29 Jun This Week in Rage – 6/30/13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Traffic and Rich Whitey: I know I constantly rail about the traffic in L.A. and the buffoons who attempt to run this city, but here’s a new wrinkle that occurred to me about this very important issue. Politicians and people on the news always do that thing when they’re talking about a particular issue and say, “This especially impacts the children…” or “This is really bad news for the Latino community…”. Well L.A. traffic is especially bad for rich white guys. You never hear enough about how things are impacting us. I’m going to be the Al Sharpton of rich white guys and bring awareness to our cause. Think about it. If you’re making nine bucks an hour who cares if you’re late? Nothing you can be driving to is that important. Those dishes are going to get washed and that hedge is going to get trimmed. Plus you’re out under ten bucks for that time spent in gridlock. If Jimmy Kimmel is stuck in traffic for an hour that’s millions of dollars lost. Plus rich white guys drive more expensive cars that are capable of higher speeds. All of that horsepower and the money spent to purchase it is being wasted. But if you spent two hundred bucks on a something between a rusted out Vega and a donkey it’s not like it could get up above ten miles per hour anyway so who gives a shit if your stuck on the 405? It would probably be a relief, you’re driving on re-treads anyway. It’s safer for you to say at eight miles an hour. But for rich whitey it’s a tragedy.
George Zimmerman’s Lawyer: First things first, George Zimmerman is a pinstriped vest and a few donuts away from being Chaz Bono. Have a little fun with Google Image and check that out. But more importantly, lawyers are continuing to ruin our society. For years now we’ve been inundated by the disclosures on every ad. “Do not take Celexepro if you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant”. Or the ones on the car ads that say “Closed Course, Professional Driver. Do Not Attempt.” It’s the nanny-state, paranoid, cover-your-ass bullshit like the giant yellow airbag warning sticker fucking up the beautiful interior of a $70,000 luxury car. You know, the same one they put on a $14,000 Yaris. Well, finally a lawyer has been bitten by his own preamble snake and we all got to see it. The lawyer for George Zimmerman’s defense started the trial with a knock-knock joke. In case you didn’t see it, it went like this. “Knock, Knock.” “Who’s there?” “George Zimmerman.” “George Zimmerman who?” “Okay, you’re on the jury.” (Long awkward silence punctuated by perfectly timed cough.) But before he let loose with that hilarity he did a ten minute disclosure about how the jury shouldn’t hold it against his client, and how the trial is a serious matter, and how he wasn’t a professional comedian, and how the joke could cause hair and libido loss and blah blah blah. If he had just told the fucking joke he might have pulled it off. You can’t do a ten minute disclaimer before ANY joke, never mind one that shitty. George Carlin couldn’t pull that off. So no matter what side of the Trayvon Martin issue you’re on and what happens with this trial I think we can all take pleasure in seeing a lawyer screw himself with his own disclaimer.
Tropical Flavor Emergen-C: I asked my wife next time she was out to pick up some Emergen-C, you know, the powder packs that you dump into water. Well I guess I must have asked her one too many times because she got me the “fuck you, I never want to talk about this again” bulk pack. It’s like that passive aggressive thing that happens when you’re going through the drive-through and ask for a couple extra packets of ketchup and the tard behind the sliding window rolls his eyes, reaches into a trough, dumps 35 packets into his smock and then tosses them at you with a sigh. So now I have 250,000 packets of Emergen-C, which would be fine except that I have them in the ‘Tropical” flavor. What is tropical flavor anyway? Isn’t that just a cop-out? I know they just sweep up the dust from the other fruit flavors we do like, dump it into one vat and call it “tropical flavor.”
The other thing pissing me off about this is that the package needs to be clearly different when it’s a weird flavor. Every food has a bizarre variation now but they put it in a package that looks the same as the kind we like and are used to. So you want to pop open a bag of Corn Nuts but then you realize you accidentally got the “Jalapeño Back-sack” flavor. I shouldn’t have to get a fucking jeweler’s loop out to figure out what fucking flavor I got. Make the packages different you assholes. Except you, gum-makers. The spearmint and bubblegum packages look nothing alike. One is hot pink and the other is green so you’ll never screw it up. Good job, gum manufactures of America. Now get to work on a version that won’t stick to the sidewalk or my shoe when assholes spit it on the ground.
-Adam