29 Jun Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 06/26/2014 – Doug Benson, Live from Phoenix
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Doug Benson, Live from Phoenix
Recorded 06-21-2014 – Release Date 06-26-2014
Production Number #1354
Adam is opening the show with Doug Benson for his 15th or 16th appearance, Adam is immediately commenting on Doug’s bracelets and he’s explaining why he has them.
Adam is being polite and touching on his theory about men who wear many bracelets, Adam is now riffing about the Neptune society in response to Doug’s Jewish cemetery joke to explain the way bizarre fashion choices.
Adam is asking Doug about his burial plans and now Alison is wisely commenting on what a morbid opening topic it is.
Adam says he’s an atheist but doesn’t want his dead body leaned over a railing in Times Square being cornholed by an AIDS monkey.
Alison has a good point about being alive to give consent and Adam has a great Terry Schiavo point.
Adam is asking Doug about movies and now responding to Dragons being back in media, Adam says his relationship to dragons is like that of his to the Kardashians.
Doug says he likes “How to Train Your Dragon 2” more than the original and Adam is comparing the entertainment for children of his era vs. today.
Adam is comparing it to sitting in a boring waiting room while someone is putting new tires on your car, trapped in a place with no other content.
Adam is joking about reading a box of maxi pads after becoming so bored, Adam has a great joke about blue liquid not coming out of his lady friends, as if he’s a woman too, wow!
Adam is getting a refresher on Doug’s youth in San Diego and his dad working at a continuation school, as a teacher.
Adam is now polling the audience on all of their schools, if they also had schools attached or satellite for the stoner kids who didn’t want to learn or follow structure.
Adam is getting to how Doug’s dad also taught the troubled fucked up hippy kids, much like his own father taught/worked at “5 Acres” and while he’s told BB about this and it was covered in depth on the 2007 ACS with Bonaduce who attended there.
Adam is telling it to the audience and Alison for the first time and sharing the time they asked him about saying grace, hilarious “who’s on first” type of misunderstanding.
Bryan is now asking for Adam to say Grace now and Adam is sharing how he twisted the rhyme like Eminem and is taking it back to Doug’s bracelets.
He says they’re all from different cruises he’s been on, Adam is telling them about his 1997 Christmas Cruise with Jimmy Kimmel and his ex-wife, although they didn’t call her that at the time, but he was always thinking it.
Adam is joking about his own marital situation, Adam is telling them about the Kareoke night on the boat, but leaving out the funniest part which was the Casino and the sack full of nickels story.
Adam is recreating the night for them and telling them all of the details of the lack of balsamic vinegar on the entire vessel and the shitty couple they were say next to.
Totally Topical TiVo Trivia Time Today!
1st “A small time Rancher agrees to hold a captured outlaw”
Adam is first but can’t remember the name, Doug steals it and they’re running Yuma/Humor into the ground, Dawson is giving Adam half a point and tells Doug that he wouldn’t get it.
2nd “The Griswold’s…”
Doug again with the point and then he explains we already heard him say the Griswold’s.
3rd “A conman and his partner pose as Santa”
Doug mocks Adam for thinking it was “Raising Arizona” and Defends with the fact that TiVo often have funky descriptions that don’t fully portray the film they’re for.
BB gets the point.
4th “Actor Bob Crane”
Doug takes it with Auto Focus, BB objects.
5th “Doc Holiday”
BB gets the point and Adam says that “Doc Holliday sounds like a really good microbrew root beer. Something refreshing, not something with syphilis that would shoot you”
6th “a Nineteenth Century Gunslinger unites Townspeople…”
Adam is commenting on how now Doug is in favor him getting the full point despite fucking up the title, Adam is quickly mocking the movies where people battle aliens with primitive technology.
Doug is mocking the movie “Independence Day” and Adam is mocking the punch Will delivered to said Alien in the movie.
Doug is telling them about punching sharks and how it was done on Mythbusters, Bryan has a funny “Jaws” joke and Alison says it sounds like animal abuse.
Adam is saying that punching everything on the earth in the nose will slow it down at least momentarily.
7th “Struggling with his declining career an ageing country music star”
Doug gets it again.
Adam asks if Jeff Bridges isn’t just starring in “Haggard” now just playing big gutted dudes with facial hair who won’t speak English.
Adam is telling them about seeing R.I.P.D and how Jeff went straight from True Grit to that.
8th “A Loser…”
Not Doug, at least in the game.
Alison has a great “that and cancer” joke about BB’s claim to fame after Dawson says the best part is that Bryan didn’t win.
Doug is telling them about flying in after performing in Philly, Adam is promoting “Getting Doug with High” and Adam is for sure doing it, it’s on the schedule.
Adam is asking him about the weirdest episode, he’s telling them about Eric Andre and how he became introverted and sharing how Jeff Ross just made fun of Doug the entire time. Like a Roast.
Adam wants to know how they consume the pot on the show, the delivery system and he’s asking what they do.
Doug has a table full of devices and vape pens, he’s telling Adam all about that.
Adam wants to know what strain they should smoke, he’s asking him about the strains and how they work.
Adam is asking him about the remaining guests, he’s sharing how Tommy Chong only took about one hit and never got any complaints for not smoking more.
Adam is now addressing Tommy’s jail time for selling bongs on the internet.
Adam is now asking for any law enforcement in the crowd, he’s asking cops to do what we want them to do, not arrest Tommy Chong, a taxpayer making hundreds of thousands and pay to incarcerate him instead of letting him earn on the outside.
Adam says he feels the same way about Justin Bieber, he’s an earner, let’s keep him here and take his fucking money.
Adam is asking Doug about the other guests on the show, Doug says the most popular one is with Aubrey Plaza and Alia Shawkat but it’s possible because they’re cute.
Doug is mocking the excuses used to not appear on his show, Adam is now asking if the show is not just a thinly veiled excuse for him to do what he wants, much like if he did a podcast where he tinkers on cars and pontificates on beating off and the government.
Adam is now asking Doug about his hobbies and he’s having trouble remembering all of the podcasts he hosts.
Adam is asking him about the rock cruises he attends and performs on, Adam is asking what kind of life he has and Alison is sharing how she gets sea sick and knows about it despite an incredulous Doug, and duh she’s been on a boat of some kind dude.
Adam is saying fishing sounds better than it is and he’s describing the time he went with Jimmy Kimmel, first he’s telling them about him throwing up in his snorkel in Catalina before getting to the full story.
Adam is telling them about the 3:30am departure time, Jimmy showed up at 1:45am and they arrived at 2:45am with 3 hours to kill in San Pedro, not a good 3 hours.
Adam describes the diner filled with Coyotes they found, it was an intro straight out of “Animal House” they ordered Huevos Rancheros and Adam is describing Jimmy’s first vomit blast as they pulled away from the dock.
Adam is joking about the “fishing police outline” of gear and tackle surrounding Jimmy’s body laying the on the deck for 12 1/2hrs, nobody else cared about it and were bust cleaning fish next to him.
They’re back from break.
1st Story Is on the death of a hoarder after he cluttered 1st floor caved into the basement, she’s got the details of the discovery of her body.
Adam says that two people he grew up with in his life have been featured on the show “Hoarders” and Adam wants to know if we shouldn’t send the friends parents and kids of these people to recover the body, we don’t pay cops for this nor train cadaver dogs for them.
Adam is now telling them about his landlocked Viking funeral for his own mom if she was to have this happen, Adam is saying he would burn the house down.
Adam is now ranting about hoarding and has at least 3 key quotes, including the woman dying what she loved, being crazy.
Adam doesn’t think we should make nor pay cops and firemen to dig these people out, Adam is explaining his process to track down their relatives with a funny joke about the origins of twitter, for hoarders buried in their own trash.
Adam is now joking about the idea of one’s mom’s dying from being crushed by useless shit, Adam is now asking about Hoarding and wants to know if this was happening 200 years ago, hilarious pelts riff.
Alison says its China’s fault and Adam is joking about them being diabolical and Alison has a killer Chinese daughters joke, wow!
Adam is now telling them about the American Flag he was handed last night, he’s explaining how meaningful it was and he’s saying he cannot throw this stuff away but is constantly given military mementos.
“You want to wipe your ass with the American Flag Stoner, that’s your business, I don’t roll that way” – Adam in reply to Doug telling him to throw things out, Alison kills it mocking Doug’s rubber bracelets and the crowd is stunned, gold!
2nd Story Gun shy Alison has a follow up on the tooth tattoos story, she’s explaining another detail from the story and the concept of the crowns used for these fake tattoos.
Doug jokes about slapping the woman with the ladybug tattoo, Adam says he would do a tattoo of the little piece of broccoli as a conversation starter.
Alison shares that Dolly Parton’s arms and breasts are covered in tattoo’s she apparently wears a bodysuit and Alison explains how it started.
“It’s like Care Bears Jizzed on her chest” – Alison describing Dolly Parton’s chest tattoos, Adam is asking Doug about the movie “Nine to Five” from (1980) and now “Straight Talk” from (1992) and has a killer quote about what people don’t think to themselves about Dolly Parton.
Alison shares her most hated one hit wonder is Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5” and now Adam is telling her about his appearance on MTV Loveline and refusal to accept his eventual and probable career decline.
A weird moment just passed where Adam tried to impress or share the details of the “Quiet” Alec Baldwin drop with Doug but he completely blew it off, odd.
Adam is finishing up the details of Lou on Loveline, Doug keeps insisting that the man is dead and Adam says no it’s not true, the audience member keeps shouting he’s dead and Adam is mocking him and Doug.
Adam has a great “silver Lou Bega edition iPhone” retort for the drunk audience member, Adam tells him to kick Siri right in the pussy, and she’s drunk talking shit about Lou, great riff.
Adam is pitching a joke about taking over Siri and Doug has to correct Adam on the pronunciation and jokes about Tom Cruise’s kid, original.
Adam is now joking about his idea of using Siri to write crazy shit for the users of the service, The guy mistook Lou Bega for Lou Reed, Doug is mocking him and has a funny “they numbered all of their songs” retort.
Doug is commenting on the Lou Bega vs. Lou Reed side by side comparison.
3rd Story Is on the best seats on a plane, she’s sharing the details of the safest seats, Doug says it’s them trying to sell the shittiest seats.
Adam is saying he’s never heard of an accident where two people survived for picking the right seats, Adam uses 9/11 and the drunk audience guy is now saying it’s too soon.
Adam is telling them about flying a prop plane to Napa and is sharing his experience sitting next to the blades of death lined up with his head on the flight.
Adam is explaining they flew out on Friday the 13th to Napa and now Alison is sharing the best way to sleep on a plane.
Doug is challenging Alison as he’s a “flight know it all” and now Adam is explaining his experiences riding in 1st class with no overhead storage due to discourteous coach passengers.
Alison is mocking him and Doug has a funny old time hoarding callback, Adam is joking about his Gucci bag having to be handled by a non-Gucci friendly person.
Alison is now asking them where they like to sit, Doug has an “Airplane!” joke, Adam is sharing why he doesn’t like aisle seats, and he gets his knees dinged by flight attendants pushing carts.
Doug is commenting on flight crews who have been hitting and bumping into him, Adam is telling them about a flight attendant with a large ass who was bumping each seat along the way, like cards in the spokes of a Schwinn.
Adam says fuck Kevin Smith and is now jumping to a new story about a flight out of Burbank, Doug has a nice back down and Adam is telling them about the guy who needed a belt extender for his massive gunt, then another guy casually asked for one as well.
Adam is joking about these guys travelling together and his own desire for another person to order booze so he can order one with them, taking the guilt and blame away from him.
Adam is saying that his actual belt would be a seatbelt extender so then he would be ready, Adam is now asking why hipsters don’t wear seatbelt belts.
Adam is explaining the Kevin Smith seat story as he knows it and now giving his take on how flights should work, ticket prices based on weight.
4th Story Is on the F.B.I.’s list of internet slang that nobody uses anymore, she’s reading some examples.
Adam is telling them about the drunken audience member from last night, BB tries to insult him and Adam says how dare you he’s a good drunk, he was on fire with the comedy so I don’t know what point Bryan is trying to make, my boss is even funnier than me on stage when he’s had shots too?
Adam is sharing how the guy now had a black eye and a told them of waking up in the hospital, Adam tells people to have a cool story for their black eyes, involving telling a bouncer his wife or mom’s pussy stinks apparently.
Alison brings up how odd it was after they talked about steaks being used on black eyes in that show he was attending.
5th Story Is a study on the 25 drunkest states in America, Adam says the study must be based on the amount of times “Dude Maintain was heard in public” and Alison is now listing off the top 10.
Adam has a new reality show for Doug, sadly it doesn’t involve him sitting around and getting high so maybe they have to get somebody else.
Adam is telling them about his “I’m a Federal Marshal/Guy with a Windbreaker” idea involving someone entering an Alaskan bar declaring they’re looking for someone.
Alison reveals that New Hampshire is the number #1 drunkest state and Adam says “Live Free or Boot” and now he’s doing a live read.
Doug is stunned that people are excited for them, Adam is explaining why he does them.
Adam is doing a live read for Boxed.com
6th Story is on how to win at “Rock, Papers, Scissors” and Adam is now ranting about the people who hang back to modify their shit at the end.
Alison is now reading the tips, she says players must randomize their choices and winners tend to stick to their winning action and losers tend to cycle through in order.
Adam is now joking about the guys who did this study playing “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to decide who spoke at the conference.
Adam wants the origins of the game and jokes about the dagger being in the original version, Doug shares its alternate name and now is being told by the audience that China invented the game.
Adam wants to know the person who started the rumor about him and the semen stomach pump urban legend, Alison is sharing the vague details of what she’s heard from an interview.
Adam wants to know why people run with these stories and he’s now sharing why he thinks the Richard Gere story is true, he’s using the bored of fucking 28yr old Cindy Crawford theory.
Doug has a why not a mole? Closer and Alison wraps the news on a high point, a laugh according to Adam and the audience too.
Adam is now doing a live read for legal zoom, Adam is giving out the plugs for Doug and wrapping up the final show from Phoenix for 2014, I assume.