07 Mar Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 02/29/2016 – Soledad O’Brien, Live from The El Portal Theatre
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Soledad O’Brien, Live from The El Portal Theatre
Recorded 02-27-2016 – Release Date 02-29-2016
Production Number #1767
Adam opens the rare local theatre show with a lazy “G’s V” intro, Adam welcomes Soledad O’Brien to the stage and compliments her work on ‘Real Sports’ and demands to know what Bryant Gumbel is writing on his notepad.
Adam has a killer swastika joke and is already on fire, he’s explaining what a huge fan of the show he is to Soledad and gets into the extreme sports athletes who refuse to give it up after losing loved ones and friends to the same activity.
Soledad talks about base jumping with some young men who died in an accident a week later, Adam has a killer freak accident riff, Adam makes up a sport where a service dog jumps out with your parachute while you snowboard, Adam calls it a parachute transfer.
Adam is asking her about base jumping and how her husband was with her doing it, Adam jokes about getting himself in trouble with being too casual about Lynette risking her life, funny concept.
BB is now asking her if she’s secretly glad if a tragedy befalls a person after an interview, Adam has a funny “if it bleeds it leads” riff and jokes about bloody bodies getting Bryant to look up from his notepad.
Adam is telling Soledad about watching her every morning from 2006-2009 when he would get up for his old morning show and she tells them about waking up at 2am and eating a full size snickers.
Adam has a killer “what the fuck, where’s she going?” comment from a neighborhood rooster judging Soledad for leaving her house so early and he explains his theory on how waking up early and the trauma of it requires you eat like an asshole and indulge in other vices.
Adam says that he would bet that she and her cohost were the only two people on earth more miserable than he was when he awoke at 5am.
Adam is telling her about his kid’s basketball leagues’ and how they make the playoffs every year just by being enrolled and showing up for the games.
Adam is telling them about Natalia’s potential game lineup and the boy’s alternating schedule.
Adam jokes about cheering his lungs out for the other team and being the most magnanimous guy on the court, just healthy as can be.
Adam explains his daughter’s game went into Overtime and her team won by a single point.
Adam says a dad from the other team wished him good luck with the win and sent Lynette a picture of himself enjoying some brisket and an IPA while he was trapped in the gym all day.
Adam talks about the guy sitting near him who was abusing the ref and complaining the whole game, he even felt compelled to talk shit and comment even when the ref gave them something “their way” and Soledad tells them about living all day on a soccer field for the kids.
Adam is telling them about explaining free throws to Lynette and her niece, Adam explains how men aren’t as snarky has they get pegged by women for being, he explains the confusing conversation of him trying to explain basketball rules and how he would have reacted if were a dude.
Adam is talking about the kid’s science projects and how the school won’t be happy until they split up his marriage and he walks in on his wife beating his son with a flip flop trying to get him to finish his assignment.
Soledad knows this all too well and describes the exact experiments he’s riffing about.
Adam talks about the fund raisers for the school and how they rope him in to performing for free to raise money for rich kids.
Adam is explaining how the woman came and reminded him of his miserable booking, she asked him if he’s excited and he couldn’t even feign a fake reaction.
Adam says maybe he’ll get lucky and die on Friday.
Soledad is telling them about doing this stuff all of the time and mentions all of the 6th grade graduations she’s attended.
Adam mocks the Taco Bell campaign about graduating being “the impossible” and he transitions to Soledad and her desire to get a dog.
She shares her husband’s fears of what a dog will do to their family and Adam jokes about the tenuous thread her marriage is hanging by.
Adam says her husband doesn’t look like he’s’ ready to get divorced yet based on the photo of her family.
Adam tells them about the dog trainer who was at his house and describes him and mocks his belt of chicken and says that even Hitler could get Phil to be his best friend and do his bidding with said dead poultry satchel.
BB re-uses Adam’s “safe word” punchline after Gina asks about the trainer and if he’s the “whoops” guy that came by before and Adam is now describing how the dog chews on his son while he’s shouting whoops.
Adam thinks that 6 months will be out of the woods, poor guy has got another 12 at least.
Adam says kids are liars and like politicians they never accomplish what they promise.
Adam is now breaking down his daughter promising to pick up after the dog and even let it crap in her hand to Obama promising to close Guantanamo.
Adam is talking about his dog’s penis and ball placement and the giant chasm between both parts, the dog was peeing the hall as Natalia blazed past him in roller-skates through the trail of urine which she then tracked into his office.
Gina asks for the details on the White Bulger story that someone sent him, Adam is mocking the notion of him not resembling a criminal according to the neighbors.
Adam has a hilarious Tommy Gun, Fedora and zoot suit 1920’s gangster riff.
Gina is explaining how Whitey was caught masturbating and Adam mocks the notion of him even having his lightbulb on at night.
Adam is now quoting Whitey’s excuse of merely dusting himself with talcum powder, Adam jokes about 86yr old ejaculation “the teeth of your last girlfriend come out” and the crowd react huge to that, gold!
Adam is saying if he was in charge of a prison he would have the inmates connected to vacuum devices 24/7 to rob them of any chi whatsoever.
Adam is now quoting a prison guard who explained conjugal visits to him, Adam asks why Whitey would get up and turn the lights on in a room that is missing a wall.
Adam says that Whitey offered to take a lie detector as well.
What Can’t Adam Complain About?
1st WCACA Toothpaste, suggested by Kelsey from Utah.
Adam is now riffing about the variants of children’s toothpaste and how they don’t need to be brushing with grape jelly.
Adam is riffing about the cap getting lost and his wife’s difficulties with this, it’s like his family hates Crest.
Adam is talking about the flip top cap and how people can’t even close that.
Adam is mocking the lethargy of others and he says he just gets Toms of Maine Mint toothpaste, he’s not looking for an explosion of flavor and freshness, he’s just trying to clean his teeth off.
Adam says we just won’t stop brushing until everyone is a huge pussy, BB brings up the toothpaste chip clip device for excreting the tube to its fullest potential.
Adam is describing the bizarre weird green gel that can’t be dissolved or moved from the sink when the spit doesn’t get rinsed out.
BB is telling Adam to buy the toothpaste milker and Adam says they would sit on the kitchen counter for 13 weeks, he would come home and find the dog chewing on them and he would then just need to find something sharp to fall on.
Adam shares his sad thought about equaling his parent’s attendance record for his 10 years of football in one Saturday with his kids.
BB asks Adam about how close he grew up to this Theatre and Adam tells them about his mom’s “one-day notice” policy for making treks out of the neighborhood by car.
Gina says she’s hearing a “post show walk to Adam’s Carolla’s old House” and Adam explains how they tore down his mom’s old house.
BB references Jenny’s house from ‘Forrest Gump’ and Adam takes the idea to some hilarious places, Audience reacts huge on this one again.
Adam is talking about the demolition of his mom’s old house and how he lived on a service porch, he felt it was normal to have the meter reader bang on his door and come into his “bedroom” to read the meter.
BB calls that Unicorn and Adam explains he must’ve seemed so appealing it’s the only thing that kept him from being molested, funny where’s Chris Hansen line and then a follow up about him only being 9yrs old at the time.
1st Story is on Charlie Sheen Blaming Testosterone Cream for his behavior in the past, Gina reads his quotes and explains the story.
Adam is now riffing about the jaw definition of Charlie Sheen vs. Dr. Oz as they talk about him appearing on Oz’s show.
Adam says they both have those asshole jaws and Adam is now angry and he says he doesn’t mind guys with chins that go straight back, he hates upturned chins like Charlie and Oz sport.
Soledad also agrees she hates them, though they are handsome.
Gina is talking about his 2011 freak out and how he disengaged from life due to this testosterone cream.
Adam says he only upped his whoring game 10-13% and that couldn’t have been the only cause, Adam jokes about rubbing it on his dog and trying to get the dick and balls chasm a little smaller.
Adam has a funny riff about talking to his dog’s dick and balls, holy shit!
2nd Story is on the minor league baseball team that will be offering some bizarre items from their concessions stands.
Gina reads the menu items and Adam asks what the average weight of a person who would attend one of these games and mocks the notion of “meat lover’s pizza” in 2016.
Adam says it’s like saying I love vaginas and that doesn’t mean we want to be buried in a dump truck full of them.
3rd Story is on a Bruce Springsteen mixup where he confused Cleveland and Pittsburgh during a live performance.
Adam defends the Boss and says he started his knee slide while in the other state and slid all the way to the next venue.
Adam is riffing about Bruce and calls back the testosterone cream.
4th Story is on washed money that marijuana distributors have to literally launder to deposit in a bank.
Adam is now asking about why they prohibit the deposits and Adam jokes about the schools never being fixed by an unlimited amount of pot tax once it goes legal in California.
Adam jokes about the principal asking him about how excited he was to host the event, Adam is talking about his attempt to take a nap and how the kids were having a blast with the dog making a ton of noise and the awkward exchange he had to have with Lynette where she just described what he said happened, funny Skylab comment.
5th Story is on Alabama’s newest wrestling champion, he became champion without legs and Gina describes his win.
Adam is joking about the guy’s name Hossain and if Trump gets elected his days will be numbered, anyone with an H, watch out Harold!
Adam is now talking about the bale bodied guy who gets beaten by the person with disability, hilarious “shooting your girlfriend” prosthetic leg joke.
Adam is now explaining how this guy’s no hero and how he actually has a weight advantage and Gina apologizes for calling that a feel good story.
Adam now quotes “Hassan Chop!” and the audience tells him it’s from Daffy Duck and not Arabian Knights from ‘The Banana Splits’ and Adam has a killer beat off with the light on callback, this episode is fantastic, Adam is on fire!
6th Story is on the McDonalds chains of Sri Lanka and Adam is now arguing against the notion of a great veggie burger, he mocks the writer and Gina is describing more of the menu items.
Adam is saying this McDonalds and they are supposed to serve the same food, not some local stuff to cater to foreigners.
Adam says we should be poisoning people equally, why should only our kids be morbidly obese.
Adam is now talking about his special envoy of The Hamburglar and Mayor McCheese and he riffs about the Hamburglar not ever doing any real jail time.
Adam is closing it out with a USA #1
7th Story is on a new website ‘MyFriendSmells’ that allows you to send anonymous scented wipes to your stinky friend, boss or coworker.
Adam says he’s going to get a crate of these and can fell it coming now, BB is now asking Soledad about knowing anyone who doesn’t shower.
Adam says he has his own miniature Al Qaeda cell of bad ideas in his head, a bad idea filled angry teen listening to the same ‘Gwar’ song over and over again and the fans just egg him on and make it worse and reinforce his bad ideas.
Adam is now talking about his “soft skin” compliments and Soledad touches him, hilarious “don’t go back there” line and Adam brings up his lack of use of lotion and doesn’t understand what “winter dry skin is” and mocks the fake additives of these creams and their goofy names.
Adam is mocking the 200-billion-dollar industry built around bullshit and humiliation, he’s ranting up a storm and this could be repurposed into a ‘What Can’t Adam Complain About’ rant, very concise and he jokes about handling stranger’s kids at the mall, grabbing a handful and running for the nearest exit, hilarious!
Gina references the term ‘Whore’s bath’ and BB jokes about Soledad taking up Adam’s anti-bathing stance, hilarious closing line from BB.
8th Story is on research into why women are attracted to the cliché of a “Bad Boy” type and she shares the “Science” behind this research.
Adam argues that not showering is the ultimate bad boy accoutrement, Adam references “can’t ask me to take my shirt off” line from an old Classic Loveline guest’s bio.
Adam is telling women how to have fun, have them pretend they’re really into guys with pogo sticks in their ass, 4 months of pretending and all guys would have broken off pogo sticks up their buttholes with stories about accidents at nephew’s birthday parties.
Adam has a killer hopping away from my past callback to the earlier riff with BB from the top of the story about him “running from his past” and being a rambling man.
Adam is ranting at women “For Shame!” and telling them they are now falling for the schemes of the nerds from high school and their adopted affectations and playing right into their hands.
Gina wraps the news.
Adam is doing an Onnit.com Live Read
Why does everything have to be sexual with you? – Adam joking with Soledad.
Adam plugs Soledad’s work and asks her about the upcoming Real Sports, she explains they run it for the whole month and Adam is now riffing about flipping snowmobiles and the casual hands off parents who let their other son do the same thing after losing one.
Adam says he’ll get high and watch it again, Soledad crushed it and Adam jokes about being against the veterans while hinting about their upcoming project they’re going to work on.
Adam closes out a killer live show, one of the best ever recorded!