29 Jun This Week in Rage – 6/29/15
This Week in Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Selfie-Sticks: These are driving me insane. They’re all over the place. The only good news I can see is that the manufacturers who used to make the car antennas that you’d push down and pull back up are like, “People, we are back in business!”
But, and you may not agree with this, I don’t think they exist because we’re narcissistic and want to take pictures of ourselves. I think it’s because everyone is carrying around an extra 45 pounds and has a double chin and this is the only angle we look good at in 2015. Notice that no one holds the stick straight out. It’s always up and at an angle. It’s the same angle you see when you look at the ceiling of an elevator and it has a mirror. No one looks any better than they do in a Las Vegas elevator ceiling mirror.
Someone is going to have to take down a plane with one of those selfie-sticks. That’s the only way we’re going to get rid of them. If you can’t travel with it, or you have to check it, they’ll go away. Some brave soul is going to have to rush a cockpit, stab a flight attendant, or, at minimum, hit another passenger over the head with one.
Because if we don’t get rid of them in the not too distant future we’re going to have a new condition that doctors are contending with. I think there is going to be a dividend to pay. We’re all going to have “Selfie-shoulder” from stretching our arms out that way. Kids are taking way too many selfies and not stretching out and warming up properly. I can add this to my list of new diseases. Mark my words, when my kids are in their thirties they will suffer from all of these. First is “White Lung”. This is what kids will get from aerosol sunscreen being inhaled as they get covered in a cloud of the stuff multiple times a day. They’re going to have respiratory issues and lung cancer well before the melanoma gets them. The other one is “Floating Liver”. This is from chugging too much bottled water at airport security.
But I think selfie-sticks are here to stay so I have another idea. I said to my kids the other day “I’m going out on a limb here” and they looked at me weird and I realized kids don’t go out on limbs anymore. It’s too dangerous for our precious snowflake overprotected children nowadays. They’re not allowed to climb trees and go out on limbs. They’re covered in bubble-wrap. I think the only way to keep this idea going and have it make sense to our kids today is to change it to “I’m going out on a selfie-stick”. Gotta make it more relatable.
Jeb Bush on Fallon: A day or two after he announced his candidacy, Jeb Bush was on Fallon doing Jimmy’s “slow jam” bit. Nowadays all the candidates have to go on late night shows and dance like trained monkeys. This all started with Clinton and his saxophone going on Arsenio. Can you imagine telling politicians back in the day what modern campaigning would be like? Imagine telling Kennedy “No more banging interns, whores, floozies and celebrities but you do have to go on Conan and play a banjo.” President Obama just did Mark Maron’s podcast. What would happen if you tried to explain this to Eisenhower? He’d say, “Son, I don’t know what a pod-cart is but I’m starting to get pissed. Shut up and bring me a whore.”
High Speed Chase Idea: You guys know I like my stings. You might recall my idea a few years back about staging an event at the L.A. Coliseum with a big sign reading “Free Cock Fights for Raiders Fans” and then nabbing every deadbeat dad who came through the gates and throwing them in zip-ties. We hold it at noon on a Tuesday. The percentage of guys who’d show up for that who have warrants or need to be arrested would be in the high nineties.
So, I was watching TV the other day and saw one of the high-speed chases we’re constantly showing here in L.A. It was about 6:30 in the evening and the guy was speeding through the San Fernando Valley running from the Po-po.
On a side note, I loved that the news kept reporting the driver was “a possible gang member.” You could apply that to any car in Los Angeles. You’re not really going out on a selfie-stick (nice callback, Ace) saying “possible gang member” when talking about L.A. You could pull over any car that wasn’t a Prius, Smart Car or Tesla and you’ve got a 60/40 shot of it being a gang member.
Anyway, the news helicopter was following the guy on the run, which means everyone was watching it on TV. So when he got to a particularly bad part of the Valley guys started coming out of their houses to wave and cheer him on. Which brings me to my idea. We take a confiscated drug lord’s car, put a professional driver behind the wheel, like my buddy, X-Games driver Tanner Faust, and stage a high-speed pursuit. Then when the idiots come out of their shitty apartments to cheer him on we arrest their asses. They probably have a kid inside chained to a radiator. We’ll literally have them come out of the woodwork. There’s no way someone who would come out of their place to Woo-hoo a kidnapper or rapist running from the man doesn’t have a couple outstanding warrants themselves.