This Week in Rage – 1/18/15

This Week in Rage – 1/18/15

This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.


Actually this blog is going to be the top 7 because coming back from the holidays last week was a little hectic and I didn’t get one of these out. And this week I had brilliant invention I also had to share. So here’s a double dose of complaints and a solution to obesity in America. Enjoy.


Depressing Ads During Football Games: I was watching the playoff games with Sonny and I really felt like an old man because I had to think “how can I explain this to my kids.” It was because during the game they showed the “No More” commercial for domestic violence and sexual assault. (Well, not for domestic violence and sexual assault… that would be weird. They only have ads for that in the Middle East.) This is an ad, if you haven’t seen it, where current and former NFL players just stare at the camera in silence holding back tears. What the fuck? You’re just trying to watch some football with your kid and he’s gonna turn to you like, “Daddy, why is the big black man crying and not saying anything? Did something happen to his mommy?”


And then the very next commercial is a Cialis ad. How do you explain all of this to your 8 year old? That’s when you just have to come up with a distraction, like looking towards the kitchen and saying, “I smell churros. Go get some.”


I’m just saying if you’re going to run the anti-rape commercial and a boner pill commercial we need a buffer ad in between, something to pad it out. Throw a Pete Ellis Dodge ad in there or something.


Children’s Library Bumper Sticker: I was driving behind a van on the freeway the other day and it was sporting a multicolored bumper sticker that said, “Follow Me To The Santa Clara Children’s Library”. I’ve seen a few of those vans with the “follow me to…” bumper sticker but never for a children’s library. If I do that wouldn’t I be arrested? What if I followed that van all the way to Santa Clarita, got out and said “Where are the kids? I’ve been following you for twenty-six miles. Do you know how hard it is to drive with a boner?” The guy driving the van would probably be using his cell phone to call the cops. “A creepy guy with a unibrow has been riding my ass for the last twenty miles.” I think this whole thing is pedophile bait. That van actually has a police SWAT team and Chris Hanson in the back.


Natalia’s Tie-Dye Kit Xmas Gift: I’m making a personal plea to all the parents who think they’re doing me a favor when buying my kids big elaborate gifts for Christmas or their birthdays. This goes for all parents. It’s a cold war escalation, we get your kids something so then you have to get my kids something even better. They’re already spoiled enough. Just because I got your kids a gift doesn’t mean you need to get mine something bigger or better. And by the way, I didn’t get your kids whatever it was, my wife did with my money.


Not only that but please, screw the kids, think of us, the parents who are going to have to clean it all up. Natalia this year for Christmas got a “My First Tie-Dye” set. It came with the 29 squeeze bottles of colors, 1000 rubber bands and 200 feet of yarn with confusing instructions. Basically enough crap to cover my whole living room and ruin the carpet. That’s what it should be called, “My First Carpet Ruining Kit.” Next time just get them a soccer ball. It’s compact, they’ll appreciate it more, and even if they don’t the gardener’s kids can play with it.


Canadian Celebrity Exchange: I, like all Americans who aren’t teenage girls, have had an impacted assfull of this Beiber kid. How about this idea? You know those hostage exchanges they have sometimes? That “we’ve got a couple terrorists you want, you have a journalist we’d like to see freed, let’s make a deal” type scenarios? We need to do something like that with Beiber. We’ve got to export him back to Canada. The problem is Canada doesn’t have anybody we want. It’s not like some national treasure from the U.S. decided to pack it up and move to Winnipeg. So we have to incentivize it this way. Canada, you take the Beibs back and we’ll throw in Martin Short and Seth Rogan. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to keep both Short and Rogan but sacrifices must be made. It’ll be okay. Martin Short’s best work is behind him, he’s probably only got a couple of movies left and Seth Rogan’s going to get killed by North Korea anyway. I say we sit down with Canada and talk turkey, eh.


Michael Keaton vs. Katie Perry:  I was watching Michael Keaton accepting his Golden Globe and I realized he gets a lot of benefit from his brow. His genetics are making him look smarter. He just looks like he’s always thinking about something smart. It’s just the shape of his eyes and his forehead but he always looks like there’s some amazing gears turning up there and he’s about to spout some serious wisdom. He’s the opposite of Katie Perry. She always looks like she’s thinking of something dumb. She just seems vacant. I think Michael Keaton stole her thoughts. If you just put them in front of a camera and had them say nothing like those “No More” ads and asked someone who had no idea who they were which one was smarter they’d pick Keaton every time.


My Homework Epiphany: I had an epiphany the other day, I was sitting in the den drinking and watching Point Break and had a breakthrough. I went to freshen up my goblet and saw the Guatemalan nanny sitting with my boy doing his homework. It was about 10 at night. It hit me. I was drunk, my wife was in Phoenix screwing around with her girlfriends and my kid was doing homework with the Nanny at ten at night. I realized this is the source of all the inequality in our society. This is how the school to prison pipe-line is built. It’s homework. Homework is the problem. Whitey can afford someone to do homework with their kid. If you’re a single mama of five with a couple of jobs to make ends meet you don’t have the time to sit with your kid and do homework with them. And you certainly can’t afford a nanny to do it. So I say get rid of homework and level the playing field. Boom. Equality. You’re welcome.


And finally…


The Spank-mill: This is an invention I’ve come up with to prevent men from wasting all the time they do on porn. Don’t get me wrong, porn is a beautiful gift from god. But we spend all too much time browsing it. So I’ve come up with a device that hooks your laptop up to a treadmill where you have to run on it for the amount of time you want to watch porn. Twenty minutes chugging away on the treadmill gets you twenty minutes pounding away on your junk. Think of how fit we’d all be. Except if you try to work around the system like me. I’d go to the Home Depot and hire some day laborers to bring up my total time.