20 Oct This Week in Rage – 10/20/13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Actually, since I was on the road last week in Portland and Seattle – and thanks again to all the folks who came out to the shows – I didn’t shit out one of these blogs. So this week you’re getting a couple bonus bits of rage. Enjoy.
Molly’s Chemo Pills: You’ll be pleased to know that my dog Molly is still around and still costing me thousands of dollars. Now she’s on chemo pills. (She takes these after she gets her insulin injection, by the way). The only good thing about having a dog that costs me four grand a month is the funny insulting conversation I get to have with my kids’ Guatemalan nanny asking her “how deep in the ground would this dog be if it was in your village?”
So of course Molly is not going to just eat the chemo pills. Why shouldn’t it be expensive AND a pain in the ass? When we get the pills we have to buy little pouches of meat to encase them so she’ll be tricked into eating them. Not only is this how you know we’re out of problems but it also serves as a giant fuck you to the third world. We’re essentially telling them, “We’re going to take what would be the best meal you’ve had in a month and use it to trick our dogs into taking medicine you probably need but don’t have access to.”
This got me thinking, where’s my meat pocket? I don’t like taking my multi-vitamin, but I just have to force it down. I could use a nice meat pocket on that one. Hell, there’s lots of stuff I don’t want to do. I don’t want to do my taxes but if they were covered in meat I think I’d get to them. Dental instruments? I don’t want that in my mouth. But wait, that smells savory. Go right ahead doctor. I’m going to patent this. Get ready world, from the makers of Mangria here comes Adam Carolla brand People Pockets.
Lone Ant: I saw this over at the podcast studio. One ant just hanging out in the sink. You typically see the trail of ants marching in formation but every now and again you catch the lone ant that has broken from the pack. He’s a regular Lorenzo Lamas. A renegade, a loner. I used to think he was a scout and I had to kill him. I didn’t want him going back and reporting to the rest of the hive (is that what they are? Pod? Nest? Fuck it. Hive) that I’ve got a bunch of People Pockets laying around. Then I thought, how come every aimless wandering ant you see is a scout but every time you see a human aimlessly wandering you just think “that guy’s crazy.” I don’t think of them as a scout, I just think they’re homeless. The point is from now on leave the hobo ant alone. He’s probably just a crazy outcast. Or maybe the other ants found out he was a different religion and shunned him. Maybe it’s a lesbian ant and they’re really uptight and they kicked her out of hole. It’s not a scout; it’s not Flint McCullough (Wagon Train, google it.) It’s just a homeless ant.
Wine Bottles – I’m tired of not knowing how much wine I have left I the bottle. I don’t need uniformity in vodka bottles. There’s no difference between Grey Goose and whatever Dan Akroyd is pitching in a bottle shaped like a human femur. It’s all clear and you can see how much you have left. But when it comes to wine bottles the glass is tinted and so thick they use it for the windshield on the president’s motorcade. That Lincoln he’s riding in is actually using recycled wine bottles for the windows, it’s that thick.
Then some of them have that weird inny belly button on the bottom of the bottle. You can drop a digit on the thing and your finger will just keep going. That divot displaces two glasses of wine. I can never figure out by lifting it up how much is left, the glass is too thick and heavy and not all of them have that butthole. Me and the rest of you alcoholics have been burned by this. You turn it over and a hummingbird’s beak worth of merlot trickles out. I’m just saying we need a uniform bottle with a uniform weight so you know you have enough to get you through the night. I don’t want to have to give my wine bottle a prostate exam to figure out if I’m going to be able to get drunk.
Alaska: Alaska seems like the most rough and tumble place in the world. Everyone there seems to be running from something in the lower 48, whether it’s the law, the tax man or their ex. Alaska’s where you go to forget your past, especially when you owe your past a shitload in child support. The state motto should be “Love Fishing But Hate Your Kids? Alaska.” Forget the Jackass movies. I’d like to do a hidden camera show where we get a guy with a salt-and-pepper mustache, put him in an ATF windbreaker, have him walk into any Alaska bar or honkey-tonk after quitting time and say “I have a warrant for…” and just watch everyone jump out the window. It’s never “I born and raised in a Alaska, lived here my whole life”, it’s usually something like “my business partner faked his own death and then tried kill me, but that was before my wife had her gender reassignment…” Basically Alaska is the cold weather Florida. It’s Florida without the Jews. The state capital should be spelled Jew? NO!
Unsafe Stamps: I feel like the government makes my point about how incompetent and useless they are like 300 times a day. The latest example was when the Michelle Obama “Let’s Move” fitness campaign came out with a line of stamps showing kids doing activities like running, jumping and skipping rope. You know important stuff we need to use our tax dollars to inform kids about. And what kid deals with stamps anyway? When was the last time a kid went to the post office to be inspired?
Well the cherry on top of the wasteful retard sundae is that hundreds of thousands of these pointless stamps were recalled and destroyed because they depicted “unsafe activities.” And what extremely dangerous activities were these kids participating in? MMA? Russian Roulette? Jumping Snake River Canyon on a motorcycle? Nope. Doing cannonballs and headstands. I guarantee every guy who is in a wheelchair from doing a headfirst dive into a too shallow body of water wishes he had done a cannonball instead. If you pushed me off a bridge I would go instinctively go into cannonball mode. That would be the safest bet. But a kid can’t do a cannonball? That’s a right of passage. Or the kid doing a headstand. The problem with that one was that she was doing it without a helmet. I think we all had that neighbor kid who did a headstand without a helmet and caught on fire. It’s literally burned into our psyche. Right? Fuck no. Who needs a helmet for headstand? I would argue the helmet would get in the way and cause more injuries than it prevented.
And as far as the government do we have money or don’t we? We’re always talking about budget problems but we can literally burn hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of stamps. If this were a business with a real bottom line people would be shit canned. But since it’s the government they’re playing with house money. There’s no consequences. Spending all our tax dollars to tell kids to do cannonballs, and then spending even more changing their minds because they’re a bunch of pussies. What have we become? Please, let’s get the government shut down again.
– Adam