This Week in Rage – 1/12/14
This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:
What Dogs Are Scared Of: The other day I was heading up my driveway and my dog Molly was sprawled out on the pavement, as she’s prone to do. So I honked my horn and she looked up, like “What do you want from me?” She wasn’t going anywhere. She just stared like I was going to pull a Fred Flintstone, put my feet through the floorboard of the car, pick it up and walk over her to the other side of the driveway. I honked again and she eventually meandered out of the way… slowly. And when I say slowly I mean slower than a black pedestrian. A minute later stood up turned around and got back in front of the car again and I realized she’s not scared of the car at all. This is 6000 pounds of German engineering that could crush you and not suffer any damage a good wash and wax couldn’t take care of. Why are dogs not scared of things that will kill them yet petrified of things that won’t? If you want my dog to go scurrying out of the room at jackrabbit speed fire up a vacuum cleaner. This is the height of stupidity. One is made of plastic and will do nothing to you and one is made of steel and will eviscerate you. Not to give any tips to the criminals reading this but if you want to rob a house with guard dogs just bring a Dustbuster. That’s all you need. You could be standing on a lawn with ten Rottweilers bearing down on you, whip out a dustbuster and be fine. Or a hairdryer. Molly is petrified of that too. But my Audi not so much.
Horse Shit: Speaking of Molly, I was walking on a trail with her the other day and as I bent over to pick up her poo I stepped in a pile of horse shit. I realized the only crap we’re not required to pick up is the horse dook. How come it’s no problemo if you let a metric ton of horse dung go on a trail but if I let my chihuaha take a dump you’ll give me the stink eye if I don’t pick it up? Horse owners should be required to scoop that up. It’s the biggest off all shits, outside of a zoo or safari scenario. Not a lot of bull elephants and hippos in my neighborhood.
Plus horse owners get to ride their pets. I’m walking the dog, I’m already working hard enough. If I could ride her – haven’t been able to since I cut back on the drinking and her hip went bad – it’d be a different story.
What’s wrong with the sack they put on horses like when they do with the carriage rides in Central Park? The horses don’t care. No animal is more used to having stuff strapped to them than a horse. I don’t think this is too much to ask. Los Angeles is one big law – how about one that says horses have to strap on the shit bag?
Pepper Mill Etiquette: This stance is a little controversial. I was out to dinner with my wife and I was explaining that statistically I’m likely to die 10 years before her and that she should probably start saving some of my money so she and her trophy husband can spend it when I’m gone. And at that very moment the waiter came by, dropped off the salads and asked if we’d like some fresh ground pepper from the pepper mill. And we both said yes, we would. And he said, like most waiters do, “Well, ladies first.” And he leaned over toward my wife with the pepper mill and I said, “Hold on. We were just discussing how I’m going to die ten years earlier. Maybe I should get the pepper first.” I understand when the Titanic is going down the whole “women and children first” thing because the women are going to live longer. But when it comes to the pepper mill, the men are going to die first. So let us enjoy our salad longer. I know it’s only about ten seconds but over the course of a lifetime it could add up to just over a minute.