09 Nov This Week in Rage – 11/9/13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Changing the Clocks: We’re caught in between a mechanized world that does everything for you and one where everything is manual. Like when you go to the airport bathroom and you can’t flush the toilet because it’s got the magic eye, and then when you go to the sink to wash your hands you have to wave them in front of the magic eye too. No handle there either. But then you get to the towel dispenser, stand there like an idiot for 9 minutes waving your hand in front of it with nothing happening because it does have a handle. Which is it?
This happens to me every year, and last week was no exception, when it comes time to change the clocks half of the ones in my house change automatically, half do not. They all either need to be automatic or require me, and by me I mean my wife, change them manually. I’m stuck in a 50/50 no man’s land. I woke up the next morning after daylight saving time kicked in wildly disoriented. There’s a $19 clock sitting in my bathroom that changes automatically but the one in my $95,000 Jaguar? No can do. That car has a seat warmer, satellite radio, can defrost the outside mirrors but cannot change the time automatically. This car does everything but suck your cock, but can’t change it’s own clock.
Dudes with Bracelets: I was sitting around on Sunday watching Catfish, as I’m apt to do. Because you can pause it every ten minutes and yell at the TV, “I can’t believe she wouldn’t Instagram you. What’s going on? She lives in the same apartment building as you and you haven’t met???!!!” But here’s what bothered me about it this week. Both dudes on that show wear bracelets.
This is a trend. My son came home the other day and he was wearing a bracelet. We were doing our usual wrestling around and the bracelet fell off. So I started teasing him, “Oh, Natalia must have lost her bracelet because a little boy wouldn’t wear one.” And then I saw that he was wearing a necklace too. So I said “I’m going to come over there and snatch that necklace your girlfriend bought you.” And he paused, looked at me very seriously, then said “My boyfriend got me this necklace.”
86 percent of males under 40 have bracelets now. Married men, single men, doesn’t matter. If you’re married what are you even doing? Who is this bracelet for? Are you trying to attract your wife? She’s obligated by law to blow you. It’s on the books, look it up.
I’m just saying let’s leave the bracelets to the chicks, fellas.
Big Papi’s Goggles And Helmet: I always considered sports the last bastion of non-pussification in America but it’s finally creeped in. Everyone’s talking about the Richie Incognito bullying story, but the bigger and more egregious example is the Red Sox World Series victory celebration. When they all went into the locker room to celebrate, David Ortiz, Big Papi, a 230-pound home run hitter and the biggest guy on the team was wearing a snow-boarding helmet and ski-goggles because there was champagne flying. Can you believe what’s going on? There can’t be a champagne spray victory celebration without protective gear because someone may get a detached retina. Let me explain the novelty of shaking up champagne and spraying it on a guy – if he’s wearing a slicker, goggles, a hat and the entire locker room is covered in a plastic it’s no fun. That Sox locker room looked like the front row of Gallaher concert. If you’re going to egg your principals house but he’s covered it in a tarp that sucks. That’s the whole fun. It’s supposed to go everywhere. It’s supposed to go in his fro. It’s no fun if he looks like Fred Astaire in Singing In The Rain.
And was there an incident to provoke this? Did Carl Yaztremski die from an errant champagne cork? Did some Verve Cliquot in the eye end Steve Garvey’s career? We need to fix this. I want to watch a guy being interviewed while his teammates do a champagne bukkake on his hair, not his helmet.