Episodes

This Week in Rage – 11/21/14

This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.

Let me preface this week’s blog by saying I am in love with these ideas. I’m not just liking them, I’m dry humping them right now. These ideas make me tumescent. I’m not just presenting complaints this week, I’m presenting solutions. First…

Cab Drivers and Valets: I was in Las Vegas this past weekend for Jimmy Kimmel’s birthday festivities. I landed at the airport with the wife, hustled out to the cabstand and ended up with the world’s fattest driver in the world’s shittiest Scion. If that weren’t bad enough this dick had his seat in almost full recline.

Vegas Reclined Cab Driver

He looked like that city worker you see taking a nap in his municipal vehicle in a supermarket parking lot. I said to this guy three times “please, lean your seat up”. He was a Croatian guy so in broken English he said something like “Yes, is good. You like.” Then did nothing.

If you’re a cab driver please do not do this. And if you’re a cab company put a pin in the seat so it cannot fully recline and cut off the blood to everything below and including my balls. This will solve a lot of problems – reclining into your customers laps, your drivers taking naps on the job, your drivers receiving oral as payment. But that’s not the solution. That came to me when I returned home.

When we landed back in Burbank we got the car. I had done the valet thing when I left so when the valet returned the car to me he had adjusted the seat. And he was a midget. So when I got in my own car I had my knees in my nostrils because the seat was pressed up against the steering wheel.

Then I had an epiphany. These guys should swap places. All they do is jump in and out of cars and take tips. So let’s do the old switcheroo. Make all the tiny valets into cab drivers and all the fatso cabbies into valets so we all get plenty of knee room when we…kneed it. (Good stuff, Ace.)

What to do about ISIS: There’s a lot of debate about ISIS. Nobody wants boots on the ground but we can’t let those maniacs run free. If we don’t go over there it will come to our shores. But why do we have to be the world’s police? They’re beheading aid workers and cameramen. They must be stopped. But it will lead to another war we can’t win…

So I was watching a holocaust documentary and came up with the solution. I thought, “Damn, those Germans really got away with a lot.” And it occurred to me – Germany should have to take care of ISIS. They still have a tab from WWII. With the atrocities that they committed they got off too light. Shortly after Hitler put a bullet in his brain we started rebuilding and they started selling us BMWs and Audis. I think it’s time to call in that debt. They’re smart, they have a good military, they have a good economy so they’re well funded, they don’t have to cross an ocean to get there. Let the Krauts clean it up.

In fact we’ll go down the list. Italy, you’re next. You were just as much a part of that. I’m looking at you too, Japan. Guess who has to settle up that bar tab? Us, England, and Canada are going to sip some lemonade and kick our feet up. Germany, Japan and Italy – grab your boots and pack those duffel bags it’s time to pay the fucking fiddler.

Beheadings: Speaking of ISIS and beheading. And it’s always sad because it’s good-hearted people – Aid workers helping refugees from a civil war or journalists just trying capture the horror and let the world know. But there’s a lot of people over here that I’d like to see beheaded instead.

Why not send them some of the people we’d like to never see again? You might have heard the news story that Charles Manson got a marriage license while in the joint. Why are we still dealing with this asshole? Let’s send him over to ISIS. Here you go Muhammad, have at it. Let’s see that forehead swastika hit the sand.

Let’s get a group of these people together, toss them in a shipping container and drop it in the desert. We’ll send them Manson, Joran Van Der Sloot, Bernie Madoff, and couple of our other least favorite blue eyed devils. They’ll have fun beheading them, maybe get it out of their system, we’ll take out the trash and it will serve as nice reminder to mind your Ps and Qs when you’re stateside.

Maybe we could even send them that DJ with the giant mouse head. I hate that music and that would make a pretty cool beheading video. Just a thought.

-Adam

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