05 May This Week in Rage – 5/5/15
This Week in Rage – A blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Bruce Jenner’s Shocking Revelation: Everyone’s been talking about the big Diane Sawyer interview with Bruce Jenner. I enjoyed the bejezzus out of it. But the thing that struck me was that while Diane was taking in stride the fact that there was a woman trapped inside the body of our nation’s greatest decathlete when Bruce mentioned he was a Republican she almost did a spit take. She was shocked. She was not ready for that curveball. Sure, he wants to cut his honker off. No problem, but wants to cut taxes…what?!!!
But that interview also gave me a funny idea. Wouldn’t it be great to be a gender reassignment surgeon and do this? When the guy came in for his consultation I’d explain, “This is a very lengthy and difficult procedure that can take twelve to thirteen hours. It could even be sixteen depending on the circumstances.” And then when I asked the guy to disrobe and saw his member I’d casually say, “Oh, we can knock this out in an hour. We’ll be done by lunch. You’ll be sleeping in your own bed tonight.” And then I’d yell to my assistant, “Marge! We can schedule some more for that day.” I think that would add some levity to the junk removal process.
The Tragedy in Baltimore: In the coverage of the riots in Baltimore there was a lot made about the possible cancelation of the Orioles / White Sox game. There was a lot of hemming and hawing over whether they should cancel it and make it up later in the season, or play with no fans in the stands.
Yes, what ever shall we do? How can we avert this catastrophe?! Dear anyone from Major League baseball who is reading this -you play 161 games. You don’t need to make anything up. At the time the Orioles were 9-10 and the White Sox were 8-9. Each were just a game under 500. In the middle of the season when they’re both at 500 we won’t have to worry about this and definitely not at the end of the season when they’re both 33 games under 500. This is nothing. Focus on the fact that your city is on fire and then get to whether the game that isn’t going to matter gets played.
L.A.’s Rock Bottom Moment. There are indicators, rock bottom moments. Like when the alcoholic breaks into his kids piggy bank to get some booze money. Razor wire on the freeway signs to keep the taggers off should have been wake up call for Los Angeles. But this is the low point for my fair city. Someone tweeted this to me, it’s 100% authentic.
Yes, someone has tagged a cop’s horse. Pathetic.
But here’s what I have to say to my fellow citizens. The person who should be responsible for cleaning up the cop’s horse’s ass is not the person who did the tagging but instead, the mayor. Yes, Mayor Garcetti should have to clean that off. That will be the intervention for L.A. He needs to be scrubbing that horse’s ass so that he can be thinking the whole time about what it means for his city and what he’s going to do about the piece of shit this town has turned into. Someone tagged not only an animal, A COP’S HORSE! This wasn’t just random livestock, this was a part of the police force. We’ll have him do it live at the Staples Center so we can all see him thinking about how bad his city has gotten. And I hope the horse defecates once while he’s in the middle of it just to drive the point home.
-adam