02 Sep This Week in Rage – 9/2/13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Chicks Flashing At Concerts: I’ve got a new edict for rock and roll concertgoers. I don’t know why we’ve been doing this for as long as we have without addressing the problem. My new law is for the chicks that are on their dude’s shoulders at the concert and are gonna lift their shirt over their head and shoot a winger at Winger. You must turn around. Everyone behind row 11 is just looking at the groove in your back from your bra strap and thinking about what could be. And the fellas in front of you don’t know to look behind them. They’re just staring at the stage wondering why the bass player from Dokken just got a boner. If he did at all. That’s the other problem in this situation. Ironically the only guys seeing your tatas are on stage and believe me Brett Michaels or Slash or whoever has seen enough boobies. Lars from Metallica has seen at least ten tits a day, every day, for the past thirty years. Your flash is a mere crouton on the mountain of tit salad these guys have seen. You’ve got to play those boobies to the cheap seats and guy who has to go to his shitty job the next morning after the Warrant concert. Make a little deposit in his spank bank.
Boating Safety PSAs: I feel like these things are taking up my entire life. I had to stop and think about how much time I’ve spent listening to PSAs about boating safety vs. the amount of time I’ve been on a boat. Captain Stubbing hasn’t put in that much time at sea. But the one I heard today wasn’t just your ordinary “put on a life vest” type, the message on this one was “do not empty your sewage into the bay.” What percentage of people stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with me on the 5 freeway in Norco own a boat and might dump their maritime waste into the bay? What is the effectiveness of this public service announcement versus one that just says ,“Floss” or “Hey, when you’re drunk you talk really loud.” Plus I don’t own a boat, no one I know owns a boat and I don’t know one family has been struck by a nautical disaster. More importantly anyone who does own a boat is typically up to speed on boating safety. They know the most about boating safety. How about instead of a PSA telling you not to dump in the bay one telling your not to dump your load in your baby mama and then having her dump a kid into the welfare system? I feel like that would do our society a lot more good.
Curly, the Fat Stooge: I was in a hotel in Boston last weekend bouncing through the channels and came across some Three Stooges. And because I was in a hotel room I beat off to it. That’s what lonely hotel rooms on the road are for, are they not? I’m pretty sure it’s a law that if you’re in a hotel room 3000 miles away from your wife you must beat off. Anyway, when I was in my refractory period it occurred to me that Curly is not fat by today’s standards. I hadn’t seen The Three Stooges since I was 12 and I remembered Curly being “the fat one” but if you put him up against the average female employee at Disneyland he’s a middleweight. I’m not saying he was skinny. He was no Kate Moss but he may have been a Kate Upton. The point is I could go to any mall in America and find ten tweens who are fatter than Curly. He was 5’7” and 192 lbs, with a little bit of a gut on him but would not be fat by today’s standards. Perhaps if he ate some more of those pies instead of getting hit in the face with them he could get as fat as the teen behind the counter at Hot Topic.
So go enjoy your Labor Day BBQ and stay fat America. Happy Labor Day.