28 Nov This Week in Rage 11-28-13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
The Take Back Honk: I like to make people laugh, and I like to make people think, but I also like to innovate. So I’ve come up with an idea that I think will make people’s lives a lot easier, would aid society and wouldn’t cost a penny. We need a double honk. The honk that takes back the honk we just laid out. A few days ago I was behind this big SUV, it was a Denali with the smoked window in the back and I couldn’t see through it. We came up to the light and the person in the SUV wasn’t venturing out into the intersection to turn left. But I didn’t want to honk because I couldn’t see around him or through his window so I couldn’t tell if George Clooney was in front of him in his Smart Car. So we just sat there and the signal went from green to red and I realized there was no Clooney, no one in a Miata, no clown car. Nobody turned left. This guy was just zoned out and the signal cycled. I thus gave him the “c’mon buddy, wake up. We both could have made that one” extend-o honk. He clearly felt bad because when the signal then changed to green again he not only went into the intersection, he went WAY into the intersection and cars were coming down the hill at a fast pace. It was dangerous. He was trying to thread the needle in between a Hummer and an M1-Abrams tank. I wanted to hit the horn again so I could tell him not to worry about it and that he didn’t need to get t-boned because of my honk but I thought that would just make it worse.
That’s why we need the take it back honk. Nine times out of ten when you honk at a guy you get flipped the bird. But every now and again you find the guy who is so wracked with guilt that he attempts to commit automotive hari-kari. So how do they know it’s the take back honk? We agree on it, as a society and a culture, like we did with the peace sign, the middle finger or the Macarena. So henceforward the quick double “toot-toot” is the take back honk. The honk withdrawal. If we get on the same page about this the next time I do this the Denali in front of me it won’t end up in a ball of flames.
Old Guy Fart Cover Sound: As you get a little bit older, the farts you thought you could hang on to make a run for it. You’re standing around talking to someone and you feel it creeping up on you but you think “I’ve got this” then you bend down to pick up your keys and “hmmmpphhh”. You lose a little control as you get on in years. And I realized this is why my dad and every other old dude I was around when I was a youth would make that “huuhh” sound every time they got off the couch. We all thought that strained grunt was just old guy sound, but it’s fart covering sound. It’s suppressing fire for the fart that might make a break out of the foxhole. I think there on to something and we should start adopting this in our twenties and thirties. Why waste it once you’re over the hill? We could be farting with impunity all the way up to our forties and not have to feel embarrassed.
Canned Cranberry Sauce: All you heathens and cretins who say you like the gelatinous canned stuff better need to come to one of my re-education clinics to have your mind cleared. You’ve been brainwashed. You don’t like it better. That’s like saying you like a Twinkie better than strudel. No, that means something terrible happened to you along the way. It’s Thanksgiving. We don’t accept canned green-beans, canned corn, or canned yams on that day. Why is canned cranberry okay? Even the dog which usually gets every meal from a can gets table scraps on Thanksgiving. It’s not even really cranberry sauce. When it comes out of a can like that it’s something else. We should call it Canberry.
You know my recipe. It’s easy. Cranberries come in sacks. Each sack takes one cup of water, add a half a cup of sugar (sweeten more after if you like) then bring to a boil. Seven minutes later you’re in cranberry heaven. And don’t get smart with the walnuts and the orange rinds.
You might be asking, what do I do if I’m at someone’s house who is doing the canned cranberry? What if I’m not the host? You be subtle like I was when I visited my aunt Pat who did the Canberry sauce. I brought a Tupperware container of my own real cranberry sauce and gently said to her “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to cause an issue. It’s just that I’m allergic…TO LAZY BITCHES!” and then we just moved on with grace.