06 Oct This Week in Rage – 10/5/14
This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Personal Pizza: I’ve seen a commercial recently, nay, multiple commercials for the personal pizza. These things have been around for a while, but it just occurred to me recently that the personal pizza is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard of. If you’re eating pizza alone, something has gone horribly wrong in your life. Eating pizza should be a communal experience. The guys are coming over to watch the game, we’re going to order a couple of pepperonis, everyone is going to dig in. That’s the point of pizza. Not sitting alone binge watching Dr. Who.
Plus you can’t get a personal pizza right. The ratio is off. Once you get below eight inches there’s no way to balance the cheese and crust correctly. All pizzas, when I’m in charge, will have to fall between eight inches and fourteen inches. Because it goes wrong in the other direction too. There’s those places that do a pizza the size of a Winnebago that will feed an entire African village. That pizza always sucks too.
But fear no more. I’ve created an app to solve this problem. If you’re saying, “I’m hungry for pizza but I’m alone” this hooks you up with other lonely fat people in your area to eat pizza together. Think Grindr or Tinder but for pizza. This way you hook up with other like-minded individuals and you’re not crying into your personal pizza. You can post your pictures and interests; people can list their preferred toppings so you get matched up with the right loser to share your pie with. You’ll just hit reply to the post and say “Yeah, I’ll come by your place…well, your mom’s place.”
E-bola: As I’m sure you’ve heard e-bola is coming. Everyone is in a panic. I’m not. I’m an atheist and I’ve driven through downtown Los Angles a few times in the last couple days. A lot of tent cities springing up everywhere. Then you’ve got the people barefoot in the Starbucks and on the plane with their dogs. Maybe it’s time to thin the herd just a little bit. I’m think nature knows what it’s doing. I’m not going full Hitler on you here. But let’s face it, society has taken a turn for the worse, the economy sucks and there’s a lot of medicine keeping a lot of people alive who shouldn’t be. I think we need to do a little weeding without the re-seeding. Economically it would help quite a bit if we took a few old people off the planet. I’ve even got a nice slogan to make it more acceptable, “E-Bola: Making Every Lane A Diamond Lane.”
J-Lo’s “Booty” Video: I don’t want to sound like old man Carolla here but what does her ass have to do with the music? Don’t get me wrong, there’s little better than watching slow motion footage of chicks with nice asses lubed up with gelatin rubbing them up against fire poles. But why write a song about it? I know everything is supposed to be about dancing and the clubs and all that. But Kool and the Gang and Abba did a fine job getting people on the dance floor without having to shake their asses. It’s not like the Beatles came to America in 1964 and we all said “Sure, sonically they’re okay but there is almost no ass movement on these chaps at all.” After going to one of his concerts I’m not thinking, “Ben Folds is fine but he just sat there on that piano bench, I didn’t even his crack.”
I’m just saying, J-Lo, sweetie, you’re 45 and the mother of two, it’s time to hang up your ass. Write a song to doesn’t involve your anus. We have something called porn. It’s tried and true. We turn to musicians and singers for music and singing. If you’re going to make it all about that ass then just have the dignity to get into porn.