Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 07/22/2014 – Bret Ernst, Live at the Gaslamp in Long Beach
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Bret Ernst, Live at the Gaslamp in Long Beach
Recorded 07-19-2014 – Release Date 07-22-2014
Production Number #1372
Adam is opening show #2 to some mic issues, BB has a nice “Holla” #TopDrop and Adam is explaining his connection to Bret Ernst their guest, he explains that Mike Lynch is working with Bret on his book.
Adam explains that comedians are terrible when it comes to working schedules and keeping up with deadlines, Adam explains that Lynch told him that Bret had a similarly awful childhood and Bret jokes about their eyebrows having something in common.
Adam says that if he was violently raped by Joaquin Phoenix their love child would look like Bret, Adam has a killer “pre-lubed” pretend to fight riff.
Adam is now asking Bret about his childhood, he tells them about his dad taking his own life, stealing a car in Jr. High and the 15 schools he attended.
Adam says that the people on earth with the most jobs have the least money, it’s like he’s talking about me.
Adam says that much like that the guys who go to the most schools are not the best students, Bret is telling them about robbing a “book fair” and explains how he did it and then bragged about doing it afterwards, nice “Super Fudge” and “Goosebumps” references from Bret.
Adam is telling them about the book mobile and jokes about repeating stories, Alison mocks him for it despite often not remembering many of his stories he’s told to her before.
Adam is explaining how they discovered the extension cord hooked up to the book mobile and pulled the plug, him and his pals big fuck you to literacy.
Alison is now asking about the book mobile as she’s not familiar and Adam jokes about it being the world’s shittiest food truck.
Adam has a “CosBroPolitan” and tells the person to drop the drink off and get the fuck out of there.
What Can’t Adam Complain About
1st Topic from Aaron and now Adam is lamenting the chick and dude names, the different spellings, and he’s disappointed it’s a dude with two A’s at the beginning of his name, hogging all of the vowels.
Adam is joking about starving kids in Africa having not enough A’s and BB reads that Aaron doesn’t think Adam can complain about an open bar at a wedding.
Adam explains that the booze inspires dancing from those who probably shouldn’t, he’s breaking down the horrific scene of man tit sweat and inappropriate sexual comments from the bride’s father.
“Now we’re just picturing her getting fucked in a time machine” – Adam on oversharing about how a woman used to be sexy “in her day” and now Adam is riffing about the paprika of shit on his deviled egg.
Bret says the other shitty part is paying for an open bar, he’s recently married and the wedding cost him a ton it seems, he says it’s a scam and brings up “save the date” cards that cost 800$.
Adam is telling the Erin with the E in the audience to listen and he’s bringing up the women who gossip about the cost of each other’s wedding and the notion of a wedding video.
Adam says you only watch a wedding video when you’re divorced and have a shotgun in your mouth, or if your wife was kidnapped and dismembered.
BB has a great point about the disparity in the joy and love when first watching the wedding video vs. watching it again later in life.
Adam is telling them about Jimmy Kimmel ordering Fat “Big” Tad to jump nude into his pool during his wedding along with ordering the DJ to play “Maneater” to stress Adam out.
Bret is now riffing bits about wedding and Adam is bringing up the two ceremony weddings where both religions are represented.
2nd Topic from Mariah, from FresNOOOOOOOO! Adam does the scream and she wants to know how Adam can complain about his kids doing podcasting.
Adam is bringing up how Sonny has found out that his ringtone has made 8k in sales, Alison cites the “Coogan Law” for child performers and now Adam is referencing “Goodfellas” and jokes about his son being like the guy who was asking for his cut, the fur coat dude involved with the Lufthansa heist “Little Jimmy” references abound from both Adam and Bret.
Adam is now referencing the sitcom Blossom and Joey Lawrence’s “Whoa!” and how Natalia doesn’t have a catchphrase and how one can’t force it.
Adam says now his kids think podcasting is a viable profession and Bret jokes about having them come visit his apartment for a scared straight program about podcasting as a profession.
3rd Topic from Steven Decosta, he wants Adam to complain about Datsun/Nissan and he’s explaining his racing and love for the Datsun stuff.
Adam says that every single Datsun race car color scheme is red white and blue, Adam is citing all of the examples and what ass kissers the Japanese are for painting the cars these colors.
Adam is further riffing about this and how it became a form of subliminal message that buying Japanese was also a patriotic move.
Adam wants to know what the odds would be for 3 racing teams to pick the same color schemes by accident and he’s now praising the Japanese and joking about them doing push-ups over homework.
Adam is now commenting on a photo of a Bob Sharp BRE car and tells the audience why the cars are 33, he explains the clever thinking.
Adam is now commenting on more photos and Alison actually deems it interesting.
4th Topic from Tracy and Loraine, how can Adam complain about a free blowjob from a stranger he never has to see again, Adam interrupts to comment on the 3rd photo example.
Adam says no BJ’s are free because he always tips and jokes about forcing his male drivers to blow him.
Adam is bringing up the STD and semen remnant risk factor, Adam explains you want BJ’s from someone who doesn’t hand out BJ’s, that’s the goal.
Alison has a callback to Adam’s toothless hippie homeless cocksucker example, Adam is now bringing up how the social media angle could hurt him with his “medium/small” cock.
BB tells Adam that they’ve exhausted their resources of topics.
5th Topic from Alison Rosen, she wants to know if Adam can complain about Roundabouts and Adam says it doesn’t work in the states, it works in Europe.
Adam is bringing up his points about “dead end” vs. “Cul-De-Sac” and how they mean the same things, Adam is riffing about dead ends with Bret and jokes about how you just might be able to get to the other street on the other side of a dead end.
Adam is now trying to figure out the differences between the two and Bret is asking if people play street football up in the hills, Adam says no, you can’t.
Adam is telling Bret about how he used to live in a house in the hills, Jimmy moved to a house in the hills too apparently.
Adam is bringing up how steep the streets are and how he would like to regulate them as being too steep to live on, he wants an intervention from the city, the streets need to be graded so a car door stays open when ajar and doesn’t slam back on the driver or passenger.
Adam says he needs a 3rd opening for a car door and has a killer ‘DJ Qualls” reference about trying to get in and out of close proximity parking, Adam is asking for a 3rd notch for the car door to stop on.
BB is further asking him about the different door opening/locking points and Adam is now telling Bret not to have kids and is going through all of the cost to have the kids and how then once you have them you can’t wait to get some time apart.
Adam is joking about BB having some of his jizz frozen and putting a decorative toothpick in it, Adam is joking about jacking off to Christy Canyon while his kids were essentially conceived, someone other than mama.
Adam is joking about not having to have this conversation with his kids, Adam is back to the car openers and now back to the kids, he’s finishing his point “thank Christ they’re gone this weekend” and jokes you don’t feel that way about a pony or a Ferrari, you’re happy it’s there all the time.
“I could be home fucking my wife instead I’m here fucking you on stage” – Adam to the audience in reply to Alison’s observation about him not being home with his wife for romance while the kids are away.
Adam is now joking about the mess of kids and wrapping up the segment.
Adam is asking Bret about how far they are into his book and if there are any stories he doesn’t want his wife to know about, Bret says he’s avoiding some of it and Alison baits him saying we want to know.
Bret is telling them about double teaming a girl while his buddy robbed the apartment.
Bret tells them about his buddy “3 Christmases” and BB jokes about that being his nickname as well, Adam is bringing up the differences between men and women when it comes to nicknames.
Adam is now bringing up women and shoes to make an analogy about how women react to even what seem to be compliments, Adam wants to know why women read into everything and asks why that needs to be done.
Adam says men are like a Pita bread, not a pastry crust, we mean what we say, we don’t try to infer hidden meaning and he references a recent conversation with Lynette regarding tone.
1st Story Is on the discovery of the lost Deacon Jones super bowl ring, Adam has a killer joke about inside of a woman’s ear being the location.
Adam is further joking about the idea of it being found in a J.C. Penny location and Alison says she does know of an actual physical location.
Adam is now giving married guys a good tip regarding rings, he tells them to find an activity that involves them removing their ring for recreation.
Alison shares that rampant cheaters never take off their ring, Adam jokes about the Man Show invention with the flesh tone half colored ring.
Bret is asking BB about being hit on once he was married, Adam is saying that he never gets hit on in real time and only finds out years later.
Alison asks if Adam is not picking up on the signs and he blames his “no self-esteem” and brings up how after he got married and he was told by so many women how they had crushes on him and he could’ve been jacking off to them already.
Adam brings up the female cringe upon recalling past relationships they don’t care to think about and how men beat off to the memories, guys are like “Oh Yeahhh, yeah” and now Alison is asking them about beating off to memories.
Adam is joking about pulling up to the house in a Tesla, with The Rock Dwayne Johnson’s lower torso and Ron Jeremy’s penis, he modifies a lot, and the Tesla hasn’t even been invented yet.
Bret asks them about getting caught beating off, he tells them about the horrific scene his wife witnessed and Adam comments on being caught in the dark.
Adam brings up the picture of his kids laughing on his screensaver and how that impacts his beating off to things on his computer.
I think Adam means his background, Adam is now comparing his being caught half jacking off to that of someone being caught as a wheelman outside of a bank.
Adam is telling women about their dark further where men don’t even bother to think of them for spank bank material, just using the computer porn instead.
Adam is now joking about a Breathalyzer on a computer, for use before you enter the internet, to beat off or compose a tweet.
Alison is asking them about jacking off to internet porn after transitioning from magazines, Adam is telling Alison about the first moving porn he ever saw being on Ray Oldhafer’s older brother’s 8mm stag film.
Adam is now explaining how you had to set up a projector and how much work was involved for you to beat off in your own home to this movie.
Adam is explaining how his grandparents were out of town and Ray brought the projector over, so they had to use the white chest of drawers as none of the walls were white.
Adam slid out a drawer mid show and joked “3D” and tells them about being left with the movie but not the projector, trying to beat off to an 8mm frame in the light.
Adam says that John Holmes cock was still bigger than his and Bret tells them about hiding his porn in NFL tapes like Joaquin “leaf” Phoenix did in the movie “Parenthood” and Adam is telling them about the “Head Cleaner” tape he confused himself with.
Adam is bringing up the time Ron Jeremy came on Loveline and told him about “Spank Me Fuck Me” and Adam tried to request it from the video store over the phone.
Adam said he called the “Video West” place and is now explaining that it was a woman who answered the phone and Adam is saying how when you do the “play stupid” thing as an adult.
Adam is giving every beat of the interaction and joking about the name being impossible to request, Adam jokes about then showing up after calling thanks to BB offering up a funny reply.
They go to an artificial break.
They’re back from break.
2nd Story Is on a “Rape repellent Bra” and Adam has a killer “it’s called an A cup” one liner and now Alison is explaining how it works and has a funny comment about the impotent police force.
Adam is surprised by the rampant sex crimes in India, he says he doesn’t view them as a raping breed but now says he wouldn’t feel comfortable putting on anti-rape clothing.
Alison is now explaining how it works and Bret is joking about consensual groping as teenagers and now Adam is saying that as a culture if you require a rape bra perhaps it’s time to take a look in the mirror.
Adam says that if he could pick a group to be raped by it would be Indian, Adam says at the top is Samoan and he stays away from that.
Adam is now riffing about his ethnicity rape pyramid, he doesn’t want to go to the pyramid but if he has to, then he prefers a guy from New Delhi.
Alison is asking Adam, Bret and BB about their prison strategy and Adam is riffing about being a warden and pairing up the prisoners, Adam is the maximum security Patti Stinger “get your picker out of that guy’s asshole” and now Bret is telling them about being put in holding cells.
Bret is riffing about the one guy who is comfortable being in jail and will shit in front of the other strangers.
Bret is unsure where he would fall in the prison rape hierarchy and Alison is telling Adam about rape being up 26% in the last year out of New Delhi.
Adam is now joking about doubting the rape stats out of India.
Adam is telling Bret about what he was in a holding cell for, the time his mom got him arrested for a warrant due to parking tickets, thanks to his mom and her “hot tip” over dinner when he was 19 years old.
Adam was throwing it out there trying to see if they would help him, to protect him, they took no mercy and his mom directed him inadvertently exactly to where he would get pulled over by taking “Valley Heart” the side street.
Adam references Hoffman travel and the homoerotic nature of someone putting a seatbelt on you, the guy didn’t tow his motorcycle cause he was cool, he was fired when he called into work and his buddies got him bailed out.
Adam tells them how it took him over 2 years to pay back all of his friends and Alison is struck with how responsible Adam was by calling into work to notify them.
Adam is sharing how much of a horrible place Hoffman Travel was to work and how he was met with a representative from the company at the airport.
Adam was on the way to Letterman in NYC in 1999 and he told the rep to tell all of the travel agents to suck his cock, they were horrible people.
Alison sets Adam up for a stamps.com live read.
3rd Story Is on the new partnership between Pizza Hut and Hershey’s for a cookie pie, Adam is joking about this sound like a room full of evil white guys trying to make kids even more obese and profits even higher.
Adam is bringing up the process of trying to grow zucchinis and how they overgrow and become strange, Adam says there is a sweet spot, cookies, zucchini, and people they all have a sweet spot.
Adam is saying we keep fucking with cookie size, chocolate chip cookies should be the size of areolas on a pregnant black woman.
Adam says the lid of a can of corn, that’s the right size and now he’s trying to get everyone to wipe their mind of the areola example, Adam says it wasn’t him talking, wow!
Adam mocks the miniature cookies, one size, and pregnant can of corn lid areola size.
Adam is now ranting about making more cookies of the right size and asking Alison why she keeps bringing up areolas.
Adam is now ranting about Pizza Hut straying into dessert, they can barely handle pizza, and they have not mastered Pizza despite it being in their name.
Adam is now ranting about people trying their own desserts, apple pie with ice cream is the pinnacle, and you can’t do better than that.
Adam is mocking Taco Bell trying desserts and Mexican desserts in general, trying to fool us with cinnamon and sugar.
Alison wraps the news.
Bret is praising Krispy Kreme and Adam is now bringing up Famous Amos and Mrs. Fields and Alison is sharing how she recently read about Famous Amos making a comeback.
Adam is now joking about Mrs. Fields being a white imitation of a black man’s work, like Elvis.
Adam is praising the old Famous Amos store and BB brings up Otis Spunkmeyer and Alison jokes about funky jizz nicknames, gold!
Adam is now doing a live read for Go to Meeting and works Otis Spunkmeyer into the read somehow.
Adam is now wrapping up the show, giving out the plugs for Bret and saying Mahalo.