30 May This Week in Rage – 5/30/14
Hey blog consumers,
Sorry it’s been a while since I updated this. As you know I’ve been up to my balls in various projects – shooting Road Hard (thanks to all your support), traveling on my book tour (thanks for all your support clicking through our Amazon link above and getting us on the New York Times Bestseller list again) and fighting the patent trolls (thanks to all your support, unless you haven’t supported yet, in which can you can at this link).
But I’m back and here’s a couple travel related annoyances I came across while out on the road and some solutions.
Slow Crosswalker: I was in San Francisco last week and was running a little bit late for the live show. (Thanks to everyone who came out, by the way.) And I had the slacker chick in the crosswalk in front of our car with her face buried in her phone texting. She was walking so slowly that she was literally leaning backwards. She looked like a weatherman that was reporting from a class 6 hurricane. Have you ever seen those people that are walking so slow their feet are three feet in front of them? I thought, “Bitch, are you trying to get run over? Because this is what you’d do if that was your goal.” Then I thought about it on a bigger scale. People in general don’t cross the street well anymore. It used to be a sprint followed by a shoulder roll then pop up to finish the sprint and stick the landing on the sidewalk. Because when we were kids people had horrible old drum brakes and were drunk so the chances of you getting clipped by a Cadillac were pretty good if you weren’t moving. Nowadays people aren’t frightened. They’re not scared.
Here’s my solution. I think that everyone between the ages of 7 and 10 should get clipped by a car just once. I’m not saying run over by a dump truck and put in a coma. Just enough to give them the proper amount of fear for the rest of their life. Like the person who gets bitten by a dog at age three and then is scared of them into adulthood. So you just put your kid in the driveway sometime around 2nd grade, back into them and when they’re writhing in pain with their femur coming out of their ass you say “doesn’t feel good, does it? Sure would hate for that to happen again.” They need a healthy respect for the automobile. It’s going to save their lives and it’s going to save us time.
Elevator Etiquette: We all know that move when you’re at the hotel in the elevator and your back is up against the wall and you’re staring at the open doors out into the lobby and you see that person coming around the corner with their Samsonite. You make eye contact and you’re not sure if you should do that half-hearted move where you go for the door open button but you secretly want it to close so you can get to your room but you don’t want them to think you’re letting it close on them. And then you give them that fake, “Sorry, I tried” look. Then every once in a while they get their arm in at the last minute and you have to have that super uncomfortable ride to the 18th where they’re giving you the stink-eye saying “Thanks, hero.” I have a new piece of elevator etiquette. When you get in the elevator don’t look out. Take out your phone and look down at it. I don’t care what’s on it, just look at your screen. Get in, push your button, slide to the corner of the elevator so you can’t really see out the doors and look down at the phone. Do some texting like the chick in San Francisco who probably is in a hospital now from getting plowed by a Fed Ex truck. (How about that for a callback?) That way the conversation is, “That guy from the Man Show was on the elevator but he didn’t notice me” instead of “that douchebag from the Man Show with the Brillo head saw me coming and didn’t even hold the elevator for me. Dick.”