This Week in Rage – 9/29/13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
LL Cool J at the Emmys: Is there a federal law that LL Cool J must present or host every award show? I feel like I’ve seen him and his Kangol hat at every awards show. If I watched the Oscars in black and white from 1959 with Bob Hope hosting I’d see L.L. digitally inserted. I understand that’s he’s charismatic and charming but it’s starting to feel required. Like having Jeff Ross at a roast. I bet when the Klan puts on the Klanny’s LL still gets a call. Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy. I just feel like when my son gets his next participation trophy for t-ball LL is going to be there to give it to him.
Nachos and the Roofs of Mouths: I was on stage the other night enjoying some Mangria while I watched my guest Greg Proops enjoy some nachos. Two things occurred to me. Nachos have an incredibly short window in which you can enjoy them. There’s no such thing as a nacho doggy bag. They go from the world’s greatest food to a soggy pile of hippo flop before you even know it. At some point the chips are like “I can’t take the weight of this guacomle. Oh shit, here comes some sour cream! Fuck it, I’m going back to being a tortilla. I can’t stay solid anymore.” We overshot the mark with the nachos, we started piling on too much stuff. For years it was “Hey I’ve got an idea. Let’s take some tortilla chips and melt some cheese on them and maybe some jalepenos on the side.” But somewhere along the line it became “How about we add some quacamole on top of that and then put some chili on that and then a pyramid of pinto beans, and then an ice cream scooper filled with pulled chicken and covered it all with a bucket of sour cream and chives.” At a certain point it went from nachos to a nacho sundae. We need to take a step back in the nacho department. If we want to avoid soggy nachos we need to get back to basics people, that’s all I’m saying.
But that’s what happens if you wait to long. The nacho cheese may end cold and congealed but it starts magma hot. If you eat them too soon you burn the roof of your mouth. So I started thinking about the roof of the mouth. What did God have in mind with the roof of the mouth? Feet are tough. I could go out and walk my dog barefoot because the skin on my feet is tough. We’re designed that way. Our feet and our hands are tougher because they make contact with hot, cold and sharp things all the time. So why is it that the roof of your mouth is such a pussy? A cup of Top Ramen that was in the microwave 8 seconds too long will fuck you up for a week. Why is the roof of your mouth as soft as a baby’s bottom? Why did God make that the most sensitive part of our body when it takes the most punishment? It should be like the shell of a horseshoe crab. I should be able to wash down a fistful of the world’s sharpest object, dry Captain Crunch by chugging a pot of hot coffee laughing the whole time.
Koran Quarterback Wristband: We’re living in tough times. We all saw the images of the situation at the mall in Kenya with the terrorists killing anyone who wasn’t Muslim. I’ve always thought this was going to be the next step. It wasn’t going to be another Twin Towers situation. I thought terrorists would just get guns and take over a mall like they did. Sadly it may not be too long before we see that happen here. So I have to wonder how do they test them? How does Ahmed with the AK know who’s the Muslim to let go and who’s the Christian to kill. As always I have a solution. This invention will be great if you find yourself being held at an Orange Julius waiting for your captor to give you a pop quiz about the prophet. An NFL, Tom Brady style, quarterback wristband with a Koran cheat-sheet. Full of important facts like the name of Muhammad’s mother and his birthplace. Hell, you could throw your anniversary and wife’s birthday on there too just in case. You can pick her up something on the way out of the mall when you’ve cheated your way through your potentially final exam on Allah’s messenger.