31 Jan This Week in Rage – 1/31/14
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Falutin Free: Joining other such notables as Behymen and Spunk Shui this is my legacy. My grandkids will be able to say Grandpa Adam coined the phrase Falutin’ Free. It all started with Alison Rosen talking about a pie she ate over the holidays, a pumpkin pie that tasted weird. She felt like it had ginger in it. I asked her where she got it and she said from Whole Foods. I told her she had made the mistake of going to the high-falutin grocery store where they have the oatmeal cookies with cranberries and chocolate bars with chutney and pizza with goat cheese. Then I thought, fuck Gluten Free, we need Falutin’ Free. Everything now has to be gluten free, how about having a store that is high-falutin’ free, someplace you can get a turkey sandwich that isn’t on artisanal rosemary chibatta with a sprig of mint? A place where you can get iced tea that isn’t infused with passion fruit. We need Falutin’ Free stores. This is my constant refrain to all the people who need to get creative with traditional dishes. Just make the best damn pumpkin pie you can do and don’t, a my sister did two thanksgiving’s ago weave a ribbon of plum in the middle. That shit won’t fly at the falutin’ free store.
Storage Unit Commercials: I’ve been seeing these commercials for a long time and never noticed this before. The roller door slides up to reveal the storage unit renters and and they’re always delighted. It’s always happy families going to their clean storage unit to get out the water skis.
Bullshit. Everyone is miserable at those places. It means you’re place is smaller than you like and you can’t even find 9×9 to keep a bunch of stuff you don’t need but you want. Or your old lady kicked you out, you’re crashing on a buddies couch and you put all your shit in storage until you get your own place. At least in L.A. they’re all under freeways, the sun hasn’t shined on them in decades the people who go there are more miserable than the people who work there. There should be a class action lawsuit. If you have to put “do not attempt” on car commercials where the SUV is doing some off roading these should have a warning too.
The last one I saw had a mother showing her daughter her wedding dress. Mom is taking her dress out of the box and the girl is over the moon. Awesome. She gets to wear mama’s mothbally, yellow, wedding dress covered in a Rorschach test of semen stains. In storage unit history has there ever been a mother presenting her daughter with her 35-year-old wedding dress to her delight? Has that ever happened? I say nay. Could you imagine saying to your 22 year old daughter ‘We’re going out wedding dress shopping?” “Where, Beverly Hills?” “No we’re heading to the storage unit under the freeway in Van Nuys.” She’d beat her mom with the table lamp she also stored in the unit.
Everyone Wanting To Know My Super Bowl Pick So They Can Bet Against Me: This is the one area where I’ve never been right. If you don’t think this is a science you’re mistaken. Recall that a few years ago Kimmel called me up and asked me who my pick was and I told him I wasn’t going to gamble anymore, my luck was too bad. He forced me to make a pick so he could bet against me. He was adamant. He couldn’t bet until I made my pick because he had to bet against me. He literally had a bookie on the three-way call so he could place his bet after I did. I said it was the Pats and the Giants so I’d take the Patriots. He said okay, he now knew how to bet. I lost a grand and he walked away a winner. I actually had to throw down money before Jimmy could bet the opposite. Putting some skin in the game is what locks the pox. So my pick is…Denver wins 31 to 27. Start chilling the champagne Seattle.