This Week in Rage – 6/21/14
This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week
Beets: I had a revelation the other day. When I was up in Napa with Kimmel, birthday boy and Bosstone Dickie Barrett, our friend Daniel and all of our families I had a nice beet salad. Huge slabs of hearty beets. And then something dawned on me. So I called the waiter over and said, “When you serve up these gigantic chunks of beets you should give guys a little bracelet as a reminder.” For those of you who aren’t into the beet salad here’s the thing, somewhere around 10:30 that night after you eat your beets you’re going to use the commode, look back in the bowl and scream “Take me, dear lord. My colon has come out. Forget the doctor, just call the coroner.” Then a minute into your panic attack you’ll remember, “Oh, yeah. I had that huge red beet salad” and all will be right again.
That’s where the bracelet comes in. I’m not talking about anything big and shiny. Just one of those clip on things like when you go to a club and you’re over twenty one or a concert and you have priority seats. It could just be purple to remind you, or it could have a nice phrase like “I Beat Beets” or “Beet Prepared.” The waiter would just snap it on you and then you wouldn’t freak out. It might be fun too if you ran into another guy at the mall wearing one. You could give him a little “I had beets too” knowing nod or even start up a new friendship, “Did you get the goat cheese and arugula or just the strait beet salad?” If you can get one of those “I gave blood” or “I voted” stickers to prove you’re better than everyone at the office why not this? It could be the new Livestrong.
World Cup News: I cannot tell you how excited this blogger was when I got in the car the other day heard the sports guy report that Mexico and Brazil had tied 0-0. That’s huge. I’m surprised Mexico isn’t on fire and cars (well, car. Lotta poverty down there) weren’t overturned from the victory celebration. In any sport a 0-0 tie is really something to celebrate. There’s nothing more scintillating.
Please. There is no need to report that. If you’re into World Cup you know it already and if you didn’t know it you don’t give a shit. And why should you? Here’s why we don’t like soccer. It’s a bunch of foreplay. It’s sports blue-balls. In fact I think they should make the balls blue.
Let me say this World Cup fans. I’m not buying into this. There is a huge vacuum
right now. There’s no more hockey, no more football, no more basketball, and who gives a shit about baseball since every team is 41-41. You’ve hit us in the doldrums when we’ve got nothing else to watch. If this took place anywhere near the football playoffs it would be like “Where’s Brazil?” “Mexico?…Oh that reminds me I’ve got to get my lawn mowed.” Nobody cares about this crappy sport. This is basically an alcoholic who’s got nothing left in the liquor cabinet drinking Sterno and nail polish remover.
Caller ID: Here’s a little advice for the kids. Forget everything you’ve heard from counselors, parents, Deepak Chopra, whatever. Just listen to Uncle Adam. Here’s everything you need to know about life. When you call somebody and your name comes up on their caller ID what is their first thought. That’s you’re only standing in life. We all know that feeling when the phone rings and you see that name and think “Oh, crap. What does he want now? I’ll call him back. I’m not up for it.” Well, are you that guy to other people? That should be your first thought every day. Are you they guy whose calls get screened out? If everyone thought of that every day and did something to change it we’d have a perfect world.