13 Oct Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 10/13/2014 – Live from the Empire Theatre in San Antonio, Texas
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Live from the Empire Theatre in San Antonio, Texas
Recorded 10-10-2014 – Release Date 10-13-2014
Production Number #1430
Dawson has a Texas themed intro and the crowd sounds psyched, too bad I missed the show, drove 100 miles only to have to turn around when I was halfway there, bummer.
Adam welcomes BB and Alison to the stage, BB has a #TopDrop dedicated to the dead cows whose ribs he just ate, he plays a moo sound effect.
Adam is now explaining the last time he was here, Chris Tucker was playing the room across the street and Adam was playing the one next-door, Adam was hoping he wouldn’t run into Chris, he then decided he needs to not go through life assuming the worst.
Adam is now sharing his thinking that changed as he decided not to avoid the proverbial “Chris Tucker’s dressing room of life” and Adam describes the record scratch moment he experienced.
Adam jokes about learning his lesson and never trying to step out of his comfort zone, Alison is now asking about the deeper meaning of that scene, Chris wearing an all-white suit and holding court with is posse, I presume.
Adam is now adding spaghetti with Chili on top to the list of foods he loves but never eats, Adam was reminded of that while joking about Chris eating Chili in his white suit.
Adam is now taking it back to the airport and the Southwest flight they were waiting on, Adam asked if the flight was full and was met with a “why?” in response after being told it was.
“Why are you taking my ticket for Southwest at 39 years old asshole?” – Adam
Adam and Alison are describing the flight attendants who upped the “Cuntitude” for their flight, Alison is mocking them and Adam is saying that they’re always full, Adam jokes about Indian guys sitting on top of the plane and BB mentions them soliciting volunteers to be denied boarding (bumped) for 300$ vouchers.
Adam met two female fans who were heading to a “retreat” he now riffs about retreats and the other possible places they could be heading that would’ve made for an uncomfortable flight.
Turns out they were heading to a retreat at a dude ranch for people with IBS, Adam asked them about the trip, if they had a special diet, they were serving Brisket and going horseback riding, BB has a killer one liner feeling sympathy.
Alison has a funnier one liner about this being a ‘Heaven’s Gate’ style final retreat, Adam says he told them about his “Crohn’s Disease” attribution on IMDB and Wikipedia.
Adam told them about that and they observed that IMDB was close to IBS, Adam then had them download Alison on the topic as she approached, she’s full of info and sharing it.
Alison describes her fleabag motel and thoughts of joking over twitter, offering someone to murder her.
Alison explains the stain on her bedspread, she was pissed that the stain was lifting when she tried to clean it, Adam jokes she wanted it to be like “The Bedspread of Turin” and now Adam is back to the plane.
Adam was doing some profiling and observed the semi-heavyset woman with the open seat next to her, he saw a skinny Japanese guy with an open seat too, and he took that one.
Adam is now explaining how great that choice was, he was reading a Skymall and was delighted by it, Alison says that Adam’s voice really cuts through and she could hear him on the flight despite not sitting near him.
Adam asks BB for cock and balls check and describes the other stunner on the flight, a blonde woman only 2nd to Alison’s beauty of course.
BB brings up the couple in medical scrubs and Adam jokes about people with other work uniforms travelling in their clothing.
BB asked them and was told they are in medical sales, a job that typically doesn’t require scrubs, so they were wearing the scrubs to save wear and tear on their actual clothes.
Adam is back to the hot blonde who Adam was mystified by, that she was using Southwest to fly, like a beautiful woman working behind a fast food counter, his other analogy.
Adam describes the waify hot chick having to wait in the middle of the aisle, then getting cut in front of by some dude, giving him and August more time to ogle her and enjoy her presence.
Alison observes the IBS gals will be listening and Adam jokes about putting them in the back of the plane for weight balancing.
Adam says if they made the same amount of announcements about shitting and pissing before getting on the plane that they do for smoking and seatbelts we would be flying in a utopia, Adam wants to know who the people are that use the jet bridge as a reminder to take a dump.
Adam describes how much he loves his boy Sonny, then jokes about his parents being lukewarm on him after thinking that most parents love their kids.
Adam points out his bad qualities, calling him a puss and then describes his two kisses, one for Natalia who left already, holy shit what an awesome kid!
Adam is telling them about his son was quizzing him about where he was going and gave him a Tim Duncan “tell him I said hi!” request, Adam observes how great it is to be a kid, thinking that anything is possible.
Adam explains why he likes The San Antonio Spurs, his son wanted to know and Adam thinks it might be that they have the least tattoos out of everyone else in the league, Adam says that he observed they always win
Adam told Mike August that Basketball is a team sport, tattoos are an individual activity and now they’re joking about LeBron James disproving that statistic.
The audience are now yelling out other teams, Adam jokes they should put all their money on the Utah Jazz after someone yells it out.
Alison and Adam are now riffing on team based tattoos, Adam comes up with a puzzle tattoo divided evenly among the players, in the shape of a ring, Adam calls back BB’s “chain” one liner and implies he’s a racist.
Adam explains he is working on his warehouse for cars and how the corner sink was begging him to piss in it, he looked around and didn’t see anyone around, and Alison observes that’s more courtesy than he gives in the warehouse where Alison works.
Adam is explaining how hard it was for him to cut his piss stream when he heard someone enter the facility via the metal door out front.
Adam is now comparing his piss stream cutoff abilities form his teenage years to now, he says it’s analogous to guys who used to fight and still think they can in their 50’s.
Adam describes feeling the piss run down his leg in his cloth blue pants, he says lucky there was a sock to catch the remainder so he didn’t soak the floor.
Adam’s only option was to splash water all over himself, like a crazy person, Alison cites Tom Sizemore and the “Baby Powder incident, whoa! Holy shit I knew I was picking up on something.
Adam is now joking about his “water balloon fight” reply he had chambered, joking about kids on Schwinn bicycles, the 1950’s version of troubled youths.
Adam says the good part of being the boss is nobody can rake you over the coals and demand answers, hilarious series of comments that didn’t occur demanding the truth from him.
Q and Ace
1st Question from Eduardo, if a fire broke out in his house what is the first thing Adam would grab, his genitalia and run he replies.
“That was a Latin guy in Texas?” – Adam joking about the audience member who asked the question and the demographics of the populace in the state of Texas.
Adam now asks “provided my wife and my son are out of the house?” and everyone has a funny reaction, Adam jokes about his garbage bag filled with coke.
Adam jokes about running out of the house and getting Molly from the yard and putting her back in the house, he now jokes about Molly Brisket and letting her die with dignity.
Adam is now pitching the story of heroic Molly running back into the house, he jokes about questions asking why she was doused in Scotch whisky.
“Don’t worry about it. You rescue people your way, let her do it her way” – Adam replying to that questions.
Eduardo’s wife or someone up front’s wife is now interrupting and Adam asks him to control her and have her politely put a sock in it.
She keeps shouting and Adam tells her to take it easy, hilarious Spanish from Ace telling the redheaded Spanish lady to be quiet and then jokes about her holding her breath for the whole show, Alison observes she would die and Adam is cool with it.
Alison asks about safes and safe deposit boxes, Adam is now riffing about the lack of traffic in safe deposit box’otoriums and now they’re asking how much it costs, they find out about 65$ per year.
Adam says he would get one and give the keys to his wife and kids, telling them not to open it unless something happens to him inside they’ll find a note that says “get a fucking job” along with a single bullet, for Molly or her oncologist, along with a “good luck” for her.
Adam jokes about a Russian doll series of safe deposit boxes inside of each other, holy shit he’s on fire and Alison is serving him up some solid fucking alley-oops.
2nd Question from Travis, he wants to know what Adam gets shit from his wife for, Adam now riffs about Lynette losing her keys and him getting reprimanded for leaving his flip flops outside.
Adam is now mocking Travis and the idea of going after each other, hilarious cop analogy, Adam says you get pulled over for speeding and bring up the cop being cut from his JV basketball team.
Adam is riffing on couples blaming each other for shit, an endless cycle, Adam jokes about keeping his safe deposit box in his house, the take away budget model.
Adam is now pitching a new show “front lawn arguments while the house is ablaze” and he’s riffing about the various scenarios where couples blame themselves for destroying their home and belongings, BB offers up some reasoned assumptions about the value of life and such, Alison and Adam are adamant the arguments start immediately.
Adam says the couples would be in their underpants, Alison says that it would be hard to get a camera crew there, Alison suggests setting the fires and Adam mentions the use of Go-Pro’s.
3rd Question from “Chuck Haze” I wonder if he’s related to Chet, he wants to know the biggest asshole celebrity Adam’s ever met.
Adam is now calling back to Loveline, he’s trying to conjure up the name “Sneaker Pimps” Liam from the band walked off the show, without a wallet, ID, cash, sensible shoes, roaming the streets of Culver City while the rest of the band finished the show.
It was on the eternally missing Classic Loveline #430, but you can hear some off air clips and clips of the show from the following episode.
And if you would like to hear the last time this was brought up on air, see Adam and Dr. Drew Show #09
I was their first guest on what is essentially Loveline 2.0 and as I walked in the door Adam said the phrase “What was the name of that band…” and I immediately replied “Sneaker Pimps” and was right, I’m great!
Adam is now still trying to conjure the name and describing the scene, he cites how many guests would come on the show, like Esai Morales who argued about AIDS and HIV.
“That’s like 80 feet” – Adam sharing how far Culver City to Beverly Hills actually is.
Adam cites Richard O’Brien and his infamous lost episode, which possibly could be Classic Loveline #451 from 06/22/1997 but that’s uncertain, it could be a 1996 show that’s missing from the large gap in official tapes and fan files as well.
Adam sets the game up and mentions Dawson’s level of intoxication to make a point about fun it gets.
Totally Topical Texas TiVo Trivia Time Tonight
Alison sneezes, Adam asks if she’s allergic to failure and she replies yes, gold!
1st Description “Before confronting her boss an assassin goes after the man’s younger brother and her one eyed counterpart”
BB gets the point, Dawson makes him finish the title of Kill Bill: 2 and Adam says he loves that fight scene and never gets to see the end as he’s always beating off and finishes before the movies climax.
2nd Description “A man child gets his beloved bike stolen”
BB nails Pee-Wee’s big adventure like that,
3rd Description “Young adults encounter a houseful of demented”
Adam nails Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dawson is as excited to give him the point as the crowd.
BB says they’re rooting for the underdog, shut up Bryan!
4th Description “The head of a Texas school for troubled boys, takes interest in a pale skinned teen…”
Alison nails it after Adam misses it, Adam wants to know why it had to be set in Texas and the name of the actor, Sean Patrick Flannery, and she mixes it up with Robert Sean Leonard.
Sean was on ACS #662 from 2011 and was great.
Adam asks if he was also ‘Pinhead’ too, from the ‘Hellraiser’ series, which was Doug Bradley, funny comment though.
5th Description “At a Texas penitentiary NFL Veterans…”
Adam/Pete gets the point with ‘The Longest Yard’
6th Description “An Aging Lawman”
Adam nails this one too, ‘No Country for Old Men’
7th Description “A Teenage boy grows to love a stray yellow dog”
Adam has nailed this one too “Old Yeller” and BB jokes about Adam not knowing the ending to this one too due to beating off, Adam tops him and says he only beats off when they put a bullet in the dog’s head, gold!
8th Description “A Curvy customer and a smarmy golf pro pal motivate a…”
Adam nails ‘Tin Cup’ but then credits the couple up front and BB has a killer Scully and Mulder ‘X Files” joke aimed at the couple up front.
9th Description “An image consultant transforms a tomboyish F.B.I. Agent”
BB nails “Miss Congeniality”
10th Description “Fate brings together native American spirit warrior Tonto”
BB nails ‘The Lone Ranger”
11th Description “The Bandit”
Adam gets the point with ‘Smokey and the Bandit”
12th Description “Two Criminals and their hostages (Alison tries to protest and Dawson steamrolls her) unknowingly seek temporary refuge in an establishment populated by Vampires”
Adam gets ‘From Dusk Till Dawn” and jokes about asking for the answer again from the crowd, nullifying his win even further in Bryan’s mind, this will come back to haunt us all.
13th Description (The Deep Water Rounds) “A Texas Farmer moves to the city immerses himself in Honky-tonk”
BB gets ‘Urban Cowboy’ and Adam asks Alison for her 1 point since she doesn’t need it when Gary reads the scores.
14th Description “A high school football coach from Odessa Texas”
BB rings in too early and guesses wrong with ‘Varsity Blues’ playing the meta game of what will Lynch pick over the plot of the film, the coach is a dick in the movie, but not the plot point, this is ‘Friday Night Lights’ and Adam knows it.
“We Have a few more, you have a comfortable lead so let’s keep going” – Dawson
15th Description “An over 30 ex quarterback”
BB guesses ‘North Dallas Forty’ and misses it, Adam gets it right and the win ‘Necessary Roughness’ and he brags about digging deep for that shit, he’s now rubbing it in Alison’s face, mocking her for reading books and not watching shitty football movies from 1991 starring Scott Bakula.
Alison’s News – Live touring ‘Pussy Lips’ Edition
1st Story Is on the death of Jan Hooks, Alison mentions the exact disease she suffered from hasn’t been mentioned but she would like to know, Adam jokes about a house fire.
Adam is now saying it’s weird that we’ve been around long enough that there are more ex SNL players than the earth’s non SNL veteran populace.
Adam wants a “guess who used to fuck” app after Alison mentions that Kevin Nealon revealed they were a couple in the 1980’s via social media.
Adam is now further riffing about this app and the idea behind it, he’s asking why we’re so surprised that young people fuck after working on SNL.
He’d be surprised if they didn’t all fuck on the first night, even dudes on dudes, BB has a great “we get it” reply.
BB is accepting the challenge to answer the names of all the people who have been SNL cast, Adam mocks him for accepting the challenge and Alison says he keeps trivia in his tumor.
“We get it you know everything” – Adam
Alison brings up the “bad years” and how they hold up in syndication with the shittiest sketches edited out, Adam is now riffing about Buck Henry playing a pedophile, Alison brings up the infamous ‘Canteen Boy” sketch and Adam conveniently “yeah but still’s” her without saying it.
2nd Story Is on Amazon.com’s first physical store set to open in NYC, she explains the location and Adam asks if it will be better than the “as seen on TV” store and references his 1997 purchase of the “Wonder Mop” and now riffs about the items from bygone infomercials.
Alison is riffing with him and they are going through basically the entire 1990’s RonCo catalog, Alison brings up the hair removal gel Nads.
Adam is joking about things that store handily under your bed and how nobody ever stores exercise equipment under the bed, he says if it does end up in your bed it becomes a clothes holder.
BB asks what’s under Adam’s bed, he misses a wide open spot to riff about some funny shit and just tells him what is under their, all boring like.
Adam is saying that all of his furniture happily accepts matchbox cars and Tennis Balls, but not hands nor vacuums, it might even have a vacuum sucking things further back.
Alison riffs about the arm breaking maneuver where you lay flat trying to reach, Adam wants to know why we live in this in-between world where it helps nothing.
Adam is joking about vacuum bags and how much sweater storage people need, Alison brings up the food dehydrator and Adam is riffing about the 280lb Elk in his garage that needs to be processed into jerky.
Adam is riffing about the weird relationship humans have with air, he’s now mocking it and telling it to talk to its friend water, are we in or out?
Alison is now telling Adam about the store and how it works with returning items bought online, Alison loves the idea and Alison brings up Tony Little, BB names him.
Adam is now riffing in character as Tony and mocking his sales pitch and ponytail, Adam asks about the worse guys on earth, asking if anyone is worse than the guys like Tony who pull their ponytail through the back of their non-fitted baseball caps.
Alison brings up the person she wants to be on the exercise video, she wants to be the low impact gal not working hard far to the left of the most intense workout.
Adam tells them about doing audience warm up for an infomercial, Alison wants to know which one, me too! Was it the food slicer? Nope, it was the one that starred Bob Eubanks, the “invisible glove” a liquid cover for your hands to protect them from residues and scents.
Adam says “Hand Be Pleased” and says he got to go out to Lunch with Bob Eubanks and says it was at the point in his career where he would have sucked Bob off for an extra 100$ on his check.
Alison riffs about Adam using the glove for that scenario and he says he would squirt in his mouth, he now riffs the sound effects, gold!
Alison lists her favorite infomercials, first the ‘Nads’ one, then ‘Aero bed’ and ‘P-90x’ and mocks the hosts use of the line “pure DNA” to refer to weight.
Adam jokes about muscle confusion and attacking a cop when pulled over, he brings up Arnold Schwarzenegger and messes up the last name, BB says “careful” and Adam talks about how Arnold and his non confused, super organized muscles from the 1970’s and ‘Pumping Iron’ seem pretty impressive.
Adam is bringing up Jimmy Kimmel’s “4 minute workout’ device and Adam busts out some physical comedy and BB compliments him, then says “Jim Carrey you ain’t!” as Adam sits down to chill out from the exertion, he describes the “it’s like you’re being electrocuted” style device in question.
“Forget about muscle confusion, how about muscle terror!” – Adam
Adam asks if they ever go in anyone’s house and wonder if people fuck on their exercise equipment, Alison asks if anyone fucks in the safety deposit box room, Adam says no, you can only beat off, only one person is allowed at once.
Adam would like to go to the Amazon store to see all his returned books with boogers and pubes on them, Adam jokes about how Gwyneth Paltrow probably fucks around her house, Alison says she has plenty of square footage that has been unmolested so far, her and her husband are settling into a routine and not “christening” every location like she might have in the past, Alison!
Adam riffs about fucking in one of the vacuum bags under his bed, hilarious noises and a solid one liner about one of molly’s toys and the lack of oxygen.
Adam reminds fans to use Amazon.com to help him get back to 0, BB brings up the guy who drove in from Beaumont to have a bottle of Mangria signed, and Mike August reminded him what else is in fucking Beaumont, the P.O. Box that was used to sue Adam and Co.
3rd Story Is on the new photo leak, Alison assumes that Adam has seen ‘The Fappening’ and he admits he’s never seen it, along with the Rob Lowe video, the R. Kelly Video and Alison asks about the Pamela Anderson tape.
Adam was the longest hold out and protested viewing it for years, until he was on the road with Drew for their college gig at the University of Pennsylvania, Adam returned to his room and saw the Pam and Tommy Lee tape for 13.99, Alison didn’t know it was sold in hotels, it was and mass produced on DVD and sold that way too.
Adam is now riffing about his porn technique where he must watch every scene before beating off, in case someone he went to high school with is in the next scene, which actually happened to him with Missy aka Christy Canyon, so he’s right to do that.
Adam is now lamenting the edited version of the tape, minus any real nudity or action, including him steering the houseboat with is cock, Adam then re-ordered and still didn’t get to see the key scenes.
Adam is joking about carrying his own hemp envelopes and sealing them with his Jizz, Adam jokes about guys he knows who argue about the porn films with the cute 24yr old chick at the counter.
Adam says you can get away without paying if you have the balls to do it.
Adam says how you know when something is free is when it can easily be removed from the bill, willy-nilly.
Alison now quotes Jennifer Lawrence’s take on the leak, she calls it a sex crime and says that anyone who looks at the photos are perpetuating a sex crime.
Adam says good luck with that campaign, “every time you do an interview telling people not to go to the internet to look at your titties, I think halfway through the internet they’re going to the internet to look at your titties” – Adam
Nice “Grinder” sandwich reference from Ace.
Adam is now doing his first and last live read of the show.
Adam is doing a Draft Kings live read with BB, Adam jokes about the Dolphins fans booing in the audience and BB mentions a local Cowboys player to win favor.
Adam plugs Mangria and Carolladrinks.com before wrapping up the best live show in quite some time, I wish I could’ve been there, what a fucking miss that was.