This Week in Rage – 2/15/14
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Deodorant Commercials: I was watching TV the other day and I had a revelation. Every single deodorant commercial is the same. It’s always about the good-looking young woman in the pantsuit who’s nervous for the big presentation. She goes into the architectural firm and stands at the end of the big mahogany table full of old white guys making her presentation which requires her to life her arms a lot for some reason. But her deodorant is holding up! At some point the guy with the salt-and-pepper hair starts nodding his head and we can tell she’s having a great day. It’s always the a big day in deodorant commercials – big presentation, meeting the parents for the first time, proposing to the girlfriend. And on that big day everything always goes well. I’d like to see one deodorant commercial where the chick goes in for the big presentation and everyone is shaking their head holding their nose, one guy vomits into a trashcan. She makes an off-the-cuff racial remark and we see an angry black woman with her arms folded shaking her head like, “oh, no you didn’t.” That’s how you know a deodorant is working, when it isn’t going well. The antiperspirant needs to kick in when you’ve got something to sweat about.
The Luge and the Boblsed: I was watching the luge the other night at the Winter Olympics. I’ve told you my feelings about the four-man bobsled before. The guy in the front is doing the steering, the guy in the rear is the brake man, but the two guys in the middle are just ballast. They don’t do anything except push as hard as they can for twenty feet and then attempt to suck their own dicks. If you’re one of the guys in the middle it’s just push, push, push, suck suck suck, then pop your head up and say, “Did we beat the Canadians? Stu, you’ve got something on your mouth.”
But with the luge, you push as fast as you can and then you plank out like a dead man. It’s the same course the bobsled guys are running. They put their heads between their legs, the luge guys are laid out as flat as they can possibly be. I challenge you to find me a sport where you do the exact same thing except in different positions. It’s not this way in golf or tennis. There’s no other time when you perform the same feat, just with one you are pretending to be a picnic table and the other you’re 69ing yourself. I’d like to see the intermediate position where they guy is just semi-reclined comfortably. The La-Z-Boy position, maybe even holding a cold one.
Shower Head Height: Can we please raise the shower heads in hotel rooms? This is going to be a new piece of building code in my administration. (For other new codes and regulations I’ll enact pre-order President Me through the Amazon link on this page.) That code was put into place in 1931 when the average male was 5’7”. Fourteen year olds are walking around at 6’7’. Kimmel’s kid is 6”9’. What would the harm be in raising it four inches? This isn’t just old hotels that haven’t been updated, this goes for new ones that are just built. If you’re my height you have to wash your hair in the sink before the shower and then wash everything from the areolas down when you get in the shower. Raise it five inches and see what happens. Will there be riots? Again, what’s the harm? Say you were 5”1’, how would it affect you? Would you get in the shower and go “it’s taking FOREVER for this water to get to my scalp!”