This Week In Rage – 9/27/14
This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Yep, it’s been a couple weeks since I put out one of these blogs. Been getting up at the crack of fuck every day and driving to God-forsaken lands such as Whittier and Corona to catch contractors, places that make the setting of No Country for Old Men look like Malibu. Anyway, thanks for hanging in there and checking back in on this. Enjoy the complaints.
Diverting planes: As you heard in Alison’s news segment there was another flight diverted. Some guy freaked out tried to open the door, was masturbating, etc. The way I see it between all the booze and crazy people, not to mention all the narcissists with their “service dogs” shitting everywhere, by the time my kids get to college every fourth flight is going to be diverted. We have to figure it out. This is going to keep happening and every time someone has one too many Bloody Mary’s and gets out of hand or a dog shits up first class the flight has to land in Poughkeepsie. And by the way, how does it work when this happens to you? You’re supposed to be in Cleveland but get diverted to Richmond, Virginia and you just call your wife and say, “Sorry honey, I won’t be home tonight. Some guy was beating off on in economy plus.”
So from now on, along with the bulked up cockpit door, every flight will have the Hannibal Lecter refrigerator dolly. It will be in plain view as you board the plane. As the stewardess is going over the safety features and smoke detectors she’ll just point out that piece of equipment. “You see that refrigerator dolly with the straps attached and the hockey mask on top of it? It’s very uncomfortable and one of you may end up riding in it if you don’t keep your shit together because we are NOT diverting this plane. We will divert your ass to that dolly, strap you in and maybe you’ll get some Fiesta Mix if we really want to torture you.”
Flashlights: I love me a good flashlight. It’s something everyone needs in every room of their home. You need one in every room because when the power goes out you’ll end up killing yourself on the stairs trying to find the flashlight in the dark.
But on to the complaint. Why do flashlights have to take 15 different types of batteries, have 15 different ways to turn them on, and have 15 different settings? Why is there so much adjustment? You know that thing where you can twist the lens and illuminate an entire mountainside or you can twist it tight the other direction and get a laser beam that will melt a hole in a piece of plate steel. Why? Shouldn’t a flashlight just have a medium setting that we all agree to?
Then there are the ones that load the batteries from the front so when you twist it thinking your making an adjustment you take the top off and drop the batteries out in the dark. Then there are the ones that take the batteries in the back but turn on by twisting the top. One takes five D cells, the other takes three C cells, another is green and is powered by good vibes. Enough already.
Wouldn’t we be living in a utopia if they were all just backloaders that took C cells, had an on/off button that was made of rubber and was red so it didn’t blend in with the black of the goddamn flashlight.
And not only that, how about a low battery light? A little amber LED that tells you you’re going to make it down the street to walk your dog but you’re not going to make it back on those batteries. Everything else has a low battery warning – your phone, your smoke detector, your old lady’s vibrator – why not your flashlight?
“Dislikes” On Internet Porn: I was sickened the other day when I went on one of those adult web sites that they have now. You click on one of the movies and you’ve got some busty nineteen year old, not a blemish on her doing unspeakable acts with two dudes. And it’s in high def and it’s FREE. You could not have described this to me when I was a teenager. My head would have exploded like when that guy looked in the Ark in the first Indiana Jones movie. But this exists now, it’s commonplace. There is a magic portal, a box of wonder, on every desktop that brings this into your home, gratis. Yet when you look down at the bottom of said video there are 623 likes and 128 dislikes. Dislikes? How can you dislike that? I want to find the guys who took the time and had the temerity to click “dislike” on the 19-year-old Swedish D cup being cornholed. Who are these animals who think “I don’t know, I’m giving this a thumbs down.” What, there wasn’t enough semen? They didn’t get a bowling pin into the mix? When did that become not enough? I want to find these guys and just slap the crap out of them, film it, and put it on the internet and see how many likes it gets.