22 May Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 05/19/2016 – Greg Fitzsimmons
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Greg Fitzsimmons
Recorded 05-18-2016 – Release Date 05-19-2016
Production Number #1825
Adam opens the show to an ‘Emotional Rescue’ intro delivered by Dawson and written by Lynch, referencing I premise some off air conversation while Adam was driving and ranting about song lyrics or perhaps Lynch heard it and brought it up to trigger Adam, hmmm?
BB has no time for his top drop as Adam has Maxipada make a list for songs like this and Rod Stewart’s ‘Passion’ and mocks songs where they don’t end the person just keeps citing other things like they’re trying to stall for time.
Adam has a killer riff as Rod looking around the studio and referencing each person, he jokes about the engineer having a finger fun to his head and miming suicide and the janitor even.
Adam is now going off on ‘Emotional Rescue’ and he jokes about his other new book ‘Blame The Bee Gees’ and describes how every artist and group had to go disco at some point.
Adam wants a list of horrific songs that never end like ‘American Woman’ and BB mocks this groove they keep going in the song.
Adam welcomes Gina to the show.
Gina gives her take on this seeming like hubris and Adam mocks them working in the name of the song as they listen to more of this turd.
Adam is amazed at what a piece of shit this song is and jokes about the engineer having Mick Jagger use a charcoal briquette and a napkin to jot down some better lyrics instead of what made it into the song.
Adam says hi to BB and we get a Fitzdog #TopDrop where he’s requesting some motherfucking Jews while in character sharing a quote from a previous episode.
Nice intro choice from Lynch, what a shit-ton of content from a single reference.
Adam says Fitzdog is coming into he studio, he is sharing his kitchen remodel milestones and differentiates the good days from the horrible ones filled with rat shit and powdered cancer dust.
Adam is sharing how the cabinet dudes were coming in at 1145 and he had to go meet with Spike TV about his new weekly TV show development.
Adam is explaining how he was trying to resists having to drag himself out of the door, he just wanted to be there for the home improvement work, BB asks how that bodes for the show and Adam reminds him it’s about construction so it’s behavior of exactly who you would want hire.
Adam is talking about Nick and the “nipples” plumbing assembly miscommunication and Gary mentions that the new employee met Adam for the first time and marveled at hearing the word nipples so many times and so aggressively.
Adam is now going over the conversation with his wife about the kitchen and how he wanted it fully installed as he gave himself a deadline.
Adam says it’s lie SEMA and he explains that regardless of the car project they all seem to meet that deadline and regardless of the crew they all come up right against it.
BB talks about Adam’s seemingly arbitrary choice and Adam says it’s not a great way to go through life but it does just get you done so it is effective.
Adam says it’s a better overall way to go in terms of meeting your goals.
Adam is doing a Blinds Galore Live Read
Dial in the blinds, just enough for a nice clean shave but not enough to expose yourself to your crew edition
Q and Ace
1st Caller Adam is calling about teaching kids sports and he comments on water breaks they’re required to have every 20min and how kids will want to keep drinking water all day if you let them.
Adam Carolla agrees with his point about water being withheld to teach discipline and Adam uses is daughter in the air conditioned Tesla dying of thirst and how drinking water is almost a nervous tick now for some people.
Adam the caller is telling them about teaching and coaching young kids, Gina asks if the kids get horribly injured or frequently cry and Adam says he never remembers a kid crying when he first started when he was 7.
Adam is now sharing some memories of the shoulder injury and subsequent surgery to correct the dislocation, Adam is going over the way his parents refused to let him keep playing football.
Adam was insistent that he didn’t have to listen to them and shares how unfair of a deal it is for them to provide nothing and then attempt to order him around, he explains how he bulldozed his parents and they sent him to a therapist.
Adam says that his dad yelled something to the effect of “I hope you end up in a wheelchair” then takes it back, kind of.
Adam is talking about how he was delighting his kids explaining how he was hit by Roberta Messex and Grandpa Al Lewis, they loved the irony of him being slapped while playing the hand slap game that nobody knows the name of (Red Hands) in the backseat of her car.
Roberta is the mother of Monty Messex, three time Classic Loveline guest with a possible lost appearance or two.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1999 – GUEST: MONTY MESSEX • HOST: ADAM, DR. BRUCE
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2000 – GUEST: MONTY MESSEX • HOST: ADAM, DR. DREW
SUNDAY, JULY 21, 2002 – GUEST: MONTY MESSEX • HOST: ADAM, DR. DREW
Adam explains how he innocently mimicked his mom’s voice to distract Monty and got smacked for that, he jokes about being on the offensive while playing the game and how he wasn’t expecting that.
Adam says the Grandpa Al Lewis slap wasn’t less warranted than the one from Roberta, Al was trying to punch everyone in the car but him.
Adam says that Roberta told Adam’s mom, Adam wasn’t going to squeal and he reveals he never told on Grandpa Al Lewis.
Fitzdog enter the studio and cracks that it’s like he’s the whacky neighbor on a sitcom.
Adam is asking him about his upcoming charity bike ride, Adam is telling Greg about Penn Jillette’s similar charity and Adam jokes about a cage fight between the two different charities that assist people with special needs integrate into society.
Mangria Moments
Winner Joe, he completed a real Ironman completion and Adam is marveling at how insane it is that he accomplished it, poor Alexandra Paul…
Greg is remarking on Joe’s belly and Adam jokes about the long way to travel with such a large body, BB jokes about this turning from a good phone call to him being mocked for being overweight.
Hilarious butter riff from Adam with some great comments from BB and Fitzdog.
Adam asks him about this event and if it makes him feel like he can do anything, like Ron Jeremy sucking his own cock and how he must feel about conquering the world.
Adam jokes with Joe not being able to suck his own cock and Greg shares his difficulties completing a workout session at the gym with a TV screen in front of the elliptical or treadmill.
Adam is joking about him having to swim in “duck shit pond” and he comments on there not being a less glamorous place to do this, Houston probably has him running serpentine and he talks about the “we use bait cars” signs he saw while Houston.
Adam shares why he is troubled by that and Gina talks about the TV series ‘Bait Car’ and Adam marvels at the dashboard with the sign visible saying they’re on camera, much like a television release form.
BB is now riffing with Adam about the public defender and Adam asks Joe about going to jail for a chicken shit ticket in New Orleans.
Adam shares that he was also arrested for warrants and Joe tells them about his wife going to bail him out, Adam jokes about the woman he describes, Janice from the 1950’s with a hairnet and rolling pin.
Adam blesses Joe for enjoying some Mangria after his Ironman competition and Greg says that Adam should come up with a diet Mangria, Adam is now telling him not to slut shame Joe and explains how men of any body type can kickass in the UFC or win on game day in the NFL.
They list some fighters and players and move on after Adam jokes about Joe’s probable early demise.
Adam is doing a Tommy John Live Read
Adam and BB are both wearing some of their stuff right now edition
Adam is asking Greg about homework and his kids, Adam shares his frustrations and all of the beats he hits about it.
Greg talks about how there is now a website for parents to check on homework, Greg shares his rule about grades and privileges and Adam says his home is slightly dumber.
Adam thinks his wife and the Nanny have a 2 to 1 ratio on time spent doing the kids homework.
2nd Caller Tom, he’s echoing Adam’s rants about homework and how unimportant it is.
Adam cuts him off and reminds him that he’s talking to a rich atheist who is broken inside and has “fuck you” money.
Adam is talking about how he can drop his kids off at their friend’s business and get them hooked up with quality gigs and BB mocks Adam’s grit that he often preaches about.
Adam is joking about going to frat parties when he was a construction worker, it was fine he could hang out with his college bound buddies and talk about their contrasting paths in life.
Gina and BB both have a great ‘Goodwill Hunting’ references and Adam is now riffing about Lynette picturing his kids being separated from their friends like Meryl Streep in ‘Sophie’s Choice’ and BB has a killer sounded to Adam pleading in character.
Adam is now going over the photo of him at the Cal Viking themed party, he had to borrow a burlap sack to be Tovar/Tobar the Viking Caveman.
Adam is now talking about binge drinking as Tobar and how he would shout “Drink from your helmet” and he says that one of the neighbors came by in the morning to tell on some guy names Tobar who was caught having sex on their lawn.
Adam is now sharing how he vomited all over and destroyed a guy’s computer setup circa 1983, a Tandy setup after he fell while trying to hop on the top bunk.
BB is stuck on the girl in the photo who dressed up as a Minnesota Viking for the party and BB is recalling the time Jack Silver wanted them to dress up as cowboys and something similar that happened there, he refuses to name him but does the impression which is odd.
Adam is doing a Castrol Live read
3rd Caller Robert he wants to know if Adam could interview any living president, he would pick Bill Clinton and says the pickings are a little bit slim.
Adam talks about his “Drake” joke from the Dan Patrick show regarding the MLB brawl.
Adam says that Bill Clinton seems to be in failing health and comments on his voice, Adam comments on how candidates hate you knowing about their health and just how much money they fucking have.
Adam is sharing Drew’s take on Hillary and her “slip and fall” and he talks about the level of alarm about her prescription and possible stroke that was hidden from the public.
Gina asks about candidates making their physicals public and Drew says that nobody has scrutinized Hillary’s physical enough, Greg asks about the Lewinski card and if they’re having Bill drop back on the campaigning intentionally.
Adam is talking about Bill’s closet full of “rape as we know it today” and Greg has a killer one liner about being Jeffery Dahmer based on today’s standards, he even comments on leaving it as a new sound drop for BB.
Adam is talking about Hillary “running interference” for her husband who was sexually assaulting women by some standards.
Adam is joking about Trump not debating by Marquess of Queensberry Rules and Adam says it’s like fighting a homeless guy, his shirt is covered with human fecal matter already, hilarious bum fighting one liners.
Gary reveals that Bill Clinton is 69yrs old and they move on after some funny one liners from Ace.
Gina’s News
1st Story is on the Donald Trump interview with Megyn Kelly and Gina has all of the details about the special and her questions.
She plays a clip of Donald Trump defending his fans and talking about tweeting, Adam and Greg are reacting to the clip and BB jokes about “insulting on a curve” and Gina comments on his sheepish look after being caught.
Adam is commenting on his subdued suit and tie combo, Adam says this look is as presidential as he gets.
Adam is talking about Megyn Kelly’s short haircut and Greg is now ranting about gay men who butcher women’s hair, the old cliché, he’s got a vocal impression too, hilarious.
Adam is joking about the women who would be disgusted to have to fuck him, Adam talks about the certain positions he couldn’t’ do with these gals as they would vomit.
Who would be more appalled Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman or Megyn Kelly?
“Baby you’re about to adopt some jizz” – Adam and he references the Billy Bob Thornton tattoo that he would aim his jizz at.
Greg wisely adds back in Gwyneth Paltrow and how disgusted she would be by Adam drilling her and Adam jokes about her showering to death afterwards, she scrubbed herself to death, she didn’t drown, you’re not hearing Adam, she showered to death and inhaled some Purell, she got light headed and choked while trying to do a bottle brush maneuver on her mouth and vagina at the same time.
Adam is now joking about her putting her head into a centrifuge to get clean, Adam jokes about being brought up on manslaughter charges and says it’s like being shot by an ice bullet, Greg loves it.
Greg adds in Ellen DeGeneres, Gina is doing the tallying and Adam is now trying to explain the notion of this game and why Kate Upton and Megan Fox aren’t in the running.
Adam jokes about how Gina knows Kate Upton as “ol’ A cups” and how it’s only Gina’s nickname for her.
Gina ranks the women in order and Adam says he would eat a sloppy joe with a Mr. Pibb just to gross out Gwyneth Paltrow and how he would talk about it not tasting like canned sauce, it tastes like it’s from a bottle.
Greg jokes about Adam dragging his tomato sauce stained fingers down her cheek as Adam does the don’t speak move and jokes about consciously coupling his cock with her pussy and they move on after he jokes about playing some Coldplay music while they fuck.
2nd Story is on the literal “Dog and Pony shows” at American Airports to appease people stuck in the insane TSA lines across the country.
Adam is now joking about them bringing in more TSA employees and how they could innovate this process, Gina cites ‘In and Out Burger’ and how they take your order while you’re in line.
Adam is talking about how he predicted LAX will have guys with street carts soliciting street dogs and food to the security lines, ghetto dogs at LAX, Adam called it if and when it happens.
Gina shares the sad plea from her TSA guy and Adam is now talking about air travel and his gripes about fiesta mix and how they can force you to suffer at 35k ft. and he asks how much Doritos would cost instead, 11 cents vs. 18 cents per snack per customer/unit.
Adam would be willing to pay that 7 cents and an extra 4 bucks per ticket for TSA, unaware they already take more than that, that already happens.
Greg talks about airlines saving money with retrofitting and edible salt packs.
Adam explains how he would lean toward and all brand airline, BB says Virgin America has a pretty good selection.
Adam is talking about Jet Blue and how he was dying to take the Burbank nonstop, he says he was in first class of Jet Blue and was specifically asked what beer he wanted, the flight attendant wanted him to check the menu and he jokes about getting his quill out “dear cunt you should know…”
Adam is going over the “check the menu” confusion and how he felt weird being forced to engage in the dance, the cunt came back 25min later with a basket full of snacks, she insisted he check the menu and wanted to make him jump.
Adam wants all of the passive aggressive cunts and dickheads removed from our world.
BB says she was trying to train Adam and he says “so sorry your cuntness” and jokes about a future ordering experience where he has his order down.
Adam is doing a True Car Live Read
Greg just used it for his niece, no not the Cobalt edition
3rd Story is an update on the suspensions following the MLB brawl and Adam calls back his Drake joke.
Adam and BB are talking about the slide and Adam says there are two ways, illegal and legal slides.
Adam talks about the way players are trained to break up the double play and he’s challenging BB’s moral stand about baseball violence.
Adam says this didn’t look as egregious as “going wide” and Gary talks about the gentleman’s understanding that used to be employed.
Adam is now having Gary play the footage and Adam talks about douche moves in other sports like the NBA and how players use them for a strategic advantage.
The footage is playing and Adam is saying Pete Rose has probably done that 2,000 times.
4th Story is on the reveal of what OJ Simpson said to Robert Shapiro after the trial.
Gina introduces this story with her thoughts regarding ‘The People Vs. OJ Simpson’ and Greg shares his admiration for the show saying it’s the best thing televisions has ever done. Adam jokes about him slighting ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ and ‘Upstairs downstairs’ the true innovators in television.
Adam is going BBC crazy and BB reminds him that the Ab Fab movie is coming out this year, Adam jokes about his being more distance between Super Mario Bros. NES game debut and movie.
Adam is now making a point about what Robert Shapiro said about OJ publicly celebrating his freedom and now Greg brings up people who jumpstart applause.
Adam is killing a “first world problems” riff with some deep sarcasm.
Adam says there cannot be more than one killer who did this and cites how someone would have slipped in the past 20yrs, it’s impossible it hasn’t come up.
Greg has a hypothetical Gwyneth Paltrow fucks Adam if he never talks about it scenario and he wants to know the positions he would use with her.
Adam jokes about her tipping down her framed pictures of Apple and Greg is relishing that Adam is doing this on her sheets, at her house, contaminating her space.
Adam is agreeing to all of Greg’s bizarre suggestions and he jokes about his “rape valet, rape assistant, rape proxy, rape doula” who follows him to the celebrity’s homes for these bizarre encounters that happen for reasons unknown.
Adam is talking about her plate of shit under the nose expression and how she could really enjoy it.
Gina talks about the 15k golden dildo being sold on Gwyneth Paltrow’s website, Gary has the reveal that it’s also a vibrator and he tells them about their 3900$ model.
Adam jokes about financing a dildo and paying monthly payments.
Adam is reacting to the “Mandingo” warrior stick, Adam thinks Gwyneth might be too compromised to inflict this experience her, she might shake it off.
Plus, he doesn’t want it like he’s’ ringing a dinner triangle in there, wow!
Adam and Gina are doing a Life Lock Live Read
Adam is giving out the plugs and wraps up the show and BB gets a nice plug in for the Live ‘The Film Vault’ taping, their first live show.
BB plays the drop of Gary quoting their newest employee regarding Adam’s angry nipple demands.