14 Sep Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 09/13/2017 – Ari Shaffir
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Ari Shaffir
Recorded 09-12-2017 – Release Date 09-13-2017
Production Number #2157
Adam opens the show to a solid “Pumpkin Spice coffee Creamer” intro and Adam welcomes both Gina and BB to the show, BB has a “chocolate covered bacon” drop from Ari Shaffir’s first visit back in 2013 on ACS #1036.
Adam is getting right into a story, talking about technology and his resistance to using the smart functions of his phone, he’s telling them about trying to contact a Chinese food place he wanted to get food from.
Adam was trying to make a reservation, at New Moon Café in Montrose California, Adam was trying to use 411 instead of simply typing the restaurant into his phone or using Siri, Adam even mentions Siri and asks if she shouldn’t be basing his searches off of his location, sigh…
Adam is sharing how he hears “The Answer by Pump up the Volume and DJ 7/Seven” instead of his morning wakeup routine of listening to Prager’s show and how he expects that Siri and his phone should be aware of his routine by now. Is he talking about the song by ‘M|A|R|R|S’?
Adam is lamenting his pattern not being observed and AI not understanding him.
Adam says he was testing his phone just for fun, he shares how he finds himself screaming all voice commands, Adam is now calling the information line, asking for the phone number and trying to get that location.
Adam doesn’t seem to understand this isn’t about his phone, this is separate service, directory assistance which is not as developed nor does it have predictive functionality.
Adam is talking about AT&T Directory Assistance, Gary and BB both try to explain that he’s among the limited user base who stull utilizes 411.
Gary is correct that the technology is being “left behind” and Gary is confirming that the restaurant is where Adam describes, Adam is asking why we still have “411” if it doesn’t work.
Gary and BB are both mocking Adam, Gina chimes in and Adam is further lamenting this service not working and why they would have the service still running if it doesn’t work.
Adam says he doesn’t try things very often but when he does they don’t work, he’s bad and has a magnetic sphere that screws up all technology.
Q and Ace
1st Caller Spencer, he has a “guy Adam can’t hang out with” and describes a guy who started doing pushups in the sauna, everyone agrees that’s inappropriate and Adam says the sauna is the bar of the gym.
Gina asks if this a guy trying to show off or possibly cruising for gay sex, Adam says he feels like we need to lay down some ground rules and brings up the guy wearing pants working out at his gym and the lady taking selfies the entire time she was supposedly working out.
Adam brings up the old joke about parsley as garnishment while talking about the obnoxious chick music that pumps in the gym despite most people having their own music or utilizing the headphone port to watch TV on their cardio machine.
Gina brings up the “silent disco” trend where people would dance while listening to headphones, Adam has a killer “keyless Chuck” and “Silent Jim” riff, thanks to Gina suggesting “Silent Gyms.”
Spencer now brings up his gym that plays music videos and Rhianna, but they do have a real bar, with booze.
Adam is now talking about having someone in charge of choosing what’s on the TV’s at the gym, football should be on during the weekends during football season.
Adam brings up the ubiquitous Veggie Lovers pizza that everyone orders along with the other pizzas even though nobody enjoys it and they bring up “Randy” and Adam informs them that cousin Sal has put him on probation for the next football Sunday.
Adam doesn’t mind the part where the idiot orders the equal amount of meat pizzas as veggie lovers, he minds the idiot not adjusting his order the following week after nobody ate the shitty veggie lovers’ pizza.
Adam teases the segment with RJ Bell.
Blinds Galore – You’ve worked all summer long, Natalia’s Room blinds adjustment Edition
RJ Bell is joining them for his 2nd RJ’s Parlays Segment, Adam is now asking about the upcoming Gennady Golovkin fight, RJ has the betting line for the fight and goes in depth on the betting.
Adam is now making a point about how ugly Americans are, he brings up how redheads are called “Cinnamon” in Mexico, “Ginger” in Europe and “Rusty” in the United States.
Rust is something to be removed, Adam has a killer “weird pubes” one liner when RJ asks about female redheads and how they’re referred to in the states.
RJ is now contrasting Gennady Golovkin against his opponent Canelo Alvarez, RJ shares his pick for the winner and Adam jokes about the domestic fighting that Mayweather has ahead of him, Adam shares how he feels that Canelo Alvarez is about to peak as a fighter and Gennady is starting to head back down the other side of the mountain, from his peak.
RJ asks about Mayweather vs. Gennady Golovkin, Adam says he feels that Mayweather looked good as he was fighting a non-professional boxer.
Adam is asking if certain cultures gamble more than others, he wants to know if Mexicans bet more than the Irish, RJ tries to tiptoe around the question and just says “the Asians love to gamble” and Adam shares how he’s experienced it and describes the lengths they will go to enable gambling.
Dawson is on mic confirming the scene from this Asian casino they both witnessed, Adam is back to his original question and modifies it with the race of the fighter and if that changes the level of betting.
RJ says different races prefer different types of games, saying African American’s make up a larger swatch of sports betters, hilarious riff between Adam and BB about most of the black betters’ families being in the league, inside info.
RJ goes over the Carolina vs. Buffalo game, Adam brings up his feelings about a ‘Patriots’ loss and what it means for their next opponent, Adam asks if it’s smart to presume they’ll make a quick comeback as they rarely go on a skid with Bill Belichick and Brady at the helm.
RJ says nobody wants to bet on a team that looked bad the week before, RJ brings up pool and Adam is very honest about his limited skill level.
Adam tells them about attending the preseason game between The Rams and The Dallas Cowboys, it was more crowded for that preseason game, with more Cowboys fans than the actual opening game of the season.
BB shares his “16 away games per year” theory about the Rams moving back to Los Angeles and how they’ll never have the fans that every team they play does have.
RJ shares his pick for The Bears +7 over Tampa Bay.
Canelo vs. Gennady Golovkin – Real fight fans have been waiting for this, punches in bunches Edition
Adam is now describing the sneaky behavior of calling a time out when someone is kicking the ball, he doesn’t mind Icing a Quarterback, but this could result in injuries.
Adam tells Gina how it works and how the fans get jerked around as nobody knows there was a time out called, he wants a cutoff of 10 seconds prior to the kick.
Adam shares his plan to go ‘Varsity Blues’ and kick the ball at the opposing coach standing next to the referee, RJ asks if he can work in a ‘Dawson’s Creek’ reference then cannot come up with one, he goes into how icing a kicker can be an advantage.
BB and Adam are going over a recent example of this move and Adam wraps up with RJ, plugging his podcasts and RJ promises to have at least one ‘Dawson’s Creek’ reference chambered before he joins them on stage in Vegas next week.
2nd Caller Lance, Gina is excited to have them take this call, Lance compliments Bryan’s podcast ‘The Film Vault’ and brings up the ‘Top 5 Movies We Can’t Wait To Show Our Kids’ episode.
Adam jokes about showing his kids ‘Taboo II’ and Lance asks if they’re planning on playing Kansas City anytime soon, saying they need to bring Gina back home.
Adam recalls his 2012 standup show and the horrible BBQ they ate, Gina laments all of the bad stories about her hometown.
Adam is now explaining how he feels badly for people with bad orthodonture or acne scars, a hand that is dealt to someone, with an emotional and physical side of it.
He is making a larger point about things within your control and things you cannot control, he describes the car that was used to pick them up, the people knew they were picking up performers at least a few days prior to the event.
Adam asks why the owner doesn’t ask the two screw ups driving to remove their llama from the backseat, Adam compares it to the person with the laundry hamper in their car that picked him and Drew up for a college gig back in the late 90’s.
Adam says he doesn’t need a town car and a driver with a bowtie but he shouldn’t have to hold up a headliner to see out the windshield.
BB agrees that perhaps the owner should know who is “F-Ups” on staff are, BB plays a drop aimed at Gary, implying he’s the F-Up.
Adam asks what goes on at home with these people, he brings up his kids and how he has a never-ending pattern of resting with them and explaining they don’t get to boss Olga around, Adam employs her, not them.
Adam is now saying find a roadworthy car, he says if Dylan was going to pick up George Lopez at the airport, he would have him take his car and tell him to make sure there was legroom, make sure to floss.
Adam teases the arrival of Ari.
3rd Caller Steve, he has a book suggestion and brings up the “inline water heater” and calls it ‘You’re Not That Good’ and suggests that he should have me take notes and send them off to Mike Lynch.
Adam says “that’s what I do, sit back and cash the checks” and they wrap up the call agreeing it’s a good idea.
LifeLock – Plain and simple it’s the cost of doing business, Equifax breach new sign-up surge Edition
4th Caller Guillermo, he says he has no problem unclogging a toilet or cleaning up vomit with his bare hands, he says but he doesn’t like putting his hand in a greasy potato chip bag, Adam says he’s a weirdo.
Adam brings up how his wife and kids can’t stand the sound of Styrofoam, he shares how Lynette doesn’t like ground beef in marinara sauce.
Adam says he doesn’t like cherry tomatoes and was made fun of for not enjoying them, he does like the mini roma tomatoes and other variants.
Adam says he likes the meat part of the tomato, not the pus and bitter cherry tomato skin.
Blue Apron – Fresh Delivery for Chris, Adam says he’s going to commandeer it as retribution Edition
Dave introduces the segment and brings up where they left off talking about the fantasy football league and the “kick out” rule they’ve utilized for about 8 years.
Dave says they could cut the league in half regarding who does and doesn’t like the “kick out” rule.
Adam likes the precedent of Elliott tossing out Jon Hamm, Dave says Sal is the worst, he tells them about Sal throwing cold cuts at his face, that’s Sal.
Adam brings up how he likes the fantasy draft and throwing food, it officially means we’ve arrived as a nation.
Dave is telling them about the annual draft, Mike August was present and he acts as the auctioneer, the announcer according August who gets on Mike.
Adam tells Mike he’s the guy who is perpetually in line working his own meat, never getting to the front of the line to take part, Adam extends this metaphor to August’s life and the draft.
Dave says August shouldn’t change his cadence between players, August protests as he’s trying to add some flair to his delivery.
Dave describes Bill Simmons fluctuating about being on the chopping block, pretending to vacillate and show different extreme reactions, Dave busts out his impression of Bill yelling at Jamie the person he gave a start to in the business.
Dave and Adam discuss ‘Connect four’ and Dameshek’s legacy with the game, they go back to the draft and the pressure on the guys before the start of the ‘Connect Four’ game.
Kyle lost the game, Bill Simmons survived and Tony Barbieri had to take the 1-year ban, Dave reveals he was originally chosen to be kicked out and would have been had they not played that game.
Dave wraps up the segment.
They return from break with a listener voicemail asking if Adam changed places with Scarlett Johansson in a ‘Freaky Friday’ style scenario, would he let his buddies bang him.
Adam has a killer “Get Out!” joke and Adam welcomes Ari back to the show.
Ari is making his 4th appearance, he was previously on ACS #1036 in 2013, then he returned for ACS #1536 in 2015 and his last appearance before today was on ACS #1780. Oddly enough all of them were in March of the respective years they were recorded.
Adam is asking Ari about his trip to Asia, Ari explains how he locked himself out of his email account and took off, Adam shares his “everyone is born an asshole” theory.
Adam has a “give 1,000 M&M’s to a child” example for a human baseline, Ari is in the mix and Adam brings up 9/11 first responders as the counter example of the other end of the scale.
Adam goes to WWII and the boys and men killed while charging headfirst into battle, to immediate death to make it safe for the guy behind him.
Adam jokes about posing as a safe space counselor, citing his idea to round up the deadbeat dads with a “free cock fights for Raiders” fan idea.
Ari is joining Adam in the riff of the fake safe spaces counselor, great one liners abound, BB is in the mix too. This is very funny!
Adam and Ari discuss Ben Shapiro and his super sensible points based on factual evidence, like poor people are not good at handling money.
Adam is back to Ari’s 4 months off the grid starting in Myanmar, he tells them about going where the wind took him, 4 months only cost him 8k and he wasn’t skimping.
Ari tells Adam about avoiding sex with prostitutes, he did get some dirty backpacker puss, Adam asks about the dirty backpacker puss and Ari says he’s got a Thai hooker before, they definitely work hard.
Ari talks about sharing moments fucking other tourists at hostels, Ari says it would get weird when he was asked about his profession.
Adam asks about the people he ran into, what walks of life and Ari brings up the “Gap Year” travelers, Adam has no idea what that is, BB mocks him for not going to college.
Ari says he had a perspective change, the idea of making a living as a performer and how nutty it is to think about, Adam tells Ari about his buddy Phil the Juggler, Ari has a great one liner asking what he did for a living.
Adam goes on a killer Mohel riff, Ari and Adam then take it back to the hoarding of the M&M’s and he shares the argument over who got shotgun between his kids.
Adam shares the “how about we both sit in the back” alternate option Sonny presented after he didn’t get the front seat.
Ari remarks on how inherent that idea is in human beings and seems to have some realizations about life while replying.
Adam brings up Jimmy Kimmel’s success and how he couldn’t be happier about it, but he is bumped when people expect him to be upset about the success.
Ari says Kimmel can’t go fishing on the drop of a dime, implying Adam can and Adam immediately launches into the story of the first time he went fishing with Jimmy, the boating story not the story with “The Fridge” from ‘The Man Show.’
Adam is now asking Ari about his new special ‘Double Negative’ and where he filmed it, Ari is telling them about missing standup and then not missing it during his hiatus.
Ari mentions how he talked to Louis C.K. about his hiatus from standup, Ari tells them about a guy who tried to jack him off on a bus while overseas.
Ari says gays aren’t thieves and Adam jumps in agreeing, dispelling the notion of a “butt pirate” much to Ari’s delight, Ari has a killer “Butt Navy” retort.
Theme interrupted edition for Adam to tell Ari about speaking before congress, Ari is very interested in how it all came to be and the possible action that could be taken as a result of the session.
Adam says nothing could be done, it’s just an exercise, a smokescreen in lieu of actually effecting change or doing any work.
Adam shares his initial suspicion it wouldn’t be “congress, congress” that he would speaking before a smaller group or at a less daunting location.
Adam talks about not preparing and how he winged it, with notes in the wrong order, using giant arrows to put the beats in the correct order.
Gian brings up the guy who brought up heckling which then resulted in Adam heckling him for his hair, Adam asks for a picture so Ari will understand why he had to do it.
Ari talks about crossing the line with hecklers and saying things on stage that one might otherwise never say, Adam brings up the yardstick for measuring scripted content vs. something that comes from the top of your head, they’re totally different things.
Ari says “I think you’re wrong” but gets cut off by the picture of the senator with the bad hairdo.
They go back into the theme song.
1st Story is on The University of Virginia students who shut down a “cops and robbers” fraternity/sorority party.
Even BB can’t believe it, Gina has all of the details and Ari is upset that the students don’t see the party challenging racial stereotypes and gender roles, making a story out of nothing.
Ari brings up the fake outrage about the women only screening of ‘Wonder Woman’ and uses the idea of saying Adam smells badly to make his point.
There are only three people in the room, who cares what they say, just like the three morons blogging about the women seeing a movie without men present.
Adam shares his feelings about people feeling “threatened” and Adam has a killer ‘Sonny and Cher’ reference as Ari says that old footage of them performing reeks of cultural appropriation.
Ari shares a story form his college experience where a teacher had to stifle a laugh when a student was seen crying over a bad grade.
Adam brings up poi and Vegemite to make his point about perception, just because says I’m hurt you needn’t say you’re sorry.
Ari brings up the woman in the Lyft who attacked the driver for his Hulu dancing statue, BB says he was a part of several of these types of parties that would now be seen as offensive today.
Adam has a killer “Ike and Tina turner” party joke, he says we like to beat our wives “real slow” and goes into his theory about dad’s and “the man” and how people push against society as they’re really pissed at their own fathers.
Adam has a great point saying that you won’t find one person with a strong relationship with their father among the people screaming and spitting at their professors.
Adam says it’s a visceral purging of energy and rage, Adam is perfectly capturing the rage, Ari talks about the privilege of all college students and the privilege of living this country.
Ari says that a young white woman today is within the top 1 percentile of privilege, Ari says it’s not a bad word and they move on.
Geico – Save some money, shut off the phone and travel the globe Edition
Ari wonders if the guy who ran over the crowd in Charlottesville made an insurance claim on this damage car.
2nd Story is on the lawsuit PETA filed against a photographer whose camera was used by a monkey to take a selfie, Gina explains how it the selfies was snapped.
Adam jokes about PETA turning into Aquaman, speaking for all creatures.
Adam is further mocking the intent of PETA; hilarious hammering checks my name comment.
Adam is now PETA as Aquaman talking with a Narwhal, Adam jokes about PETA getting famous models and actresses to strip nude for their campaign throughout the 90’s and 00’s.
Ari asks if the monkey was in some way hurt, Adam is now joking with Ari about “whomever smelt it dealt it” and Adam replies with “whomever cuts the cheese licks the knife” and Ari tells them about monkey thieves in Asia.
Ari says they’ll steal your coffee and ruin it by tasting it, Adam tells Ari about eating a nut off a tarmac after a pigeon took a pass at it and rejected it.
Gina tells Ari about eating a Hamantash off the floor of the New Jersey path train one time, Gina tells Adam what that is.
Adam is back to the news story.
3rd Story is on the 130-ton Fatberg in the sewers of London, Gina has the details on what a fatberg is, she rejoices in stating “Victorian era sewer system” and Adam is now talking about relying on human beings to do their best and follow rules.
Adam says you can tell the weaker nations by the strength of their plumbing, if Charmin is a bridge to far for your sewers and toilets that is gut check time as a nation.
4th Story is on the arrest of Van Damme’s son, Nicholas Van Varenberg. Adam jokes about mental instability and martial arts expertise are the two traits you don’t want in a roommate.
Adam has a killer riff about having a chef roommate who mostly spends his time at work and his gf’s place, Adam is now riffing about that same roommate only showing up to make you an omelet and then take off.
Adam is now recalling the time he had a female roommate who lost her job and was struggling to keep her head above water, Adam says the thing about a roommate is it’s understood you need to clear out as often as possible.
Adam says the only way roommates work is based on both of you being gone, Ari agrees and they wrap up the news.
Zip Recruiter – Out of Work Roommates and Ari chimes in Edition
Ari says they should have a “we don’t care about marijuana use” addendum for cool jobs that are trying to attract people who might like to toke up, just to get it out of the way.
Adam gives his take on the normalizing and legalization of marijuana and how it should be a non-issue in the next few years.
Ari jokes about Adam sounding like he was learning to read while giving out his URL, BB has a clip of RJ going off about the upcoming game as the closing drop.
Dawson gives out the legalese and closing plugs, fantastic episode. Ari is always a good guest and this episode didn’t disappoint, he always seems very engaged and interested in what Adam is saying, he’s a really great contributor, a fine guest!