ABC Just Spit in America’s Face | Signed, Dylan Wrenn

ABC Just Spit in America’s Face | Signed, Dylan Wrenn

The 23rd premiere of The Bachelor aired last evening and I think we can all agree… it was an unmitigated fucking disaster. People tuned in to see the virgin golden retriever that is Colton Underwood wipe the sweat off his palms, look dumb, be dumb, and fall in love at first sight with women who have less than stable career paths… except for Cassie. Go Cassie.

The producers of this show spit in our faces last night. We have been conditioned, begrudgingly so, to allow this kind of behavior late into a season. Men/Women Tell All, Finales, fine, but THE PREMIERE!?! THE PREMIERE!?! How dare you puppet masters. How dare you.

The three-hour “bonanza” featured about 50 or so minutes of the actual show. The rest? A goddamn bombing of less than media trained Bachelor alum who few people wanted to see. Sure some people may have welcomed the past dwelling appearances of Bristowe or Jojo and yes, I’m always happy to see the Adonis that is Ben Higgins but Jason, Blake, Jared, Krystal, THE FUCKING GOOSE. I want to live in a world where I do not live in fear of seeing his terrifying fucking hairline on prime time but alas, The Bachelor producers are apparently a heartless group of dictators unconcerned with the hearts and sensibilities of innocent Americans. 

Speaking of things no one wanted to see…

I turn this show on to see beautiful people in more or less beautiful locations – a shoestring and greedy travel budget has prevented the latter lately but I digress – but last night, and I’m sorry to say, was filled with yucky yucky normies. I don’t want to see 5’s and 6’s get engaged during a block that is supposed to be dedicated to mouth breathing beauties. This is an abuse of power.

But ask yourself… why did they do this? Why?

Theories about the quality of the premiere are being touted, which may be valid, but the conclusion I’ve arrived about is even more sinister. Of course, it’s ad dollars BUT this is a grab at ad dollars through the vehicle of a three-hour live broadcast, something that this show has notoriously been terrible at. These broadcasts are filled with hiccups, mistakes and glaring problems which all contribute to a hardly seamless episode of television. That would mean that the show knowingly chose to go down a path of high energy marble-mouthed hosts not ready for live television, – Jared called Colton Colon twice, and Goose combined words at random all night long – exhibitions of ugly true love, gross, and again the Goose’s hairline.

The show wanted to make money last night at the expense of its viewership. Understandable and get that paper but next time soften the blow.

For more musings check out Another Bachelor Podcast