This Week in Rage – 5/25/15

This Week in Rage – A blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.


Hey kiddies,


As you know I’ve been completely slammed with press for the Newman doc and the new book, Daddy Stop Talking (OUT NOW!) Sadly the only time I’ve had to crank out one of these blogs is today – Memorial Day. So here’s an extra large portion to go with the second helping of BBQ you’re probably having today.


Summer Beer Ads: Summer is upon and I’m watching a lot of ESPN, which means a lot of summer themed beer commercials. Tons of good times on the beach. The guy has a cold one in his right hand and with his left he’s throwing a stick to his Yellow Lab. Then it cuts to later that night. There’s good looking couples sitting on the sand around a raging bonfire with light beers in their hands.


Except that every one of those things is illegal in California. If you actually have a bonfire, a dog and a brew on the beach here you’ll be pulled off the sand in zip-ties. It’s depressing. I’d love to have a blonde lab, and a blonde girl and a black friend (hey, gotta be ethnically diverse, this is an ad after all) and go down to the beach for a couple beers and a bonfire but that would make me public enemy number one in California.


I’m sure this is fine if you live in North Carolina. But it’s depressing if you live in California. They need a regional one so I’m not as bummed out. The one that airs out here should be a guy drinking a beer in his bathrobe standing in his apartment kitchen talking to his mom. That way I wouldn’t get as depressed watching the bonfire and the lab running into the ocean in slow motion.


My Plan for Less Lawyers: Speaking of over-regulation and our society being ruined, I’ve always blamed lawyers. Well, recently I was talking to a guy from England and realized that when it comes to lawyers they’re smart over there. They make their lawyers wear powdered wigs and robes. It started as tradition but now it’s working out for them. They have less of them than we do and their society is a fuck of a lot better than ours. I say we make our lawyers wear powdered wigs too. This will thin the herd. Lawyers here get to wear super cool, two thousand dollar Armani suits. We wouldn’t have so many lawsuits and regulations if they all had to dress like Lady Gaga.


Revenge Porn: I keep hearing about the rise in so-called “revenge porn”. There was the story of the guy who set up the web site for revenge porn and now he’s doing time, there was the chick who got a copy-write for the images of her tits so she could sue her ex for infringement. It’s going crazy and it’s only going to get worse. You’re young and think you’re in love (and probably drunk) so why not take the camera that everyone has in their phone nowadays, set it up on the hamper and see how we look from the back-side. Then you have a bad break-up, the video goes out on the internet and it’s there forever.


So I was thinking about it, I have a daughter and there’s lots of female fans who could use this idea. There is one way, and one way only to avoid this. It’s easy. Only date guys with small honkers.  Do not date anyone with a large penis. There’s no guy with a micro-dong who is going to film themselves and put it on the internet. Think about all the famous ones – Tommy Lee, Colin Farrell, Ray Jay – there’s no homemade sex tape that gets out on the internet where the guy has a small unit. We wouldn’t even know who Kim Kardashian is today if Ray Jay had a small dick. So that’s my tip. Make sure the tip your filming is at the end of a three incher.


Dead-Ends and Cul-De-Sacs: I knew guys growing up who lived in Van Nuys in a crappy neighborhood on a dead-end street. Later on I started hanging out with some Jewish kids who lived in the hills, in what we affectionately referred to as Hebrew Heights, who said they lived on a cul-de-sac. And what I realized is that a dead-end and a cul-de-sac are the same thing except when the neighborhood sucks it’s called a dead end, when it’s a nice neighborhood it’s called a cul-de-sac. As I say in my new book Daddy Stop Talking (again, OUT NOW!) they’re both streets that have no outlet but at the end of one is the back entrance to a golf course and at the end of the other is a couch with raccoons fucking on it.


But I’ve always wanted to add in a third and I now have it worked out. In terms of where you want your kids to go in life here it is. You start off in the dead-end and you finish at the cul-de-sac. Start in the shitty neighborhood when you’re first on your own with a bunch of flunky roommates. Then later in life when you have your own family and your shit together you’re on the cul-de-sac. But there needs to be a step in between, and that step is “Not A Through Street.”   That’s the middle. Check yourself and see where you’re at right now.


Religion On The Decline: Not to get too philosophical on you here at the end of today’s entry but there’s reports about how religiosity in America is down. Bill Maher brought it up on his show the other day. There are less people claiming to be Catholics and Christians and whatnot. You’d think that would be good news to a guy like me, an atheist. Hey, more people joining my party. Right?


Wrong. This is a disaster. Here’s why. As religion goes down, what goes up? Narcissism. What do we have more of in our country at the same time we have less religion? Dogs at Starbucks, people putting their bare feet on the tray-tables on planes, shitty music being blasted out of the iPhone speaker as people are walking for all of us to hear instead of in their earbuds. The new religion is “There is no god.  There’s only ME. Jesus is just alright, but I’M GREAT!” Do you think all the assholes we see ruining our society are born-again Christians or Hassidic Jews? No, they’re narcissistic atheists and agnostics. So for a change, I beg you, DON’T be like me. Go born again and put some on God damn shoes.