This Week in Rage – 2/9/14
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Detroit Billboards: I just got back from scenic Detroit where I did a live stand-up gig. (Thanks to all the folk that came out, by the way.) On the way into the city from the airport I passed a lot of billboards. You can tell a lot about the town you’re in by the billboards. If you see billboards for high-end jewelry and leather purses you’re in good shape. Well, all the billboards in Detroit were the same. They all featured fat guys in suits pointing and saying “I’ll fight for you. I’m Attorney John L. Jenkins.” It was all messages like “Sexually harassed in the workplace? Slip and fall? Dog Bite? I’ll fight for you!” Basically the message repeated on all the billboards into Motor City was “don’t get off the sofa, I’m gonna get you some cash.” That’s never a good sign. But then I realized as I was making fun of Detroit for all their billboards that I live in L.A. and the other day I passed something even worse. What could be worse you ask? Drive through Inglewood and see all the billboards (usually tagged up) that say “Dentist John L. Jenkins. I’ll replace any tooth – $29!” That’s worse than “I’ll fight for you.”
I used to be poor so I get it. There are times when you need to pinch a penny. But not when it comes to your mouth. Lose the cable, switch to the domestic beer and Top Ramen but spend a little extra when it comes to tooth replacement. I like to splurge in my own mouth. God, that sounds homoerotic. Moving on.
Deporting Justin Beiber: There’s a lot of talk about deporting the Beebs. He’s getting into too much trouble with the weed and drag racing in his rented Lamborghini. Let me defend him, and not just because I’m a fan. That’s right the Ace Man is a Belieber. No, I say we don’t deport him because he’s an earner. He comes down from Canada, sets up shop in Calabasas, and probably drops 20 million in tax revenue. He’s what we call a whale. If this were a Vegas casino we wouldn’t be kicking him out, we’d be comping him a suite so he’d stay and keep giving us his cash. Let’s deport the deadbeat dads and welfare moms and the losers I went to high school with who are on the dole, working under the table and not paying any taxes. Beiber dropped 75K at one strip club the other night. He was making it rain Canadian style. (If a Canadian makes it rain shouldn’t it be “making it snow”?) The point is if he wants to make it rain a few eggs on his neighbor’s house so be it.
The “Kiss-cam” at Stadiums: After my gig in Detroit I headed to Chicago and at our live podcast (again, thanks to all the guys and gals that came out to Park West) we had not one, but two, marriage proposals during the question and answer segment. That got me thinking about the “Kiss-cam” that they have at Dodger Stadium or the Lakers game. It’s mildly amusing to see the couple give each other a smooch on the Jumbotron.
But how about this for a plan? Instead of the tired old “Kiss-cam” where we get to see you give your wife of 27 years a forced and tepid peck, let’s go with the “Divorce-Cam”. How much more compelling would that be? The camera goes on the couple and one of them drops the D bomb. Obviously one party will have had to arrange this with the ballpark but the other will be completely taken by surprise. Then we can pan over to the kids who are crying and confused and divorce attorney John L. Jenkins is behind them with papers to sign. Statistically half the people in the stadium are going to get divorced anyway, why not give us some in-between inning entertainment out of it? I’d never miss a Dodger home game if they did this. And it would keep guys on the straight and narrow because the wife would be like “Hey, the Giants are in town, you want to go to the game?” “Yeah, sure but not until after I’m done giving you a backrub and buying you flowers, sweetie.”