14 May Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 05/14/2014 – Dave Attell, Live From Caroline’s on Broadway
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Dave Attell, Live from Caroline’s on Broadway
Recorded 05-13-2014 – Release Date 05-14-2014
Production Number #1325
Adam is opening the show live from Caroline’s and Dave Attell is joining him in place of Greg Gutfeld, Adam has a nice anecdote about Dave’s reaction to the applause before they came out.
Adam is thanking him and everyone for coming out, he’s telling them about his son taking up a sport and how he wishes it was MMA but instead it’s long distance running, which goes in line with his long held interest in who runs the fastest.
Adam says he would be more interested in watching his son do gay porn that run long distance, very slow circles around a track at a high school.
Adam says that unfortunately he’s really accelerating in not really accelerating, Adam wishes he would tear an ACL and he’s running like 3 ½ place.
Adam is now telling them about Sonny coming in 3rd place and has a great joke about spaces for stillborn kids who never made it to the race on the podium.
Adam is now sharing how black runners have the best extremes when it comes to running, Adam says that Sonny did the black panther fist along with the two black kids next to him, Adam says he has it on tape and it’s fucking awesome.
Adam is now riffing with Dave about cows, Adam is mocking the use of a cowbell for a race because you’ve never seen one jog.
Adam says that his son was beat by a kid with his shoes untied the whole race.
Adam says that his son has found the one sport that is unwatchable, Adam is killing it riffing about “running not that fast but consistent” in his Italian blood.
Adam is now brining up how they have to breakdown the game footage after Sonny finishes, Dave is now getting to the point of this live show.
Adam is sharing how the book was born of lethargy and the category structure allowed for the best comedy, Adam is riffing with Dave about his act and mocking him by implying he’s not a good comic, despite him always saying he’s the funniest standup he’s ever seen.
Dave has a killer Hitler joke and Adam wants to know if it’s too late for his own Kristallnacht and he’s joking about labeling Jewish businesses.
Adam wants to know why so much food is made on the street in NYC, half the city is a restaurant and he’s riffing about an interaction with an imaginary gyro dealer.
Adam is sharing how he saw the lamb meat get down to the bar at a shawarma place, he’s never seen that before and has a killer labia comment, and Dave says ewww.
Adam says he misses the 3 card Monte guy, he says it’s a weird impulse buy, horsemeat lamb and a knockoff Gucci handbag.
Dave is bringing up the guys selling hats out of season, Adam is asking if other people also want to stop these individuals and tell them it’s much less work to have an actual job.
Adam is breaking down the logic and says they should get a job and orange Julius and call it a fucking life.
Dave has a list of bullet points from Adam’s book.
Air Force One
Adam thanks him for keying up the riff and explains why he loves bargaining and the negotiating that he does before being dropped of the night before an early AM flight.
Adam says as the president he travels nowhere, he doesn’t fuck up your city or airport, he uses a bulletproof Habitrail ball that he runs through your town if he has to travel, gold!
Adam is joking about how a city shuts down when a president visits, Adam says the ultimate fundraiser would be a trip on Air Force One.
Airport Security Scanner/ Shoeprints/Repeated declarations
Adam is telling Dave what he means about the footprints, the 1940’s wingtips of Fred MacMurray, he’s saying it’s like a reporter from that era.
Adam just made a weird “Scooby Doo” sound as he calls it, Adam wants to know what everyone thinks about if someone pulled them aside when they were 9 and told them that as an adult they would get the “sing songy” cadence from the security cunt, and Dave has a great “wow” in reply to Adam’s c bomb.
Adam is telling them about getting pulled out of line for additional screening and riffing about the TSA guy making his own mouth noises, he’s sharing the “real fast” story.
Adam is killing it.
Hotels, “that’s your setup, cool ideas of hotels?” – Adam
Hotel Video Loop
Adam is telling them about staying at the Marriot in Detroit and how the Marriott channel made him depressed, he’s sharing how he took a picture of the TV screen and he’s having Mike Lynch show the picture.
Nice work Lynch.
Adam is riffing about being swept away by the majestic shuttle van that took him to the airport, Adam says it should be a picture of a burning car on the Marriott channel.
Hotel Beat off Waiver
Adam is bringing up the hypocrisy of not being able to smoke in a hotel room but being allowed to fill them with jizz.
Camouflage workout guy
Dave also hates that guy, Adam is saying that he doesn’t like guys who work out in “outfits.”
Yoga Mat Guy
Adam is now riffing about the guy he spotted on a flight with his yoga mat cradle attached to his backpack.
Dave has a great “samurai of nothing” one liner.
Bracelet Chick
Adam is riffing about these people and their doomed trip to Davey jones locker.
Trick or Treat in your own shitty neighborhood
Dave is having Adam explain the logic, he’s a little shocked and Adam is turning it around explaining the logic and how it inspired people to improve their own literal backyards.
Adam is explaining Mike Lynch and his role in writing these books and pointing him out in the crowd.
Adam is telling Dave about his radio tour earlier this morning, he says he finished shooting his movie on late Saturday night, did Stern Monday morning and jokes about the reaction “you get him out here in New York?” and tops it off with O’Reilly.
Adam is bringing up the guys who stiffed him on the tour coming back around at the end, he’s now thanking Lynch and saying he deserves everything he gets and more.
Handicapped Parking
Dave wants to know what’s up with the erection part of the rule, Adam is explaining his logic and has a nice disability insurance test analogy.
There is a blind guy in the crowd, Adam is joking with him and asks if he’s wearing “brail glasses” and Adam says he wants to put his glasses on.
They now have Walter on mic and Adam jokes with him about losing his vision, telling him to check under the car seat, Dave has a funny tunnel vision riff.
Adam is now trying out the guys cane and joking about never holding a pool cue before, he wants to know why it’s blue instead of red, Adam is joking about it getting him laid.
Dave has a Show World comment and Adam then realizes it doesn’t make sense asking why a blind man would got to a beat off emporium to look at nude women.
Adam shares the dark “We get to make you into what you said you were” twist to people who lie about handicapped parking, he’s now bringing up the boner test “C’mon you’re not really trying.”
Curly from the Three Stooges
Adam is sharing his thinking about him not being fat by today’s standards, ladies employed at Disneyland included.
Dave is commenting on Adam’s drinking and he brings up Dave’s sobriety.
“When you quit drinking and you’re still a mess, shouldn’t you just go back to drinking, I’d a be a great sponsor wouldn’t I, are you drunk or drunk, drunk!?”
Dave wants to know if Adam would actually run for president and Dave says that his 6’2” height puts him in the zone of possibly for presidency.
Dave is sharing some details about James Madison and joking about him touring with Foghat.
Adam is mocking the style of dress and hair in that era, wondering if the made fun of guys with buzz cuts.
Dave is bringing up President Taft and his 332lb weight, Dave says he really had to be pulled out of the tub by the secret service.
Adam shares his Chris Christie riding a bike on a freeway to shut it down idea.
1st Question from Cheryl aka Boom Boom, she wants to if Adam would change anything in the book now that it’s finalized.
Adam says he would get to an even 300 pages, he would not dedicate it to anybody but the blank page in the beginning.
Adam says it’s perfect, not like his kids, it’s his true baby and there is nothing that he would change.
2nd Question Dave says his dad keeps moving closer and closer to his wife/life and fears he’s going to try and move in, they’re joking about his dad living in a motel.
Lots of off mic interacting.
“The only people that live in motels are prostitutes and Josh Brolin from No Country for Old Men” – Adam
Adam is asking him why he lives in motels, saying he worked construction too and kept and apartment.
Adam is telling Dave to hire a hobo (drifter) to kill your parents when they become too burdensome.
Adam is now asking Dave if they get the wrong idea about motels because there has never been a good scene in a movie that takes place in a hotel, it’s all shooting and rebar through sternums.
Dave is riffing about door chains, Adam wants to know if it’s ever stopped 300lbs of angry dude.
Adam says he does the latch thing on the hotel door, just so he can hear his attacker, it has never stopped anyone from entering but he’s banged against it every time.
3rd Question from Quigley, Adam jokes about his name and now Dave is jumping in and calling him Q, Adam is asking him why he hasn’t drank his beer, staring at that blue moon for 55min, Adam says that he’s going to take a hit off of it for him, no waste!
Adam is joking about the flat warm beer, Quigley wants them to expand the show to 1 hour, Adam says that they have and it will be next season.
Dave compliments him on the humanitarian effort of the show, Adam is getting to the format and the super awkward confrontations between the homeowners and the contractors.
Adam is mocking the “I’m here now aren’t I” and applying it to a courtroom situation, Adam mocks the audience member Walter for yelling next to nothing, Adam wants to know if he has a job and mocks his use of “right now.”
“Go Blind Badger!” – Adam
Adam is explaining why “Right Now” is a horrible statement to use.
4th Question from Seth, please comment on Baldwin’s recent arrest regarding bicycle violations.
Adam isn’t familiar with the story and shares how he replaced the terrorist alert chart with Baldwins and he’s asking the audience what he got arrested for.
Riffing his bike the wrong way down 5th avenue, wow!
Adam wants to know when we became such colossal pussies.
Dave is now reacting to the terror alert chart revisions, Adam wants to know if he needs to go spring Alec from jail, he use the Terminator for an example, gold!
Adam is calling it “rider suppression” about how Alec was required to have an ID, Adam is on fire.
Adam is now bringing up the guy who chains his bike up and then takes the parts all off of it to his cubicle to keep anyone from steeling it.
Adam has a killer joke about Dave striking him as a cyclist and has a nice joke about why you should never hit a Mexican on a bicycle.
5th Question from Jesse, he wants to know if “President Me” will make Oprah’s book club list, Adam is now joking about the sad part of the Man Show and it’s origins and how Jimmy has now taken up with Oprah.
Adam calls him a benedict Arnold and says that Jimmy is “titty fucking the enemy” Adam says we need to face it and the one thing you would do with her is titty fuck c’mon “titty fucking Oprah!”
Dave is now plugging the book and Adam jokes that Dave will be signing them in the lobby, Adam thanks Dave and they’re wrapping up the show.