02 Jun Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 05/28/2015 – Lisa Lampanelli, Live from Carolines on Broadway
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Lisa Lampanelli, Live from Carolines on Broadway
Recorded 05-27-2015 – Release Date 05-28-2015
Production Number #1583
Adam welcomes Lisa to the show for her 10th appearance on the ACS, plugging her new special, only 45 seconds before her first C-Bomb, they’re bonding over the costs of theater union employees, joking about illegal immigrants being staffed.
Adam is telling Lisa about going to Huffington Post Live and mocks their slow crawl to the grave, hilarious “Remake of AIDS with Keanu Reeves in it” and mentions the new eating disorder her heard about.
Adam jokes about being horny for her 107lbs of former weight, Adam asks if it’s Asian and Lisa observes how original his mind is and the weird places it takes the show.
Lisa is telling him about her surgery once again, she explains that all of her hair fell out and brings up Rod Stewart’s half a dyke sister and Adam tells Lisa about Rod’s uncircumcised penis, she then shares her distaste for an “uncut” dong.
Adam says he had his son circumcised to avoid him having “weirdo dick” and Lia brings up her ex-husband Jimmy Big Balls, she’s sharing her reaction to her first black penis that was also uncut.
Adam says he doesn’t know if black penises are bigger than white penises, Adam is sharing his theory about the racism and discrimination in the porn industry and how they keep “Lucious small-cock” unemployed.
Lisa says there is as much diversity among black and white men regarding penis size but a black man never has a penis as small as a Jewish guy, whoa!
Adam and Lisa are riffing about yarmulkes and sombreros and they’re talkin to an audience member and Adam suggests a yarmulke chin strap.
Adam has a killer gay guy joke after Lisa mocks the audience member, Adam is now describing the new eating disorder he heard about.
Adam is having Gary play a clip from Huffpo about “orthorexia” which is not recognized as a real disorder.
Adam is joking about Hebrew and the lack of L sounds, Adam and Lisa are now riffing about what a bummer that woman must be with the disorder.
Lisa shares how she feels about people with food sensitivities and shares how she tricked a friend into eating real chocolate.
Adam is now using his construction site time in Los Angeles to make a point about the lack of food sensitives among day laborers and people without the privilege to be allergic to things they’re not actually allergic to.
Lisa says it’s a white person problem and shares an anecdote regarding the ‘Lilly Pulitzer’ and the people offended by their internal abuse regarding fat people.
Adam says people are just going around waiting to be offended and he laments not being able to be offended due to being a rich white guy, he shares his pepper mill story where he demanded the pepper on his salad before his wife.
Lisa resents women who marry rich guys, she says she attracts retarded people and Adam says she needs to try out her new skinny self on the open market.
“There’d be a lot of black guys with dry dicks” – Adam commenting on Lisa’s wish that she was skinnier when she was younger.
Adam is now bringing up people who do 3 laps with a goodbye and how he finds himself hanging up on them mid speech just to wrap things up.
Adam talks about slapping a fender to let someone know it’s cool to leave, a pope like blessing on their CRV fender, Adam is commenting on the people who honk goodbye as they leave.
Adam is now breaking down the discussion he would like for this plan before ending a lunch date with a pal.
Adam says the hotel made the mistake of telling him and August about their 100$ of free food per Diem and jokes about August eating a fichus plant if they were out of food choices.
Adam shares how he requested a “hardboiled egg” on top of his salad and mocks the “let me check” reply and shares how he came back sucking in air telling him about the lack of hard boiled eggs past breakfast time.
Adam explains the waiter convinced him to give up the egg, Lisa brings up the lack of “the customer is always right” mindset among white servers who are typically struggling actors or comics and interact with people in an inappropriate way.
Adam says he gave up on the egg and then the salad showed up 20min later anyway, so they could’ve got him his egg in that time.
Lisa shares her own anecdote of trying to mow through some casino bucks after her stomach surgery, Adam is now telling her about the per diem they were given at the Tropicana.
Adam is getting to the “ex-slave food” they ordered and how they tried to get things at “market price” to burn though the cash, he mocks Mike for buying up the carbs.
Lisa suggests Adam get rid of Mike and says it’s Adam’s own low self-esteem that keeps him surrounded by people who waste money on chow mein.
Adam tells Lisa about the audience questions and she asks if they should re-state his question for the audience, Adam says he can just shout.
Adam is now doing a live read for Castrol
Adam is now asking Lisa to explain what a Shabbat goy is, he has the audience member explain what it is to Lisa who guessed but got it wrong.
“Because it’s the Sabbath but you really want to toast that bagel” – Adam
The audience member explains you cannot give the Shabbat goy money and mocks the Jews for their very convenient rules, he brings up the Muslims and how their religion essentially subjugates women and how convenient it is for men in their cultures.
Adam and Lia riff with the audience member about Jewish people and customs, this is solid.
Adam is now clarifying with the audience member asking him about the actual rules at play.
Adam is asking about further uses for the Shabbat goy and jokes about them raising the cost to change the channel during playoff games.
Adam is now commenting on how cruel god would be to take offense to a person turning on their hot water heater on a Saturday.
Adam is joking about the idea of a 42yr old man asking for young guys to come over and help him in his basement over the weekend.
Adam is killing it with hilarious Jewish stereotypes and jokes about shaking change loose from a pant leg.
Adam is now suggesting a secret Jewish kid show up and turn on the water heater then putting on a yarmulke and telling the person who hired them they’ll see them in hell.
Lisa is commenting on the pedo look of the audience member, Adam is now mocking the idea of someone waking up at 6am on a Saturday asking gentiles to turn on their hot water heater.
Adam is imagining what his reaction would be and he goes back to audience member Danny and asks him what the experience was like for him, Adam asks why they couldn’t wait until noon to ask the neighbors.
Adam has another Lucious reference and has the audience put their hands together for Danny and his suffering.
Lisa tells Danny he looks not only molesty but also henpecked and Adam jokes about him being late for his cuckold session and then jokes about the “Jew Mobile” and Lisa comments on how cool the Jewish audience members are that they’re enjoying this material.
She wants to know what makes some cultures ok with comedy and making fun of themselves and their culture, taking the piss out of themselves as it were.
“If these guys were Middle Eastern you’d be missing both hands and half your cunt” – Adam
Lisa is bringing up Asian culture and how they often take offense to humor involving them.
She asks Adam if her was sued, he jokes about being sued by China but doesn’t yet bring up Mr. “Asspokey” nor the Philippino/Pacquiáo thing.
Adam gets to the “ching chong” comments from the KLSX morning show that he didn’t even say but got in trouble for, Adam says tell an Asian person that claims Ching Chong is their N word, tell the fuck you and Lisa brings up how she accidentally offended George Takei.
Adam says any time your nationality gets shortened you should be fine with it, especially if it comes from wartime.
Adam is now explaining how his uncle ralph had to mow down many Japanese men as the U.S. was trying to get close enough to build a runway to then reach the Japanese mainland.
Lisa brings up an old article she found of her father, where he was quoted as saying “yeah I helped rescue 15,000 Japs” and them makes a point about actions vs. words.
Adam says that words only hurt if the recipient chooses to feel them, he uses a traffic example and then gets to how comedians shouldn’t need to watch what they say.
Adam says the worst thing you can say about a comedian is that they played it down the middle, Adam now asks what famous great comedian was in the middle.
Adam gets back to the questions
Adam is asking the guy if he’s reading his own question.
Something about Gavin Newsom, Adam is now ranting about him and explains how he buried him on air and the lack of commercials and the long form interview left him unable to defend his flawed logic.
Adam is now going in depth over the whole conversation, the Huffpo controversy and further describes beating the shit of Gavin in his metaphorical woodshed.
Adam has a killer “emergency banana” and asks the Jewish guys about beating off to pillow cases while commenting on sex through sheets.
A woman shouts out that it’s Adam’s birthday and now Gary plays a clip of the Gavin Newsom episode.
Adam is commenting over the clip and Lisa commends him for busting Gavin on air.
Adam is explaining how he wants racial inequality solved, Gavin wants a vote and pretends about giving a shit.
Lisa says she’s turned on right now.
Adam is now doing a Quick Books live read
“Running the law firm out of your kid’s bedroom” – Adam with a hilarious Jewish themed live read.
Adam and Lisa give out some plugs even though Adam wanted one more question, Adam says it’s his birthday and Adam brings up his “achievement day” his idea for replacing birthdays.
Lisa asks Adam about his greatest achievements, Adam is explaining winning the “pro” division of the Long Beach Grand Prix.
Adam skips over Wilson and a woman with big titties gets to ask a question, something about booking guests for live shows.
Adam says they’ve had plenty of bad people for the live bookings, he refuses to name names and then does say Elliot Gould was perhaps the worst booking.
Adam is sharing how this is good for the comedians who can “deliver the mail” and this format is so new he didn’t know how this would go.
Adam is bringing up the flowers sent to Lisa after she hosted the 92y interview with Adam, Adam explains he was sitting thinking about Lisa getting her orchids and how she’s doing them a favor.
Adam is explaining this is called a relationship and Lisa has a good one with him, he tells people to not be the person on the other end of the phone that makes the person sigh and lament knowing you or having a phone.
Adam further gives his take on relationships and says the reason he spends money on Lisa is because he’s greedy and says the flowers were his assistant’s idea.
Adam is bringing up his wife who claimed that raising the kids was a 24hr a day job while they were at the park with the nanny, Adam jokes about it being only a 22hr a day job.
Adam is further giving his take on fatherhood and how he married a “great mother” and explains how he married a woman who he knew would be the best mom in the world and jokes about coming first in reply to Lisa’s question about Lynette’s beauty, wicked turn of phrase.
Adam is now doing a live read for Seat Geek
Adam gives out the plugs and wraps up the show, Lisa killed it once again!