This Week in Rage 3-22-14
Things have been a little nuts lately. Didn’t get you Week in Rage blog for last week. I was too focused on my thirty jobs including Catch a Contractor (thanks for all the kind tweets), pre-production on Road Hard (thanks for all the support) and prep for the big legal defense fund event in Redondo Beach to raise money to fight those patent troll assholes. (Hit the link below for tickets and more info or the banner at the top of the page to donate to the fight.)
Anyway, here’s the top three things that pissed me off this week.
Farmer’s Markets: Everyone talks about the farmer’s market like it’s so glorious. They close the street off on a weekend. Some mom and pop are growing this stuff organic to sell it to you. Fuck that. It sucks, it’s just for people who love the IDEA of a farmer’s market. To me it’s just a lost Saturday. It’s not like I ever go to the produce section of the grocery store and say “this just won’t do.” You waste a whole Saturday there, get up early, and come home with a bag a shit that grew in the dirt just like you would if you hit the Safeway up the street. And there is no way you’re getting out of there without talking to a lesbian about nut-based cheese. She’s going to try to convince you it tastes the same as aged provolone, you’re going to take a sample, wince and then have to put on the face like you don’t want to spit it out. She’s going to ask how much she can put you down for and you’re going to lie about hitting her on the way back. “We’re going to make the circuit but we’ll buy a metric ton on the way back.” Then when you get to the end it’s panic time with the wife. “I think about two meters back I saw a sewer grate. We’ll just pop that baby open and escape Shawshank Redemption style and avoid the lesbian selling nut-cheese from her green Subaru Forrester.”
Squirrels: I was looking out my window on Sunday with my daughter and we were looking at a squirrel. It was real cute because it was doing that move where it was sitting on it’s butt. We humans like any animal that sits on their butt in a cute way. That’s why we love pandas. As I detailed in my first book pandas suck. They hate us. They won’t fuck and keep the species going and I think it’s passive aggressive. But we love them because they sit on their ass with their feet up like we do when we’re drunk on the floor.
So Natalia and I thought we’d go outside and check out the squirrel. Well as soon as we opened the door the thing took off.
What’s up with squirrels? Why are they so scared of us? What did we ever do to them? When was the last time you chased after a squirrel and tried to climb a tree trying to steal its acorn? It’s not like I live off squirrel. Other than avid squirrel hunter Karl Malone why should they be scared of us? It makes me feel weird and guilty. Were they looking through the window when I was having at myself in the shower? What do they know about me? What dark secret can the squirrel see behind my eyes? Someone needs to have a discussion with the squirrels, “Hey, Rocky, chill the fuck out.” Let me address this last part to the squirrels reading this. I’m done with you. I hope you get electrocuted on that power pole. Maybe I’ll stop swerving to avoid you.
One RollerBlade Guy: I’ve given you some of these entries into my pantheon of pathetic before but I’ve added a new, strong contender. First was the guy in the wheelchair pushing himself backward with his feet through the intersection. Pretty bad. But then I saw the fat guy-riding bike built for two alone. He wore the crappy life crown for a while. On the podcast last week Eric Stonestreet mentioned blind guy with broken flaccid cane. Really sad. But my latest one could top them all. Recently I saw a guy propelling himself on a single rollerblade. One foot had the rollerblade the other was rocking a flip-flop. Not sure if he lost his other shoe or his other rollerblade. But he was pushing himself like a skateboard and pushing himself to the top of the loser leaderboard.