Episodes

This Week in Rage – 10/25/14

This Week In Rage – a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week.

 

Pre-flight Poop Announcement: Last week I flew on the one flight from Los Angeles to San Antonio that Southwest offers. It was one hundred percent full. And I was in the back. From the time we hit cruising altitude to the time we began our descent there was a constant line of people next to me in the aisle waiting to do a little offloading in the commode. It was non-stop. There was a line of people waiting to piss and crap for the entire three-hour flight.

 

How about this as a policy? At the airport there are nothing but announcements about loading zones, and no smoking and gate changes. How about a simple PA announcement that says “We have a one hundred percent full flight today. Please use the airport restrooms before boarding.” Would that be so hard? Any flight that is over an hour and twenty minutes and is over 85 % full should have this announcement before boarding. Wouldn’t you rather be doing your shitting on terra firma? I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t prefer to be sit on a cool porcelain magic eye sensor toilet instead of bouncing around on their kiester at 30,000 feet with a line of people waiting for them to finish and then being able to ID them as the one who created the god-awful smell in that little crap closet. This would be a public service to both the people who plan on taking a crap and those who are not.

 

But until we get this going please use your brain and your ass. After you’ve downed a couple Miller Lites at the airport Chili’s, head to the head before boarding and make all of our lives better.

 

Travel Vouchers: On that same trip they made an announcement before the flight saying it was overbooked and anyone that was willing to give up their seat and fly the next day would get a voucher good towards their next flight. And three people got up and sprinted to the counter. I always want to talk to those losers. I don’t know if it’s because they’re super poor or super casual. What’s the thought process? “Well, mom’s in San Antonio on life support but I can fly for free if I just take a 22 hour nap here at the Cinnabon… I’m in.”

 

When they do this on Southwest it’s even worse because that’s already a collection of some of the cheapest fucks on the planet. Throw in a voucher and here’s a stampede to get to the counter. It’s a freebie feeding frenzy. It’s not like you’re going to get a BJ from a Victoria’s Secret model you’re gettiung a voucher for Fuddruckers. Settle.

 

And again, this was the only flight to San Antonio that day. So this person would not be able to get there for at least 24 hours. I have never had travel plans that flexible. There’s a part of me that is jealous. I wish I could say, “eh, I’ll go tomorrow. I’ll just head home and watch some Price is Right.” That’s how you know these people are losers. Nowhere to go and nothing to do.

 

Shit Related Phrases: I was thinking about the phrase “Shit Eating Grin” the other day. It doesn’t make sense. In fact, no shit related phrases make sense when you really think about them. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen anyone who’s eaten poo but the last thing they’re doing is grinning. (Except those two girls with the one cup.)

 

Then there’s the one about office romances and affairs, “Don’t Shit Where You Eat.” Yes you do. You go home, you have dinner and then you go to your bathroom and take a dump. What are you supposed to go to the neighbors apartment to take a shit?

 

Let’s not forget “Shit Rolls Downhill”. Anyone who’s ever been camping knows that shit doesn’t roll, it’s gathers twigs, acorns and leaves. You’d have to kick it downhill.

 

And finally there’s “Don’t Bullshit a Bullshitter.” Aren’t you just including yourself in the group of liars that you’re accusing the other guy of being? I’m just saying when it comes to shit phrases we need to get our shit together.

 

-adam

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