This Week in Rage – 11/23/13
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
Car Insurance Commercials: I’ve been watching TV and keep seeing ads for car insurance. I realized you can only get in an accident if you’re having a good time. It only happens if you are having fun with friends, particularly friends of a different race, in the back seat. I don’t mean drunk, just if there are other people in the car and you’re jovial and laughing. Any time you see that in a commercial the next thing you know, boom, they get T-boned by a Ford F-150. I realized I’ve never seen a commercial where someone gets in an wreck if they’re just going eyes forward, hands on the wheel with a stern look on their face. When I drive I look miserable and I’ve never gotten in an accident. I think it’s because if I do it’s a lateral move. I was already pissed. So that’s my tip. Drive angry. Hands on the wheel at ten and two and wear a look like Andy Rooney on a bad day and you’ll never get into an accident.
Sleeping At The Airport: I’ve been complaining for a while about service dogs and bare feet and how casual we’ve gotten on planes and at the airport. Now I look around and think, when did the airport become Sodom and Gomorrah? Whenever there’s a delay we all become cats and the airport is our living room. People started sleeping at the airport. Back in the day the guy would just tip his trucker hat over his eyes and lean back a little. Now the airport is a tent city with people using hoodies for pillows, draped across three chairs or laid out on the floor. I’m not talking about leaned back, I’m talking sprawled out. Shoes off, eyes closed, sweatpants on, boner up. I don’t know if there’s any other public space where you’d be so comfortable letting people watch you sleep. When my wife drags me to Target and I’ve got a half hour to kill I don’t curl up in the house-wares section. Could you imagine doing this at Sears? Honey you shop, I’m going to bivouac in the husky section. I think I went to the airport bathroom once and saw a guy camped out on one of those Koala changing tables.
And the plane you’re about to get on is a flying sleep machine. There is nothing you can do in that confined space other than sleep. If you want to lean back with your eyes closed that is the perfect venue. Collapsed like a rag doll in front of the bathroom so I have to step over you take a piss is not a good plan.
Plus the airport has 100 bars in it. There’s no better place to kill time. There’s a TV showing the game, there’s beers on tap. Go in there you maniacs.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: It’s easy just to pile on when you see this guy with his addict antics – the boozing, whoring and crack. But he’s going to die soon enough and we’ll all feel bad for all the jokes. So I’m going to take this chance to look at the bright side. This is a great chance for Mexico to kick back and enjoy another country fucking up. Mexico should really be relishing this. All the stories out of Mexico are heads in a duffel bag, politicians getting assassinated by a drug cartel, some kid who went on a vacation and was never seen again or, the best case scenario, your friend who visited and got diarrhea. That’s the best possible story to come out of Mexico.
Canada is like the goody-two shoes younger brother who was always on the honor roll which makes Mexico the older brother who’s always in Juvi that they don’t like to talk about during Thanksgiving. Well Mexico, your younger brother just got caught with a backpack full of molly and weed, so sit back and cherish it. Put down the machetes and enjoy Canada fucking up.