Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 06/24/2014 – John Holmberg, Live from Phoenix
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – John Holmberg, Live from Phoenix
Recorded 06-20-2014 – Release Date 06-23-2014
Production Number #1352
Adam is opening the 2nd show with John Holmberg making his 2nd appearance he was on ACS #1054 from April of last year when they were doing these shows previously, Adam references his facial/head sore from the last episode.
Adam is telling them about a “God Bless You” delivered on the flight from a young kid, Adam found out that his stepdad was in the military and Adam is glad and has a killer riff about how sad it is that every time he thinks about religion he thinks about molestation, they need a new publicist.
Adam is sharing his cool atheist status and his take on cockamamie practices of the religions he pre-approves of, not the trouble makers.
Adam is telling them about flying back from Napa with Jimmy Kimmel and the bizarre attempts to sell fake footage of Tract Morgan they discussed.
Adam told Jimmy we need to bring back hell, he wants to bring it back as a concept, and he says people all believe in heaven but no longer in believe in hell, Alison agrees and backs Adam up.
John is sharing his take on JFK being in hell if there is one, Adam is joking about him fingering a handful of interns and has a great “What? Girls?” one liner that needs to be an Ace Award 2014 for something, my god.
John is giving his take as a “Penn Jillette style atheist” and Adam has a great “Attack Crows” reference even citing the “Rainbow Tape” but it’s quick and adapted for this joke.
Adam is now riffing about “The Bay of Pigs” and wants to know what’s going on with Cuba, asking shouldn’t we just take them over and asks wouldn’t it be good for them?
Adam now says they would open Casinos and Starbucks right in Havana, Alison and BB have some great additions and now Adam is joking about opening Toyota dealership, hilarious delivery form Ace trying to explain Japanese cars to them.
Adam is now referencing the time Dr. Drew and his kids took a cruise through South America and Cuba, from the 01/02 Christmas Break, Adam says about 10 years ago, it was actually 12.
Adam and Drew recap that trip right here on the TUESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2002 episode that will one day have an official version released through Classic Loveline, but until then check out that fan file if your inclined.
Adam is joking about the trip with John, Adam is getting to the “Gurney Bubble” discussion from the last show and he’s explaining it again, Alison uses Starbucks bubble lids for their cups to explain it everyone else.
John is explaining why it was removed/fixed, saying he was relentlessly mocked and bullied. John says the Dr. agreed to say it was cancer and got it reduced from 17k to a 700$ copay, thanks to a listener of this show.
Adam is asking John what it looked like, he says a little boneless chicken wing and now Adam is joking about him getting some kind of new abilities, John references “Little Man Tate” and now Adam is asking people with visible physical injuries to make up a good story.
What Can’t Adam Complain About?
1st Topic from AJ, Adam jokes about his full name and him being a terrorist hijacker, Adam jokes about nachos in a doggy bag, mocking the limited shelf life of nachos.
Adam says he doesn’t think nachos have ever gone home with someone, Adam is explaining the only drunk scenario where you bring nachos home.
“And then you have to carry it like one of those bags people collect dogshit in” – Adam on removing spent nachos in a bag from your car, how very specific and accurate.
Adam is saying there is a weird move people do when they’re drunk, obsessing on weird shit or one thing, Adam is now connecting the Mike Tyson and Buster Douglas fight to the drunken nacho version of Tyson.
AJ finally gets to give his topic, “A Clean Butthole”
Adam is on a crazy riff about wiping with toilet paper and how sometimes it comes back clean and sometimes it gets worse even by the 5th wipe.
Adam has these killer one liners and comments that are so rapid fire they’re impossible to list, this is gold.
Adam continues to communicate to the guy in the audience with the Nachos (Mike?) and he’s finishing it up, Adam is getting to the asshole again even after the bell.
Adam is now saying he’s missing out on all kinds of ass related sex stuff, he says “Tongue Darts” and now Adam is joking about John’s “The Queen of Asshole Play” and he’s going “in depth” on what he experienced and Adam is letting him go.
John is telling them about crying during his rim job, Alison has a great reaction to his closing line and now she’s asking him how this woman earned this title, Adam is once again working his daughter into this riff, wow!
Adam is joking about washing out assholes feverishly and doing his “I don’t throw around the word hero lightly” bit, it’s interrupted with a shot from the audience, Adam is now ringing the bell again.
Adam does the line with the shot before just to be a dick.
2nd Topic from Ryan, Adam interrupts to thank the fans for not making it a “pussy shot” that has ingredients such as “chick rings out her tampon” and he’s sharing why he wants a hard bit of booze when offered a shot.
Adam is joking about a convention for date rapists and BB runs with it, Adam is now riffing about this basement meeting and declares it not funny.
Ryan wants to know if Adam can complain about Air Conditioning, he’s saying he loves it and using the tactic of not having it and how pussified we’ve become from having it for so long.
Adam is using a hot car interior and a complaining passenger to make his point, killer riff.
Adam is complaining about the lack of Air in the parking lot while the sun is broiling, much like the 3rd generation Prius technology.
Adam is now addressing the people who might argue against it, Adam is now explaining how it would work without running the engine, a secondary battery, Adam is explaining how it would work and demanding to know what about these ideas.
John is telling them about a dude who opened a fur shop in Phoenix and using it to make a point about how much tougher people were in comparison, echoing Adam’s point about heat tolerance.
Adam is now explaining the one air conditioner found in his step father’s room, he’s’ explaining why he never asked why his parents slept in different rooms.
Adam says they would watch the black and white TV on John’s couch bed, Adam says one of the accordion doors on the AC blew out and became a cat door for their cat Norman.
Adam is now saying that his mom would make full use of the buffalo when it came to making cutoff’s, eventually using the remaining pant leg for a flap allowing Norman to come and go.
Adam is explaining how nice and frosty it would be for watching TV compared to his “Cool Hand Luke hotbox” and Adam hits the bell.
3rd Topic from James, he says negative test results to an STD test.
Adam is saying that James friend is good, Adam says he would feel like he didn’t have vigorous enough sex and now Adam is joking about wide hogs that make full contact.
Adam jokes about this as the equivalent of leaving the field with no grass stains on your uniform, he’ll wipe a little dirt on his dick.
Adam says the STD is the participation trophy for fucking and uses the shitty forgotten experiences of sex to make a point about how you remember the partner who gave you and STD.
Alison gets Adam to reveal that AIDS is 1st place if an STD is just a participation trophy.
Adam wraps the bit and Alison asks what Dr. Drew would say about Adam’s last riff, Adam is now joking about Drew’s passion and how he always has thought he might have warts.
Adam is now telling them about the 2000 wart exam on Classic Loveline, it took 4 years to finally happen and took place on WEDNESDAY, JULY 19, 2000 – Listen there.
Adam is telling them about the acidic acid test and Alison explains it just vinegar, she then tops it by saying “sounds like a special salad” and they agree doctors should learn to say vinegar instead.
Adam places this at “Circa 1999” and explains to John why this test works, Adam is giving the full story.
“Do you wants a 3rd tit above your ass crack” – Adam joking about Dr. Marcel and his scruples because he’s a plastic surgeon.
Adam says there is nothing wrong with being drunk, you just need to know you’re drunk and he’s telling the audience members to “zip it” and he’s now agreeing to take the shot.
Adam is now yelling at them about the novelty shot, he’s refusing to do this and asking for Tequila, but saying they must give the fireball to someone who will do it, NO WASTE!
They’re back from break
1st Story is on “Take Your Dog To Work Day” and Adam is riffing about this being like the day for young women, Adam is now mocking the idea of having to be best friends with everyone else’s dog.
Alison reports this started in the U.K. in 1996 and the U.S. in 1999, Adam wants to know why he would want to go to work and stare at an asshole of a dog, or an asshole in general.
Adam jokes about people not caring about his dog and him not caring about theirs, now a fan is asking for a live read and they’re all admiring an old picture of Molly with two ears.
Adam is doing the live read for Pet Flow and the lack of ergonomic lifting for taking a case of canned dog food out of your trunk.
Adam jokes about the Nanny throwing her back out while taking the good out after he blows his special whistle to alert Olga, he also punches the Jag while pulling in to make the case of food slide back towards the end of the trunk.
Adam is killing this live read, don’t let your nanny have to struggle with the Jaguar, Adam says he has a moat and then corrects himself on the line “your favorite dog food” and he’s telling them about Molly’s oversized moose toy she shakes violently and then tries to fuck, whoa!
“Bring your pet to shitty work day” – Adam, he’s now taking the Tequila shot and joking about his upcoming anti-Semitic rant caused by these irresponsible fans.
Adam is starting the fake rant and killing it with “5 point star comedy” and now Alison is bringing up the separate beds and asking why everyone doesn’t do that.
Adam is now asking if there is a Jew into ass-play that has two holes in their sheet, he’s got a killer KKK robe transition and Alison has a great one liner.
Adam is telling them about an email he got out of nowhere from John, the husband of Ron one of Adam’s clients for when he used to build custom furniture.
Adam tells them about the death of Ron and Alison has a great callback to the “1st place” joke from earlier, Adam has two killer reactions to it, nice.
Adam explains that John was moving and only wanted Adam to have the amazing dresser he built them so many years ago, Alison has a nice genuine reaction to that information.
Adam is now explaining his conversation with Matt Fondiler, did John mean “Buy it off of him?” and he’s now telling them about building John and Ron separate beds for their separate rooms.
Adam says they seemed very happy, they met in the entry hall and fucked then went back to their separate beds, Alison says just like Adam’s mom and stepdad, wow!
Killer reactions from Ace.
Adam says he now has a split bed, two separate twins and he jokes that he can almost reach his cock with his mouth.
Alison says she would never sleep as she would be trying out the settings and she’s telling them about her sleep number and has a funny follow up comment that she flubs then corrects.
John is telling them about his take and Alison warns him to watch his asshole.
Adam is telling them about the platform he built and BB has a killer reply mocking Adam’s love of peeing in the sink.
Adam says he built the platform for his rope skipping, he says he used plywood and explains he watches TMZ with his headphones on.
Adam needs everything going on at once to keep himself from being bored as shit while rope skipping.
Adam is explaining how the company delivered the sheets but their washing machine took a crap, he was yelling to Lynette about using their one big sheet until the washer was fixed.
Adam is explaining the scene with him screaming at his wife, she didn’t understand the term “the big sheet” instead our sheet, Adam is now killing it asking about a tremendous sheet that will cover the state of Nebraska.
Alison is sharing her reaction to this if she was in Lynette’s shoes and John is doing a Native American voice about little sheet and big sheet, Adam is joining him and BB has a decent sound bed.
Alison is asking Adam about the new bed and Adam is telling them about the “knees above your heart” rule of thumb for sleeping.
Adam wants to know why that’s so, Adam says it’s a weird soft taco position and it’s fucking awesome.
Adam says he doesn’t like the memory phone as he doesn’t want it reporting his fucked up behavior, John joins him, Adam jokes about a “tell all book” and Alison has a killer call back to the date rapists convention from earlier.
John combines Ginkgo Biloba and foam, Alison is asking Adam about when his memory started getting worse, he says he’s only forgotten happy things and remembers all of the bad stuff perfectly.
2nd Story Is on Willow and Jaden Smith and their pet snakes they sleep with, Adam wants to know what we can expect out of those two in life.
Alison is mentioning Willow’s single and John is judging people who let kids handle snakes, Adam is riffing about swords and the blowhard story about them.
Adam has a funny non blowhard story example and jokes about the hole in the sheet to jackoff, Adam is sharing his take on reptiles.
Adam says he would rather have an Orca whale in his living room instead of a reptile, Alison is sharing the quotes from Will Smith.
Adam thinks it must be connected to his fear of mice, Alison tries to correct and John mocks the notion of Will having a mouse problem.
3rd Story is on the 10 most disappointing travel destinations, Adam says any bed and breakfast, he says call it what it is, people trying to make rent from strangers.
“You’re going into someone’s house to attempt to fuck your wife” – Adam on B&B’s and he’s now further mocking it and how you only get the room of the person who died, the piece of shit room.
Someone who is not in love with strangers, they’re in love with cash.
They’re commenting on how Bob Newhart made it seem fancier as Adam further describes the horrors of the bed and breakfast.
They take it back to the Jewish comedy from earlier.
Alison says Hollywood is on the list and now Adam is telling them about his son signing up for the Hollywood YMCA and the characters at the gym.
Adam is telling them about the homeless black guy in fatigues working out and the rest of the freak show, Alison is asking if that was the same basketball team that was discussed on the ACS with Jason Nash.
John is telling them about seeing a Darth Vader take off his helmet after posing for kids in Hollywood, he is impressed how the guy didn’t even bother to get out of ear range.
Adam says “Storm troopers really are the Klan of the galaxy” and he’s now riffing about people who work as characters on the Hollywood boulevard and wants to know if it would just be easier to work at Starbucks.
Adam says that guy is thinking “hey I’m my own boss… of a super shitty company with no benefits” and Alison is reading the rest of the places listed.
Adam is saying its weird how tourists complaining about tourists, he’s mocking the concept and Alison is adding to it and now Adam says it’s like showing up at the zoo and seeing your neighbors in the cage.
Adam is now saying abducted and raped is the extreme version of no tourists and now John is telling them about using a fake Aussie accent while telling a man where to find the Victoria mall.
Adam is now bursting John’s bubble telling him that’s gay code and BB has a killer callback to his clean asshole and now Adam is further explaining it.
Alison is getting Adam to tell them about his time at Disney World for the pilot with John Ritter and staying there while filming a man show bit.
Adam is telling them about the times he would do loveline at 1-3am while working from the east coast.
The table up front yells about the “Holocaust call” from 2002 Loveline, Adam is telling them about filing this Man Show bit after working on Loveline and only getting 2hrs of sleep.
On the fan boat with the guys form deliverance is on the bottom of Adam’s Hollywood wish list for activities in the exciting life of a celebrity.
4th Story is on tooth tattoos and Alison explains how they work, John brings up Ladybug tattoos and Adam is now asking why someone would do that.
He’s joking about a larger bug attacking your flesh, Adam is asking for another Miller Lite and says “fucking drink the shot bitch” to a woman in the crowd.
Adam is now saying this is the white version of the rap grill, Adam explains what it takes and means to be hot.
Adam jokes about tanning and Alison jumps in and now he’s back to the fake drunk anti-Semitic rant joke.
Adam says stop treating your fucking body like it’s a NASCAR, stop picking up sponsorships.
John is telling them about a “MILF” contest and a woman with a Frankenstein tattoo between her boobs, hilarious comments from John with a Bill O’Reilly closer.
Adam is now joking about angry villagers persecuting this woman much like the bug riff from earlier, Alison is further describing the teeth tattoos.
Adam is doing a Draft Kings live read, BB mixes up a guy’s names and Adam jokes about being shafted by Jason Verlander and makes Dawson says “Henter” while closing out the legalese.
Alison wraps the news and now Adam is closing out the show with some plugs.