This Week In Rage – 6/19/13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Man of Steel: I have a lot of thoughts about the new Superman movie, even though I didn’t see it. First off, all of this superhero wearing tight outfits stuff is all a little homo-erotic. Second, we’re adults, why do we watch this stuff? Third, how uncreative is that name. “What do we call him?” “Well he’s a man and he’s he can do superhuman things – Super Man?” “Great, let’s go to lunch.” Also, do we need an Iron Man and a Man of Steel? But here’s the thing that’s really pissing me off. Every time they remake these Superman movies (and how many fucking times are we going to do that, by the way?) they profile the actor that is playing him and he talks about how he had to get into the best shape of his life for the role. Why? Why does Superman need the bulging biceps and triceps and delts? You could go to Ballys or hit 24-Hour Fitness pretty hard and you still couldn’t lift a continent. Do your biceps really factor in at that point? I know Superman can’t have a gunt and ass crack hanging out of the tights when he’s trying to lift Asia, but how ripped does he need to be? It would be really funny to see him a realistic situation where a woman is like “Help me, Superman. My son is trapped under that car.” Then he strains and groans and then gives up, “Ughhhh, I threw out my back. Someone get me a cold one. I’ve got to lay down” Arnold Schwarzenegger was build like a brick shithouse in his prime but he couldn’t lift a Winnebago. A realistic superman would be normal sized and have super powers as the name implies. Other than that I have no thoughts about this movie.
The Simultaneous Knock and Open: I had my maid do this one to me the other day. 8:30 in the morning I’m sitting at the computer in my bathrobe letting gas pass with my first cup of coffee (as I do loud and proud when I’m in my own home). Then she did the simultaneous knock and enter. What is that all about? What does that accomplish? The point of knocking is to warn the person whose farting or beating off that you’re about to catch them in the act. If you do the simultaneous knock and enter you don’t give them enough time to holster their junk, only enough to look horrified as you catch them dork in hand. You’re supposed to knock and wait for a response or just barge in. But not both. Now I have the humiliation of you catching me AND the horrible moment right before that when I know it’s going to happen. It’s like if you’re going to shoot me just put a bullet in me while I sleep. Don’t wake me up and let me see the gun in my face first.
Then a couple hours later she was cleaning the bathroom and I innocently turned the corner and she did what I believe to be the best contribution by Latin women to our great nation…the screaming of “AIIIEEE!!!” How frightened can you be? It’s my home and you saw me earlier. I’d understand if you saw me pop up behind you in your bathroom on a Sunday but once you’re in MY house don’t be surprised when you see me. What am I supposed to do, phone you ten minutes before and tell you that I’m going to be entering my kitchen? And, in general, Hispanic women shouldn’t be as jumpy as they are. You come from a land where finding a duffel bag full of heads is a common occurrence. Why do you leap out of your skin when I step in to my own kitchen to freshen up my coffee?
Orlando Shaw: A lot of people tweeted me asking my thoughts about the 33-year-old guy in Tennessee who had 22 kids by 14 women and is refusing to pay child support. That’s right, another Jewish deadbeat dad. As I told my dear, dear friend Bill O’Reilly, if it were up to me, I would put a Denver Boot on this guy’s junk. He should never be able to have sex again. Maybe we need one of those collars that you put around a dog’s neck when they have stitches. Just a big cone around this guy’s dong so he could never again penetrate any of his gaggle of baby mamas. But that’s only the first step. Then I would like to parade him around the country as example of the world’s worst father and possibly world’s worst human being. Because as I’ve always said, this is the biggest problem we have in our society – unwanted kids. If we solve this problem we solve all the other problems. So we just have to start judging. We judge smokers more harshly than we judge deadbeat dads in our current society. People need to see this asshole and call him an asshole so maybe other people thinking about being assholes wouldn’t become assholes. We stopped judging people a long time ago because the idiots on the left told us everyone is the same and that we couldn’t. We need to bring back judging. So let’s start with this dick. Here’s your grade. As far as life goes, you get an F. But then again what would you expect from a guy named after a city in Florida.