This Week in Rage – 8/9/14
This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Yes, it’s been a couple weeks since I shit out one of these blogs. I’ve been busting my ass fighting patent trolls, editing Road Hard and the Newman doc, catching contractors, and catching flights to God-knows-where to hock Mangria and do live podcasts. But it’s all for you.
So let me take a beat to thank you all for the amazing support on all of my projects and to keep the call to arms going on the patent troll fight. Please keep clicking through the Amazon banner and contributing to the war chest. We’ve got these fuckers on the ropes, they’re trying to weasel out of it, claiming they want to drop the suit. Well they can do that any time. And they haven’t. So we’ve got to make sure we get to court and show how worthless they are, prove how invalid their patent is and make sure they know they fucked with the wrong people. We’re podcast people and we’re proud. If you come into our house and mess with us you’re going out in a body bag.
Ok, that was cathartic. On with the complaints.
Adopt a Wall: On the show and this blog I constantly point out the signs that L.A. is in the midst of the Apocalypse – barbed wire of the freeway signs, or the “End Senior Abuse” and “Know Human Trafficking” bumper stickers on all the municipal vehicles. Well, recently I was doing Catch a Contractor in beautiful – nay, breathtaking – Wilmington, California and saw the block retaining wall of the freeway above the overpass and there was a sign that read “Adopt A Wall”. Not “Adopt a Highway”, “Adopt a Wall”.
That’s how bad L.A. has gotten. We have farmed out our vertical surfaces because of the animals that roam this city tagging up any and every thing they can. As you can see it wasn’t a mural, this was just your standard brown block wall. And adding insult to injury, we don’t have enough money to protect it ourselves because our city is so corrupt and stupid. So we have to get Toyota of Tustin to do it. How fucking pathetic is that? So wherever you’re reading this, rest assured that you are living in a much better city than yours truly.
Condiment Containers: Because I’ve got the twins I’m getting everything in the jumbo size now. I go to Costco and come home with a huge vat of mayonnaise and a kiddie pool of peanut butter. And then I get into that argument with the wife when it’s down to the bottom of the container but it’s still taking up a beer keg worth of room in the fridge. “There’s still enough in there for one sandwich.” “It’s empty.” “You have to scrape the bottom of it.”
So here’s my solution/invention. I’m in love with all of my ideas, but this one especially. Why doesn’t every jumbo-sized container of mustard or BBQ sauce have a little escape pod on the side, like the dock of the International Space Station. Just a small container that holds two ounces on the side, so when you’re done with the 5 gallon bucket of Dijonaise you can scrape the remnants at the bottom into the little bladder on the side, twist it, snap it off, put a cap on it and put it back in the fridge. That way you’ve got just enough for one more sandwich and reclaimed the space in your fridge. This would be like the life rafts that they didn’t have enough of on the Titanic. Coming soon to a store near you – The Ace Carolla Condiment Dingy.
Car Door Openings: This is something that needs to change yesterday. Why is it that car doors when they open they only have two settings? It doesn’t just flap open like the door on your house, it opens to one place and stops and then it hops to the next place and stops. The first one is just enough to get a little air in and let a little fart out. It’s a crevice just wide enough that maybe DJ Qualls could crawl out of his Denali. The next place it stops is when it slams into the door of the Camry next to you in the Best Buy parking lot. That opening is wide enough for the guy from The Blind Side to step out of comfortably holding two bags of groceries. It’s either too open, or not open enough.
Hey car manufacturers, how about a nice middle ground? A Goldilocks zone where I can get out comfortably without denting the car next to me. What’s that first opening for? “Hey, I need to let my snake and ferret out of the car?” Not only that, but all the parking spots are getting smaller and all the cars are getting bigger. Plus our fat asses are getting bigger. This is a disaster. Statistics that I just made up show that this is the reason for the 92 percent increase in car door dings. All I’m saying is let’s treat our car doors like a like a vagina, you don’t want it so tight you can’t get in and out of there but you don’t want it too spacious either.