02 Apr Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 03/26/2015 – Ralphie May, Live from the Irvine Improv
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Ralphie May, Live from the Irvine Improv
Recorded 03-25-2015 – Release Date 03-26-2015
Production Number #1539
Adam opens the show with the standard intro, he introduces Bald Bryan and Gina, Adam jokes about her needing a tampon and is now riffing about how men would react from a mood and hygiene standpoint if they had a tampon.
Adam is now asking about how many men have used other items for wiping besides toilet paper, BB jokes about a poor girl in the crowd who is stunned by her suitor’s honesty.
Adam is joking about her response about the guy who drives her and buys her things, Adam is joking about his Ford Focus and him being a sugar daddy, a saccharine daddy or Splenda daddy.
Adam is asking if MPG or cloth interior is more important for the woman, Adam is speaking with the guy Matt and asking him about their 3rd date.
Adam is joking about meeting her on “PoorDate” and has a click here if you hate cylinders one liner, Adam is now asking about the first two dates. Matt has a solid reply, he’s rolling with it.
Adam is further mocking his car, his 15 inch rims and window cranks.
BB and Adam are further exploring their past two dates, Adam is joking about him sticking with the major brands by going to CPK, he schools him on finding local spots and how to present them to a woman you’re dating.
Adam is now back to the woman in the audience, she has a shitty answer and Adam mocks her, Adam is now riffing about her Sentra.
Adam is mocking the Ford ‘Fiesta’ and ‘Festiva’ and the possible “who’s on first” routines going on at the dealerships mixing the cars up.
Adam is bringing up the Daihatsu Charade and refuses to let it die, she reveals she’s a pastry chef from Disney Land, Adam is joking about her job sounding like a made up fantasy of Ralphie May’s.
Adam is asking her about crème churros and joking about his son eating such Freudian foods, Adam is asking if Disneyland has a Michelin rating.
Adam is now looking at a comparison of two of the cars brought up, Adam is sharing his experience with the concierge service at Disneyland and retelling the story in full, Gina is trying to prompt him and BB is barely participating.
BB suggests that Lindsey, the woman in the audience has never heard of the show, she says this is her first time hearing it, how is that a bad thing, this show is hilarious.
Adam has a killer ‘Gin and Juice’ reference, working in Matt’s lame car.
Adam is telling Matt to prevent Lindsey from ordering just juice on a date, Adam is joking about feeing her a strict diet of mescal tequila worms.
Adam is asking her if she’s a drinker, Ralphie May joins them about 20min in.
Ralphie is telling them about his two homes, apologizes for the traffic and brings up their kids playing hockey together, Adam is now explaining it must be his daughter as his son isn’t so inclined.
Adam is commenting on how kids live through their tablets, Adam mocks the one asshole dad wearing shorts who brags about being from the Midwest where it gets much colder than a skating rink.
Adam is talking about shopping at the Skating Rink and how it’s like buying Jewelry at Caesar’s Mall, you don’t buy anything there, that’s why they invented outlet stores.
Adam says whatever you save on shopping at outlet stores you lose on the gas commuting, Ralphie is telling them about getting bitched out when he shows up high for his kids events.
Adam is asking him why he keeps a place in Nashville, he has a variety of great reasons that all make perfect sense.
Adam is commenting on every other state trying to attract citizens and offer incentives for their populace.
Adam says sex is like a Band-Aid and you need to rip it right off, rip that pussy right off and Ralphie is riffing with him.
Ralphie says he did ok on the road before he was married but for a fat guy he deserves an award, Adam is now riffing about a fat guy getting laid hall of fame.
Adam is asking about midget vs. dwarf and has a hilarious medieval weaponry one liner.
Adam is asking if women have “fat guy” on their “to do list” like someone of a different race or height, Adam gets a shitty reply from the crowd.
Adam is asking Ralphie what a fat guy position is, he says he “has a good dick” and Adam is joking about him being on top, hilarious “trust fall” comparison while talking about Ralphie’s wife being beneath his impressive frame.
Ralphie is telling Adam about his repeat customers, Adam asks if the women were still stuck in the mattress where he left them, Adam is now doing an impression of the next guy to stay in the hotel room unaware his mattress has a woman embedded in it, holy shit!
Adam and BB are now peppering Ralphie with some questions about his 14 years of road time before getting married, Adam brings up the time Ralphie was on the KLSX ACS 08/15/2007 and told the story in full of the time he was injured by a drunk driver.
Ralphie is doing a funny truncated version of the story he once shared nearly 8 years ago during the dreaded Bonaduce era, the “gas leak year” of the KLSX ACS.
Adam is now riffing about the guy who lets his friend fresh from a stint in jail for a DUI then drive drunk the very night he gets out.
Adam and Ralphie are joking about the DUI commercial where the cop emerges from the brick wall, Adam is citing the lack of black dudes in DUI commercials and how it’s the one place that’s still segregated.
Adam jokes about a Pepsi commercial that takes place at a Klan rally and still features a couple black guys in the crowd, for the sake of diversity, this is an insane riff.
They’re now watching one of the spots and Adam is moving on to the audience questions. Adam’s closing line about trying to turn lemon into “black AIDS.” Is particularly bizarre and well timed.
Q and Ace
1st Question Samuel, Adam is joking about him going with Samuel and he explains there are way too many people named Sam of his generation.
He wants to know Adam’s thoughts about online dating and has a pointed question about masculinity aimed at Matt, of Lindsey and Matt fame.
Adam is joking about online dating and the death of the medallion business, hilarious riff.
Adam is joking about how online porn would prevent him from ever actually making it to a date, he would chat online and make a date, beat off and lose his chi and motivation for chasing girls.
Ralphie suggests Adam wouldn’t be good at online dating because he’s too honest, Adam is now riffing about a “Cyber Cyrano de Bergerac.”
Adam is further exploring this question with Samuel, he’s now riffing about online dating as told to kids as the story of how their parents met, he’s now taking it too every extreme and has so many good riffs in here it should be turned into a book or used on album.
Adam is now riffing about nurses and wicker, Adam is telling Ralphie about making his kids in the lab and the place where he was forced to “provide his sample” and Gina sums up Adam’s comments about the acoustics in the facility.
Adam says he has to explain life a lot to his wife, commenting on how people who don’t give a shit about you telling you whatever works best for them, he cites the rule about liquid and surgery and uses his time tested example to make his argument.
BB loves that Adam claimed his wife slaps a juice box out of his hand, the idea he drinks from a juice box.
Adam jokes about tube socks he had in high school still walking around fine, living life.
Adam says he’s a jacking ninja and now Ralphie is asking him about his most challenging beat off scenarios, he’s going to tell the crazy one.
Adam is sharing how he beat off in his 1984 5 speed pickup truck at 640am while on his bench seat and driving on Mulholland, hilarious line about the sad hitchhiker.
BB is asking if it’s better to do construction and carpentry after beating off, Ralphie is now sharing his weirdest place and tells them about doing it while driving.
Adam is surprised that nobody has ever written a country song about jacking off on the road, Adam sings “On the Road Again’ and BB tells them about jacking off in a truck cab while his uncle was driving, and he mocked GPS? What! That’s so much worse.
1st Story is on a California ballot proposal titled ‘The Sodomite Suppression Act’ and Gina has the details of the proposal, Adam asks the chances that the author is gay.
Ralphie says he must be, the audience is losing it at Ralphie’s reaction and now Adam is having BB plays a gay guy and does his “great more pussy for me, do you know where to get some good food around here” version of a guy who doesn’t give a shit.
BB jokes about this being Adam Carolla giving a lesson on tolerance.
Adam is praising the lawns of gay people, he says you could tell you where “boy’s town” and the rest of Santa Monica begins via a satellite image of just the lawn coloring.
Gina is sharing her take and says this author sounds gay.
2nd Story is a study on men who watch porn have better sex than those who don’t, Adam jokes about the banner on a porn site asking “Tired of Beating Off?” and how he’s clearly not tired of it.
Gina is reading the story and asks if anyone considers that cheating, Adam is joking about torn ball sacks and uses a great “staying loose” sports metaphor.
Adam says it depends on what kind of porn the guy is viewing, if it matches your look then you got a match, if it’s a chasm in difference it becomes a cock/pussy chasm/conundrum.
Adam jokes about beating off to Asian porn and how much like the saying about Chinese food, you need to beat off again 30min later.
Adam says he doesn’t know how to use the computer that well and says he doesn’t cover his tracks very well, Adam is telling them about the French guy doing a photoshoot for Adam, which exposed Adam’s search history and Adam is riffing about his internal thoughts about what to do.
BB asks how that went, Adam is now sharing another example where it went badly with his wife and assistant on a much larger screen.
Adam is joking about titty fucking popups.
Ralphie is shocked at how computer illiterate Adam is.
3rd Story is on Mr. T’s new home renovation show ‘I Pity the tool’ and Adam says he doesn’t know shit about home building and jokes about him trying to do home repairs with that amount of jewelry.
They’re now listing the various other home improvement shows with washed up celebrities, gold.
Adam is telling Gina and the crowd about bringing his kids with him to a “sting day” and Adam wants to know what’s so satisfying about shutting up when being sneaky.
Adam is commenting on how the contractors are often 2 feet away from 30 crew members hiding in the garage, Adam says the only problem with this is that his kids think podcasting and busting unscrupulous contractors are real jobs.
4th Story is no a 12yr old girl who has been arrested for attempted murder after trying to poison her mother for taking her iPhone away.
Adam suggests if you raise kids who want to kill you that means you’re a shitty parent and he’s now doing his riff on how if both of his kids are open to killing him and his wife they have clearly done a piss poor job in raising their kids.
Adam jokes about sharing a bottle of wine with his wife, how he consumes 90+% of the bottle.
Adam is doing a Draft Kings live read
5th Story is on Andy Campbell’s article about his soda consumption
Adam is now riffing with Ralphie about soda consumption and now Adam is bringing up the “country gay” style where you’re still sexually interested in women but dress flamboyantly.
Adam is now joking about the ‘D Tards’ who drink Sunny D over orange juice and then compares quality soda options to Mountain Dew.
Adam says that what Americans have done around food is what Europeans have done with titties, Ralphie has a funny “shave it” one liner.
Adam is now commenting on how breast mean more to him than guys raised in Europe, Adam says there is no energy with the titty when it’s so commonly visible/accessible.
Adam is now bringing up his food deprivation and how he would take it out on the pantries of the houses where he babysat.
Adam comments on the forbidden fruit of pie filling and marshmallows, he brings up knowing where the Playboy Magazines were at Rivi and Ronnie’s house.
Adam is telling them about the time he invited Ray over and smashed a flaming marshmallow into Adam’s face, Adam is now comparing and contrasting his pain relative to Ralphie’s.
Adam is describing the wound that looked like a john had shot him a bad load, holy shit.
Gina wraps up the news.
Adam is checking in with Lindsey again, asking if she’s drinking her Mangria.
Adam is now joking about them driving recklessly in the Ford, Adam is joking about the scenes from 80’s movies where cars would outrun helicopters.
Adam is doing a live read for Squatty Potty
Ralphie already has one, he’s a fan of another show and learned about it there.
Adam says the way god wanted you to drop a deuce.
Adam is giving out the plugs, ‘Take a Knee’ and then ‘Road Hard’ and of course Ralphie’s plugs.