This Week in Rage 6-15-14
This Week in Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
“Severe Drought, Save Water” freeway signs: I’ve done plenty of complaining in this blog and in my new book about pointless freeway signs, like “Click It or Ticket” because those who are driving a car under that sign are usually wearing their seat belt and if they aren’t, they ain’t. This sign is not going to convince someone who believes it is their right to go through their windshield on impact and that the government can’t stop them to buckle up. Now they’re alternating that useless piece of signage with the super-depressing “Severe Drought, Save Water.” What do you want me to do? Run home and collect some rain water? We live in Southern California, it’s hot, we’re in a drought, no shit. What do you want me to do about it? My faucet is off and my seat belt is on. Thank you for the redundant reminder. Stop treating me like an idiot. I almost feel like this city has disdain for the people who live in it. If you’re the type of person who thinks it’s a great idea to leave the shower running while you cook breakfast and who waters his dirt lawn every day this sign isn’t going to change your mind.
We have thousands of these electronic signs all over our freeways wasting energy conveying an unnecessary message. Why not rent them to Mountain Dew or Red Bull. Could you imagine the millions and millions of dollars in ad revenue the city could make? These things aren’t doing anything except burning kilowatts and tax dollars. Just rent them out to Pepsi and make some money you dipshits.
Airport McDonalds: I had this revelation the other day. Dig. The airport is our new school yard. Remember in junior high when for some unknown reason one kid would randomly have a McDonalds bag with them at lunch? It would be amazing. The lunchroom would be abuzz. “Oh, my god, you’ve got McDonalds? Could I have one French Fry?” For some reason it was magic that this product had made it into the school. Kids would offer to perform oral for a half a fry and a spittle of ketchup. It was a big deal that this guy had McDonalds in this place where there wasn’t a McDonalds. But then as soon as you’re outside of school the McDonalds is no big whoop. You’ll walk past the golden arches and not think twice. Well I realized that that is still happening to us as adults, just at the airport.
Once you get past security McDonalds is a big deal again. Like me you’ve probably been to the airport and seen people waiting in line 35 deep to go to McDonalds. It’s super alluring when you’re stuck in the airport. You don’t see rich white people in line at a McDonald’s outside of the airport. The McDonald’s in Encino doesn’t have a line out the door of well-to-do white folk waiting for a McNugget. It’s like cigarettes in a prison yard, and about as nutritious.
Formerly Fat People: Tom Arnold came up on the podcast the other day and I saw of picture of his now skinny ass I don’t like it. We need to get the word out to all the formerly fat people that if you’re planning on getting skinny we’re not into it. We know you as the fat guy first. No matter what your nationality is, what your job is, what your sexual proclivities are, fat trumps all. To us you’re just the FAT Asian guy, or the FAT guy in accounts payable, or the FAT gay dude.
And personally I like fat guys, because they make me feel better about myself. When you get into it with a fat guy you always win. If a cop writes you a chicken shit ticket and you look in rear-view mirror and see him waddle back to his cruiser you can think “I won.” If a guy swipes the spot you were trying to park in at the Costco and he gets out of the car and you see that he’s a lard ass there to get a pallet of Chef Boyardee you can think “I win”. Even if the guy is getting out of a Bentley in front of a salon in Beverly Hills and you’re in a Dihatsu Charade you can still think “I win.”
What former fatties forget about, especially the guys, is that you don’t go from fat to skinny in our eyes, you go from fat to weird. We don’t understand you anymore. That was your identity. We were all thrown off for a year when Jonah Hill lost all that weight. And don’t even get me started on what’s become of Al Sharpton. Al, get back in your velour track suit with the giant medallion and jog on over to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, you’re freaking us all out.