31 Oct This Week in Rage – 10/31/14
This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Yoko Ono: I was on a flight back from New York and was in that drifty dreamy state and had a random, strange, and troubling thought. It occurred to me that the most famous Japanese person in the U.S. and possibly the world is Yoko Ono. I’m going to let that one sink in for a second. The most famous Japanese person is also the least talented and most annoying person on the planet. She is the best known person from a country and culture which goes back thousands of years and has contributed so much. Yet this is the best they’ve got. I ask intelligent people about this and they struggle to come up with a more satisfying answer and eventually spit out “what about Godzilla?”
Actually the number one answer I got when we sent one of my crew guys out to the streets of LA to poll the ugly Americans was “Jackie Chan” who, if you are one of those ugly Americans and don’t know, is Chinese.
Let’s get it together. Forward this blog to all your friends, especially the Japanese ones, and start a campaign to unseat Yoko. And if you are Japanese yourself put down the books. Don’t become a doctor or an engineer. Go into the arts. Please, disappoint your parents for once and become more famous than Yoko.
Halloween Candy Power Rankings: I’m going to settle another controversy right here and right now. Here are the Halloween candy rankings.
#1) Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. This is what you want when you reach into the plastic pumpkin on the neighbors porch.
3) Milky Way
4) Three Musketeers
5) Almond Joy
6) Peanut M&Ms
8…) everything after that can kiss my ass.
But definitely at the bottom of the list are Smarties. That chalky candy pill bullshit is just a bunch of empty calories and tooth decay. And to all of you buying the candy for Halloween don’t think about the kids, think about the adults who are going to have to take the candy bullet and eat this stuff so their kids aren’t wired up and toothless. Remember we eat the kids candy after the go to bed so it doesn’t last until Christmas. So skip the Mike & Ikes and get Mom and Pop some Reeses.
Punkin Chunkin: It’s that time of year. I don’t know if you’ve seen this on ESPN 12 or the History Channel or wherever they air it. This is the event, and it’s a huge event, where once a year Americans gather to show how much we hate gourds. Teams gather in a field in Delaware with homemade trebuchets, catapults and air cannons to see who can shoot pumpkins the furthest. Sometimes they go as far as 4000 plus feet. That’s almost a mile.
Here’s the point. Not only is this cool to watch but I want to bring everyone from every fucked up country to that event and say “This is how bored we are with success. This is how out of problems we are. We’re taking our food and firing it 1500 yards for no reason. That’s how great this country is. We’re doing nonsense just because we can. You’re trying to find ways to stop mosquitoes and get potable drinking water. This pumpkin would feed your village for a week. But we’re going to launch it to its death in a field and leave it for the birds. By the way, this kind of success doesn’t happen when you’re having a civil war. So get your shit together.”
I’d really love to show this to ISIS. They’d be like, “So this is for firing rockets at your enemies?” “No, launching gourds for no reason.” “And your finest military minds created this?” “No, retired alcoholic truck drivers.” This is how badass we are. This is advanced weapons technology to them, to us it’s something rednecks do for a little fall time fun.