This Week in Rage – 3/22/15
This Week in Rage: A blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Fat Cops: I’m seeing a lot of fat cops out there nowadays, especially at the airport. I’m thinking that maybe they don’t need to be riding around on those Segways.
Actually, let me do a quick tangent on this because it just hit me. The airport is the only place that has a sidewalk that moves. And I see people on golf carts getting transported around the airport all the time. I’m always nearly getting knocked over by those electric golf carts with the repetitive deafening “beep beep beep.” Even wheelchairs. I think I see more people using wheelchairs at the airport. What percentage of people in the wheelchair at the airport vs. at Target actually need it? I’d bet there’s a lot more unnecessary wheelchair use at the airport by far. I think it has something to do with the fact that people are about to get onto a plane that is going to move them 3000 miles at 550 miles an hour all while seated. The plane lulls us into a state where we assume we’re going to be carried everywhere with no effort. It’s as if people walk in and think, “Once I pass through these doors I will no longer propel myself.” This is a slippery slope. What can our kids look forward to? Are my son and daughter just go to the airport and lay down and wait for someone to pick them up? They’ll just walk in, hit the counter and have this conversation – “What are you flying?” “Virgin Atlantic.” “Okay, lay down and wait for your Sherpa.” Then they’ll collapse in a heap and get carried the gate. That’s how it’s going to go. They’ll just have to wear a placard saying where they’re going, like a human luggage tag.
But back to my point… here’s the deal with the fat cops. These guys just seem to keep getting bigger. So here’s my plan. After your done with basic training, when you’ve just graduated the academy and you’re a spry 168 pound and can do 55 push-ups on your knuckles that’s when we fit you for your flak jacket. Then you can have the Krispy Kreme all you want but you don’t get new body armor if you’re too fat to fit in it. That’s you’re choice, the taxpayer won’t cover it. So think before you eat that sticky bun, that’s just going to be more of you to shoot. If you want seven inches of your gut slopping out of your bulletproof vest for Suge Knight to take a shot at then that’s your call.
Freak Out Freebie: There were a couple of stories in the news recently about people freaking out on planes. Now I’m not saying we should allow someone to rush the cockpit and take down a plane but we’ve all had moments where we go a little nuts. I’d like to work a little mercy in. When I’m in charge everyone who pays his or her taxes will get one airplane freak out. Everyone gets one spaz out. A get out of jail free card. In fact I’ll allow one DUI and one indecent exposure in the park. I’m not talking shitfaced blackout drunk driving, or showing the kids at a playground your ding-a-ling. But a little buzz or that one time you took a leak against a fence at the park and someone saw you and called the po-po should get a little forgiveness. But again, you have to be a taxpayer.
Romney vs. Holyfield Fight: I know it’s for charity and just an exhibition but this is not what we want to see. They’ll dance around a little, Holyfield will clearly be pulling his punches and going at half-speed. I’m not even sure if Romney is going to get out of the three-piece suit. This is going to be wildly unsatisfying.
Here’s a real match I’d like to see. Have Mitt Romney and Al Gore in the ring going at it hard. Not the fake Muhammad Ali vs. Nelson Mandela exhibition fight. I want to see some real haymakers being thrown. If you got Gore in there instead of Holyfield you could you could put them in the 12oz gloves and really settle some of the partisan political gridlock.
This whole thing is a waste of time. The only bright spot I can think of is that with Romney and Holyfield you’ve got the whitest and blackest guy ever together in the ring. If you’re a racist and want to root for your own there’s never been a better opportunity.