This Week in Rage – 3/1/14

This Week in Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.


Cowboy Hats: It struck me recently that cowboy hats are just like guitars in the sense that there is a perfect middle ground.  A guitar that is too small – a ukulele – gets you no ass.  And a guitar that’s too big – the mariachi bathtub sized one – gets you no latino lovin’ either.  You need that perfect “just right” Goldilocks guitar, the Jimi Hendrix sized guitar.


It’s the same with the cowboy hat.  Cowboy hats have that curl.  If it curls just right you look like Clint Black and everything’s cool. But if the cowboy hat droops down too much it means you’re the town drunk who got stuck out in the rain or you’re the loser in the posse who can’t shoot straight. Or if it has too much curl you look like a crazy miner or some guy who was in a hair band in the ‘80s trying to cover your male pattern baldness (yes, I’m talking to you Brett Michaels with the cowboy hat on top of the bandana.  Pick one, dick).


My New Coffee Table Book:  I’ve told you about my other coffee table book ideas – Bar Mitzvah ’77 – ‘83 and Dade County Black Prom ’81 – ’85.  Well I have a new coffee table book.  This is a series of shots at Hooters, or where I was this past week, Gilley’s at Treasure Island in Las Vegas.  Really, any place that has the waitresses wearing tight fitting uniforms.  This collection of photos is of servers who’ve outgrown the limits of their skimpy outfits, like the one who just had a kid and came back too soon, or the gal who had a few too many shots with the regulars at the bar. It will be full of candid shots of the waitresses handing out the buffalo wings with just a little too much belly hanging over the short shorts. I call it I Need To See You In My Office.


Milk: This week they finally retired the “Got Milk?” ad campaign.  I’m happy about it.  I had to move on when they put the milk mustache on Patrick Ewing and Dennis Rodman.  It got too homoerotic. It looked like a fireman calendar.  They were shirtless with white stuff all over their face.   When a guy has a milk mustache on his regular mustache that is weird to me.


But on to a larger point.  It’s 2014 and we’re still arguing about milk. Everyone’s drinking soy milk, and almond milk and hemp milk.  And you have those idiots who say, “We’re the only animal that drinks another animal’s milk” and “We’re the only mammal that drinks milk into adulthood”.  Here’s what I have to say to all those mammalian assholes.  I don’t see any manatees inventing the iPhone.  Maybe they would if they started drinking some other mammals’ milk into adulthood.  I’m going to park the Space Shuttle on the Golden Gate Bridge and say, “Hey, bitches, any other mammals come up with this shit?  No?  Then shut the fuck up and drink some milk.”