26 Jul This Week in Rage – 7/26/13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Empty Your Pockets Disclaimer At Airport Security: You know I’m obsessed with the extra verbage that cops and other authority figures throw out. This one is about the super sing-songy airport security guy. I’m okay with the part where they tell you to take your computer out and empty your pockets. But then I noticed they don’t just say, “empty your pockets.” Oh, no. They work in security so they have to say it a hundred different ways. “Please empty your pockets. That means everything out of your pockets. All items must be removed from your pockets.” As if there is some confusion. “That includes change, Chap-stick, sunglasses, cell phones, hard candy, old-tyme pocket watches, pocket fisherman, hot pockets…” I don’t need the list of all the potential items that I could have in my pockets. Are we going to break it down into specific change too? “All nickels, all dimes, all quarters. If you have any of the Sacagawea dollars you need to remove those as well and place them in the tray.” Then it continues. “That means both your front and back pockets, completely emptied of all items.” As kids did you think when you grew up you’d be spoken to in a super condescending sing-songy fashion? When did it become okay to treat adults this way? “I need you to pull out your pockets bunny ear style, remove all lint from your pockets.” And what do these guys do when they get home? “Honey, I’m going to need you to pass me the salt. That is not the pepper. It is the salt in that glass shaker in front of you. Not paprika from the spice cabinet, the white granular substance that is in front of you currently on the dinner table…” I’m just saying I’m not an idiot or a four year old, you had me at “empty your pockets.”
NYPD vs. LAPD: I saw something this past weekend while we were doing the podcast at Caroline’s that made me love New York even more. I saw a cop leaning against a building like he was holding it up. They have cops there that look like a cat taking a nap on a hot day. Our cops here in L.A. constantly have their arms folded, scowl on their face, looking like they’re ready to pepper spray someone. The guys on the beat for NYPD have their hats tilted down covering their eyes like a Mexican taking a nap against a cactus. I was hustling to get to Caroline’s and I saw this cop and thought, “You can definitely jaywalk in New York but not necessarily when there is a cop right there. Do I just go for it?” Well the answer to my question was a resounding yes. Jaywalking? No problemo. Imagine doing that in Burbank, Santa Monica or Glendale. We’d all have zip-ties around our wrists and be occupying the back of a paddy wagon.
The other thing I saw in NY that I loved was a young, 20ish, Asian chick riding a bicycle. A cab cut her off so she slapped the hood and yelled “Dick!” I thought, “I’ve never seen a young Asian woman yell anything, never mind ‘Dick’.” Then my buddy Mike August pointed out she wasn’t wearing a helmet. I agreed, it was sad but true. She could never get away with that in LA. We’re so p-whipped living here, in this case the p stands for police.
Another Thing that Pisses Me Off About Hotel Key Cards: I travel a lot and this happens at about one tenth of the hotels that I stay at. Just enough to piss me off but not enough that I’m prepared for it. This has probably happened to you too. You check in, get your room number, get your key card, plop your bags down on the bed, grab the remote and… nothing. The remote doesn’t work. So you do that move that feels effective but can’t possibly be. You pop the hatch on the back and give the battery that magic thumb roll. Again, nothing. So then you go up closer to the TV and try to turn it on. Nope. Then there’s this move. You stand up on the bed and hold it up over your shoulder like you’re doing a skyhook. Not that that has ever worked but my question is, what if it does? Is that you’re position now? It’s gonna be very hard to take care of business to the in-room porn holding that yoga posture. So you call down to the front desk and tell them the TV isn’t working and come to think of it neither is the AC. They then say “Sir, you need to take the key card and put in the slot behind the door when you open it to activate the electronics in the room.” Hey fuckwad, maybe you could have said something while you were giving me the card down at the desk. You know, a little heads up that nothing in the room is going to work unless I slide it into the vagina that is conveniently located behind the door of the room. They assume you work at the same hotel as they do even though you’ve never been there before. They need to have a huge red arrow that says “put it in here or nothing is going to work.” Or even better, here’s the way to eliminate this. All those cards should be shaped like a penis. It would be fun to slide it into that slot, you’d never lose it and you’d know exactly where to put it.