08 Jun This Week in Rage – 6/8/14
This Week in Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Sonny Vomiting: I’m not sure why but my son was yakking all over the house the other day and with that comes the clean up. You know it’s bad when you’re not going for the paper towels; you skip right to using something to scoop it up. You end up creating a makeshift excavator out of a dustpan and a vinyl copy of Dark Side of the Moon.
Vomit is the worst thing you can clean up. There’s snot rockets, wizz and loogies, but puke is the worst thing to clean up that the human body can produce. But the person who does the vomiting, especially when they’re kids, don’t have to clean it up. When they’re kids they’re sick and just collapse back into bed and moan while Mommy and Daddy clean it up. When they’re adults they’re passed out in the back of your car. If you vomit in a restaurant because you ate too much some poor Mexican has to clean that up. You vomit at school the janitor has to throw that sawdust down and scoop it up. I vomited in an icemaker in Tijuana and I sure as shit didn’t clean that up. But if you knock over a cup of coffee, you clean it up. Why not the vile substance that you produce?
I’d like to watch a never-ending reel of people trying to get adults who vomited to clean it up themselves. Forcing drunks to sop up they’re own sick while their head is still throbbing and they can’t stand would be a viral video sensation.
But if I want to change this for the world it all starts at home. So Sonny, you’re on notice. Next vomit, you’re cleaning up. Then later when you’re a older and Dad is drunker I’m going to puke and guess who’s cleaning it up. Get the dustpan, boy.
Baseball Season: I know I go off on this rant around this time every year but it’s ridiculous. I turned on SportsCenter and was watching some baseball highlights and they were talking about the Dodgers playing the White Sox. The White Sox were 29-29 and the Dodgers were 31-29. And I thought, “Thank God. Only 100 games to go. I don’t want to miss a pitch. I’m on the edge of my seat. I don’t even think I can leave the house until the season’s over.” The Dodgers could be 31-31 or 32-30, who cares? To all the schmucks who live and die by their teams and are like “Oh, the Red Sox lost 7 in a row”, just wait ten minutes, they’ll win nine in a row and it still won’t fucking matter. You’re going to go 500 no matter what, it’ll balance out. It’s not like if you flip a coin 10 times it goes heads, tails, heads, tails, heads, tails… It’s going to go heads four times, tails two, heads once, tails three times, etc.
The Dodgers are a game above 500 and the team they’re playing is exactly 500. Can just agree to only 100 games? It’s 60 games in and every team is 30-30. We could start the season fresh tomorrow and everyone would be exactly where they are.
Tell All Books: Alison was reading the new story the other day about that chick from The Bachelor talking about Adrien Grenier’s big dick in her new tell-all book. It seems like every ten days some whore is coming out with a book about all the celebrities and politicians she slept with. It occurred to me that there is no upside anymore to being a politician. Because you’re going to get ratted out. It used to be that the pay sucked and you might get assassinated but you were definitely getting to bang some hot interns. Do you think a president could have an affair and us not know about it nowadays? No way, not with cameras in every phone and every chick ready willing and able to talk and soon as the president’s phallus leaves her mouth.
I bet if Joe Kennedy sat down with all of his sons and said, “if any of you are thinking about running for president that’s fine, but just know this…no punanny on the side.” They all would have said, “fuck this. I’m going to work at a box factory.” We wouldn’t know who the Kennedy’s are. Being Commander-in-Chief isn’t about the pay, it’s about the perks. Do you think with all this going on we’ll get another FDR? Nope. Jefferson? Not a chance. Some of our greatest leaders would never have taken the gig. Who knows, maybe the Spitzer/Weiner presidential ticket would have been the greatest administration of all time.
Whores – you’re ruining this country. You’re deterring great men who could get us off of foreign oil, out of wars and get the economy back on it’s feet because as soon as you get off your back in the Lincoln Bedroom you’re on the phone to Harper Collins. These guys think, “I have ideas I could fix this country, but I like a little strange on the side so fuck it, I’m going to keep my job running Nabisco.”