Episodes

This Week in Rage – 2/22/14

This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:

 

Derek Jeter Retiring: When Derek Jeter did his press conference and announced he was retiring he gave an answer that should have prompted the press to get up and attack him like crazed Eskimos on a harp seal.  He said it was time to retire “when it starts to feel like a job.”  Oh, getting nineteen million dollars to work five months out of the year, that’s a job?  Job!?  You in a windbreaker throwing a ball around felt like a job?  Tossing a baseball around is what people who have real jobs work their ass off to do on the weekend to relax.  Oh, my heart goes out to you.  I’m going to walk around town and shout up to every guy who’s working on a roof, “Hey, is this starting to feel like a job?!  Then stay home.  What are you getting, like 40 million to do that roof?  Can’t be less than 19 million…What? 11 bucks an hour?!”  Everyone is working a job that feels like a job except you, Derek.  So shut your mouth and get paid.  What does he think we’re all doing, receiving oral in a bouncy castle while he goes out to “work”?

 

Buffer songs: We’ve got to get our playlists straightened out.  The whole Songza playlist for waking up with energy on a Sunday morning, throwing a summer BBQ, etc has one fatal flaw.  I was out playing ball with the kids in the backyard and enjoying myself …momentarily (As you know the second I begin to feel joy, cosmic wheels start turning to fuck it up.)  I went back in the kitchen where Lynette was listening to “Penny Lane” by the Beatles.  I said to her, “I love this song.  Do that thing where you get it out on the speakers in the back yard.”  So as I walked down the hall toward the back yard she hit a couple of buttons and as I stepped out I heard the last seven seconds of Penny Lane and it went right into John Cougar Mellencamp’s “Hurts So Good”. I turned around and marched back in told Lynette to change that piece of crap.

Who likes both of those songs?  I don’t know one person that is a big fan of both of those tunes. What kind of maniac is putting this list together?  It’s musical whiplash.  You’re going from one of the best songs ever written to one of the worst ever recorded without some sort of buffer song. (By the way, for those of you reading this over at Songza, that buffer song is “Main Street” by Bob Seeger.)  Because if you’re putting together this playlist and feel some Satanic urge to put “Hurts So Good” on there to make my ears hurt so bad then at the very least we need something in between so it’s not like getting shoved out of a Jacuzzi into a snowbank.

 

Molly’s Emotional Flexibility:  I like the emotional flexibility of my dog Molly.  I opened the door about 9:30 p.m. earlier this week and she ran out on the front lawn and started barking up a tree.  There was something rustling up there.  She was going crazy, sniffing and barking and barking and sniffing.  I thought there must be a raccoon up there but it was dark and I couldn’t tell what critter was making a ruckus.  But at a certain point when Molly was going nuts she just stopped, walked about eight feet over and took a dump.  Then she just meandered back in the house. I wish I could approach life that casually. It would be great to be wired this way.  To go from completely agitated about the goblin up in the tree to relaxed enough to move your bowels. This would be like me popping up in bed with Lynette one night and saying, “Honey, I think I heard the window in the kitchen break, there might be someone in the house with a machete.  I’m gonna go take a crap and a crawl back in bed.”

 

-ace

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