Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 03/28/2014 – Patent Troll Call to Arms

A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS

Guest Patent Troll Call to Arms with Marc Maron, Doug Benson, Kevin & Bean, Jimmy Kimmel, and a live performance from Andy Summers of ‘The Police’

Recorded 03-27-2014 – Release Date 03-28-2014

Production Number #1291

Show Page

Download Link

Adam is not opening the show, instead it’s a live performance by Kelley James “Smash the trolls (Calling Everybody)” and he’s killing, it sounds amazing and the lyrics are fantastic.

Kelley is now getting the audience to join him, I think I hear Barry Zito on stage with him?

Kelley is now giving Adam a brilliant intro to the stage, Adam is thanking Kelley and setting up all of the celebrity guest stars making appearances throughout the show.


Adam is announcing that Jimmy Kimmel has to Skype in and has now un-jinxed it his jinx regarding Skype, why not just use GoToMeeting, the one brand of internet telephony that doesn’t hate Adam.

Adam is now asking about a horrible or good thought, an over eager audience member with perhaps too much Mangria weighs in, Adam is now getting to the “Where is your dignity, why are you not a prostitute” observation about a semi good looking woman who was panhandling.

Adam has a great one liner about sucking cock for twice the cash, Adam says he’s not sure if that makes him good or bad and now Adam is thanking the two guys that got him started in radio, Kevin and Bean!


Adam is making a point about Bean flying in all the way from Seattle to be there, wow!

Adam is asking where they scurried off to as he waits for them to take the stage, Adam is now joking asking if there is a tall guy with another guy next to him both wearing shants.

Adam is responding to an audience member asking about the homeless people in Seattle, Kevin and Bean are now on stage and he’s asking them how and when they became aware that Adam was Mr. Birchum as well as Jimmy’s boxing trainer.


Kevin and Bean are now asking how many people remember Adam’s debut in 1994, he’s explaining how his 30th birthday was his deadline for not being a loser.

They’re now discussing the problem that initiated the boxing match, they’re talking about the “Michael the Maintenance Man” and Booby McFerrin incident that inspired the match.

Adam is now joking about that bout flying the face of Bobby’s song, Kevin and Bean are now sharing their observations on Adam as a 3rd party via Kimmel was an instant fan.


Adam is joking about being a boxing trainer and the judges for the fight, Adam sent him out to the 2nd round without his mouthpiece, Kevin and Bean is talking about pumped Michael was.

Adam is joking about black people’s legacy in boxing with some great sarcasm, Adam says the judged were Adam Sandler, John Wayne Bobbitt and Pat O’Brien.

Adam says he if knew of Adam Sandler’s cinema legacy he would have killed him like one contemplates doing to a young Hitler if given a time machine.


They’re now asking Adam about his boxing background, seemingly unsure.

Adam is further going off on Skype, Jimmy Kimmel is now on the screen and sporting a monocle, Adam got a free one as well after he brought it up on Jimmy’s #1 Late Night TV Show on ABC.

Adam is now asking Jimmy to put the monocle in and to look outraged, great for a live show, not so much for a podcast.


Jimmy is telling them about the physical for the boxing match in 1994, he’s reminding them of flashing them and the nurse while completely nude and instructed to change into a gown.

Adam is now telling them about a poker game, he’s describing the time Jimmy got nude and dove through a living room window.

Jimmy is now confirming that Dr. Drew had examined his penis and fingered his asshole, he’s affirming that and has a hilarious joke about the weird stuff he was into.


Jimmy has a killer “bigger than you guys” metaphor joke about his screen position size and relative success in comparison to his former radio coworkers.

Adam is now sharing the anecdote from the security guard outside of his dad’s hospital the “Just chillin?” story and now Kevin and Bean are asking about Adam’s work on the writing staff for JKL.

Jimmy is now describing Adam’s writing process and how in 45min he would generate more material than all of the writers combined, holy shit!


Adam is now explaining how he would have to make emergency guest visits to the show after leaving work and “writing” for the day, Adam is describing Jimmy Kimmel playing scrabble on his laptop while the writers would pitch jokes.

Adam is now citing his policy on paying at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and how he would forbid anyone from stamping their card on his dime.

Adam is now telling the story of Teresa Strasser, her at the time boyfriend Daniel and his leftover pork chop, he’s riffing about his policy about taking your leftovers home with him, and he’s also got a funny moment realizing he brought Jimmy on just to make him watch Adam tell old stories.


Jimmy says that Adam is the only one who actually eats his leftovers, Jimmy says he’s never not cleared a plate and now Adam is getting to the process where the waiter breaks down what you want boxed up, Adam wants to know what part of “box it all up” do they fucking not understand.

Kevin or Bean is calling Adam a high-tech beggar and Jimmy says this is like if Jerry Lewis held a telethon for himself, he’s joking about the idea of patent trolls being fiction.

Adam is now offering up some advice for his theater, green rooms and dressing rooms, he’s citing the back alley that leads to the entrance and how it’s almost always accosted by TMZ.


Adam is telling him to adorn the walls of the dressing room with some B/C celebrities and now Jimmy is telling Adam that Tom Arnold has asked that same thing about Adam’s picture.

Jimmy has a point about disappointed audience members and now Adam is riffing about Johnny Depp and his kiss with Jimmy, Adam argues that every kiss of his French.

Adam is saying goodbye to Jimmy, he tells him that his monocle is in the mail.


Adam is joking that not only will the patent troll get to host the podcast if he wins, he’ll also get to fuck Adam’s wife, comedy gold!

Adam is now welcoming Dr. Drew to the stage, Adam is sharing his “exactly like he is in real life” highest compliment he only gives to Drew.

Drew is telling Adam about his 31st year on Loveline coming up and the history they all have with KROQ and the morning show, Adam is clarifying who he was aiming to train on air.


Drew is now describing the very moment when he thought of Adam Carolla and how he could probably co-host loveline, forever changing the history of all of our lives.

Adam and Drew are referencing his often forgotten Weekend home improvement show, done in character as Mr. Birchum.

Adam is bringing up his request to have Drew carpool with him to and from the airport for Loveline live show trips, he’s quoting Drew telling him about having to pick him up at 5am to make the rounds, offering Adam to nap in his car, hilarious!


Adam is now joking about visiting his dad in the hospital, he’s joking about scrotum growth, all men will die by scrotum growth in the future, it will be all sack and lobe related deaths, as both never stop growing.

Adam is using Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter to make a cock and ball size analogy, Adam is now telling the classic Jenny Jones story.

Adam is joking with Drew about their nightly rituals pre-slumber and the origins of Mangria.


Adam and Drew are now sharing the rarer parts of the story, trying to sleep while a packed Jerry Springer audience was using the studio.

Drew references the trip to Florida and the listeners who stood Adam up for a ride to the airport story, Adam and Drew are commenting on their non-existent self-esteem and discussing the trophies they won over the years, the Lucite butt plugs of the 1990 award shows.

Adam is bringing up the horrendous publicity shot that Adam hated, he demanded they replace it and now they’re riffing on how Drew looked in the “Spina Bifida” photo, Adam says he turned into a “fuck you sprinkler” and told everyone to fuck off, then he drove off.


Drew is bringing up the security guard at Loveline and the piles of shit who would show up outside the studio on his car, he’s got an Armenian reference and then names the guys waiting for him after the Israeli boys he used to babysit.

Drew is battling with Gary over questions and now Drew is making him take a bow, Adam has a hilarious riff mocking Gary and celebrating him.


Q and Ace

Drew is responding to a question asking if he ever thought Adam would be this successful, he’s saying he always he knew he would be ok and still hasn’t peeked.

Adam and Drew are both saying how they just move forward, Adam is explaining his motivation for DWTS and writing a book, hilarious joke about someone asking roofers what got them to repair a roof.

Adam says everyone is a whore to some things up.


Adam is now riffing about DTR parties in response to an audience member, Drew says the highlight of his podcast was having Ray and Chris tell the “shithead” story.

Adam is now giving his very simple version of the story, he’s telling all of the details.

Drew is citing “Brewing” their other hobby and technique, the most rarely told of all the stories.


Adam and Drew are finishing the story and Adam explains how he thought he had to kill Ray, he’s complaining about chasing someone who is the exact same speed as you, it’s wildly ungratifying when you’re not faster nor slower.

Adam is riffing about seeing someone in hell, he’s mocking it as tame threat, hilarious Detroit and Inglewood one liners.

Adam is now setting up a performance by Andy Summers and Rob Giles, he’s giving them a plug and now they’re playing live.

They sound amazing and are now heading into the 2nd song after some light banter.


Adam is now returning to the stage after some closing banter, Marc Maron and Doug Benson are now joining Adam Carolla on stage and in his fight against the Patent Trolls who threaten the very medium they also attribute to their successful careers.

They’re all now sitting down and joking about it, they’re riffing about the audience members who linger in the back in partially full theaters, Adam has a hilarious “I’ve heard the ones I’ve done” reply to Marc about his podcast.

Adam is now asking both guys what podcasting has done for them, Adam is asking Doug what Marc’s podcast means to him, Doug is saying he doesn’t have to listen to Marc’ show and they’re having a nice back and forth.


Doug has a nice summation about his feelings regarding the trolls, it almost echoes his tone and feelings about pot laws and marijuana consumers.

Marc is saying that this topic makes him angry on a guttural level only akin to going through a divorce, he’s asking how these people’s children respect such despicable parents.

Adam says an Audi S4 cushions the blow of parents who got rich by crushing the dreams of others.


Adam is now riffing about intercom system and how present they were in the homes he grew up in, he’s now bringing up the whole home vacuum system, and Marc is remembering it and says he had one.

Doug is now point out Adam’s use of “Guatemalan Broad” to describe his former housekeeper, Adam is pointing out his hypocrisy and jokes that she’s now from Zurich.

Adam is bringing up Marc doing the podcast in his home and how Andy Dick made Adam move out of his home recording, Marc is now telling them about Andy being the only guy to ask him to remove something from the podcast, well the only guest.


Marc is now mocking Marc’s cat hair covered wardrobe and Adam is bringing up Molly, Adam is now joking about in 2014 the best removal for dust and hair is a lint roller, Adam is joking about “Stick wheels” never making it into Blade Runner.

Adam has a great sci-fi solution and is riffing about deciding when to remove the sticky sheet on the lint roller, Marc is joking about Adam’s comment about Cumming in his sci-fi solution.

Adam says the hair has now gone airborne from Marc and become weaponized, he’s citing the time Ed Helms had an allergy attack while taping in the garage with Marc.


Adam is saying that the cool by product of the podcast is complaining about the lack of something and getting fans who send stuff in, Doug is telling them about his free weed across the globe.

Doug has a funny joke about fans telling Adam about cars, Adam is explaining that he likes cars, but only some cars.

Adam is using the classic Bob Ringwald “Dixieland and Gallagher” story, Adam is telling them the story and Marc is offering up commentary with Doug, they’re making a great comedy duo.


Adam is now commenting on how every “I’m blind” story is disappointing, he’s got a hilarious don’t fuck with ninja’s one liner and Marc is right in step riffing with him.

Doug is enjoying Adam and Marc riff about a blind man enjoying the comedy of Gallagher, Marc is now asking Adam what kind of car he should get.

He’s telling Adam about his 2006 Camry that runs fine, Adam is joking about Marc’s car having his own show’s bumper sticker on it, and Adam is trying to figure out if he’s wildly secure or a supreme narcissist, Marc is now defending it.


Doug has a funny mix-up and is joking about the “Broncers” in response to Adam’s Peyton Manning analogy, Adam is bringing up the mysterious WTF bumper sticker up in his bathroom, Adam is speculating on the employee who chose to put it up.

Adam is saying he’s a hero for being fine with it, Marc is now asking if they have an awkward peeing relationship.

Marc is asking what car to buy, Adam recommends the Tesla S and is doing a sales pitch for it, Adam jokes that it pays for itself in 128 years.


Q and Ace Part #2

Someone wants Adam to confirm if “Lakers” is really on his Driver’s License, Adam is once again explaining how that came about, and he’s asking Marc and Doug about their middle names.

Doug is combatting the idea of revealing his, Marc does right away and now they’re observing a photo of Adam’s ID, Doug is mocking Adam’s face in the picture.

Doug is now sharing his middle name, Adam wants to know if they’ll give their kids exotic fun superhero type middle names, in place of David or Steven.


Doug is now asking Adam about his kids name, Marc has a hilarious example and is defending the different time his name comes from.


Someone is asking Adam/Mr. Birchum the best way to get rid of scratches in hardwood floors, Adam has a killer reply about kidnapping women and holding them hostage.

In Defense of the kidnapped hookers.


Another dude wants to know if Marc enjoys his podcast or TV show more, Doug is summing things up with an F, Marry, Kill?

Doug is now quizzing Marc about how many women he’s made out with on his show, Doug is making a point about him not making out with women on the podcast, Marc says he made out with someone right after.

I think he’s citing Margaret Cho, who also has an infamous story with Adam Carolla, Adam is reacting and Doug says “somebody had to.”

Marc is saying that he tried so hard to fuck her back in the day, after a comics come home taping in SFO, he’s going into detail and how it ended with a spiteful kiss to get him to leave.


Marc is making a point about how he thought he had this one coming, Marc says it was good and is hinting at the good kind of embarrassment he experienced after she shared details of his dick on his live podcast.

Adam is asking about Margaret’s tattoo status and Doug had a funny comment that leads to Marc joking about his WTF bumper stickers.

Adam is now wrapping things up and closing out the special patent troll benefit show.