This Week in Rage – 12/7/14

This Week in Rage – 12/7/14

This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.

Rain and Drought: Those of you outside of the Southern California area might not know, but it’s been raining like crazy out here. And you’d think that would be a good thing because of the massive drought we had in the summer. But the mayor and other officials are saying, “we’re still in the middle of a historic drought, this rain will not impact it whatsoever.” Really? I just saw my dog float down the street.

What if it were cocktail weenies? Imagine a world where we are dangerously short on cocktail weenies, the news is always about how low our cocktail weenie reservoirs are and then suddenly they start falling from the sky in massive quantities for four days straight. And then someone says, “we’re still out of cocktail weenies.” You’d call them a liar wouldn’t you?

I know this is overcompensation, like the doctor telling you one cigarette is too many. Do they think I’m going to have a “drought’s over” celebration where I just run the shower when I’m not home? Now that the stuff we were missing is falling from the sky I’m going to turn on the tap and then go to Catalina for the weekend? Stop treating us like idiots.

Thanksgiving Arrival Time: I complain about this every year, but I now have a solution. This year we had about twenty people over to the house, and half of them were over 75. I don’t know why but my mom and step-dad think it’s a good idea to show up forty-two minutes early to everything. It’s an old person thing. Like they know their time on this mortal coil is running out and they want to squeeze it for all it’s worth.

But what they don’t realize is that’s the when I’m prepping the house and the wife is cooking for 22 people, we’re stressed out and that by arriving at 4:15 instead of 5 they’ll only be treated to an appetizer of us arguing. “What do you mean Trader Joe’s doesn’t have ice?! Why do you have to go to Ralph’s and Trader Joe’s? Why don’t we have ice? You should have gotten that yesterday….No I’m not going to call my step-mom and have her stop for ice.”

Has there ever been a Thanksgiving where the call time was 5 and you walked in at 5:09 and we were all leaning back in our chairs with our belts undone saying “Man, you missed it. We at the whole turkey. And the ham. There might be some pecan pie left but pumpkin’s all gone.”

So here’s the new rule – if you live less than a forty minute drive away, you leave at the time you were asked to arrive. You don’t need to give yourself an hour to travel 18 minutes and walk in on me and Lynette arguing over cranberries.

Seattle Mayor Pardoning Tofurkey and My New Reality Show: Speaking of Thanksgiving, we all know the Thanksgiving tradition where the President pardons a turkey. Well, in Seattle this year the mayor pardoned a Tofurkey. Yep. There is a new leader in the pussy city battle and Seattle just jumped to the top of the rankings. Step it up San Francisco and Santa Monica.

But in my disgust upon hearing this I did come up with a great new TV show. It’s called “Holy Shit with John Wayne’s Reanimated Drunken Corpse.” I bring back him to life, get The Duke drunk and sit him down to explain what’s going on in 2014. “Hey Duke, the mayor of Seattle just pardoned a tofurkey.” First he’d ask, “What the fuck is a tofurkey?” And then after I explained that he’d throw his bottle of Jim Beam down on the ground and start screaming. Then I’d explain about the broad who got thrown off the plane because her emotional support pig shit up the aisle and he’d be beside himself. He’d be begging me to take the six shooter from his belt and put a slug in him. I think I can get this on Spike. They just picked up a third season of Catch a Contractor. I think I can get this greenlit.