03 Mar Giovanni’s Superfan Sidebar 02/24/2016 – “Those Who Can’t” Stars and David Wild
A real time blog where Superfan Giovanni does recap and commentary on the show as it happens and opines on all things ACS
Guest – Adam Cayton-Holland, Andrew Orvedahl, and Ben Roy
Recorded 02-22-2016 – Release Date 02-23-2016
Production Number #1765
Adam opens the show to a “Global Superstar” intro and BB has a “I Knew It I’m surrounded by assholes” #TopDrop and implies something off air led to this choice.
Adam welcomes David to the show, who comes bearing the gift of a free hat from a gent who works for the independent spirit awards who loved ‘The Hammer’.
Adam mocks his free gift and jokes about David telling the guy to avoid bringing up his name with his coworkers if he doesn’t want to be shunned, David is making his 99th appearance on the show!
David crashes and burns with a joke and BB calls him out on it, Adam says he’s going out to dinner with Rainn Wilson and mentions that Natalia has now decided to learn to ride the unicycle.
David references the late Philip the Juggler, now Adam is talking about being able to ride a unicycle of a ledge like a loading dock or picnic table but the one thing he cannot do is stand in place on a unicycle like Phil used to do.
Adam crack that his parents will make a lateral move when they die and compares that to Phil who really lived life, Adam is recalling his final visit with Phil and how extreme the disparities in his condition were for both encounters.
Gina has a solid question asking if Phil really seemed to recognize Adam, Adam says he was together enough to be able to do it and is describing his attempts to show his familiarity.
David asks about Phil working cruises, Adam uses the operative word “blow” while talking about Phil’s gigs working on cruises and contrasts that to his own 9-5 work schedules and how you were never paid for off-time.
Adam is quoting Phil telling him about keeping his set to under 15min and only working a couple of times per week while on the Andy Williams tour.
Adam says Phil told him you become a first class cruise passenger in your down time and David asks why there is no Carolla cruise yet, BB demands David define “Uge” (Huge) and Adam is now telling them about a “Jock Full-O-Nuts” he was gifted that he immediately wished he had the money spent on the gag gift as he could’ve put it to far greater use.
Adam “I shouldn’t have had Ray put it on and eat the nuts with my hands behind my back while my dad was home with the curtains open during the day, while he was making breakfast in the next room”
BB asks Adam about going from a life of poverty to the “Fuck You and Me” Money of gag gifting guys he now runs with.
David has a nice comment about a late friend, he manages to drop a name in the process.
Adam is talking about the documentary chronicling them aking of ‘Off The Wall’ and Adam shares some thoughts about the late Michela Jackson and his brief 50yrs of life.
They’re now watching the commercial that Phil did for Bud Lite.
Adam shares how he wanted to get Phil to train him to juggle so he could use his comedy chops to somehow better Phil’s routine.
Adam is talking about the old footage of Michael Jackson leading a band as a child and Adam is now saying he’s going to rekindle the flame and teach his daughter how to ride a unicycle.
Adam talks about kids these days and how not excited they are for wheeled vehicles and toys, referring to the way kids ignore his Go-Kart and how he would’ve reacted as a kid.
Adam is waxing poetic about the passage of time and how kids aren’t impressed with their reality as they don’t have the reference of 1974 and life before iPhones.
BB asks if this is just common among people raising kids with means, if poor kids still love strangers Go Karts.
Adam is telling them about a documentary of young men in Baltimore stunting on bikes and 4 wheelers, he explains how the guys do wheelies while the guys kick the sides of the cop cars in.
Gary is commenting on the doc and the rules about the cops and the dangers they all face because of this activity.
Adam says this isn’t Little Lord Fauntleroy it’s “Lil Lord La’Fauntleroy”
Adam is riffing with Gina about training Natalia how to ride these and stunt in the streets, David has a Bruce Springsteen comment and jokes about him writing a song about Natalia.
Adam is further talking about ‘The Twelve O’clock Boys’ and their activities.
Adam is commenting on the hypocrisy of the guy who taught the young deceased man to ride being mad at the cop who pursued him.
Adam says you would be told these are the have nots, except they have dirt bikes and quads.
Adam is now listing off human necessities starting with quad bikes and entertainment before food and rent.
Adam is doing a Live Read for Blinds Galore
They “shant” enter as Adam poops while peeping out the blinds at people waiting to clean his house edition
David is telling them about this year’s ‘Independent Spirit Awards’ and mentions the hosts including past guest and Carolla haterade drinker Kumail Nanjiani.
Adam tells David that Gary Sinise is unwelcome at these award shows due to his political beliefs and David further talks about the awards show and the great people he gets to work with.
Q and Ace
1st Caller Scott, he wants Adam to rant as “Candidate Platitude’ and he sets him up with a softball question and lame attempt at a funny elected office.
Adam is now ranting and he crushes this riff, Gina is loving it and Adam explains how they became ‘Gurglemans” BB’s applause is ill timed and not helping, it’s distracting and repetitive.
Adam is back to his late father and his cheek full of nickels coming to this country, still in character as this Gurgleman candidate.
Adam is now quizzing Scott and when he finds out he doesn’t have kids, Adam says he’s gay and further tries to ingratiate himself to Scott, Scotty has to interrupt to get in another one of his “zingers” about registering illegal voters, sigh…
Adam is blowing hard and talking about his fake family legacy of not outsourcing labor at their family’s business, he tells the story of the time he stocked the pocket knives.
Scott can’t even come up with Pepperoni when prompted, stop preparing for calls and be in the moment man.
Adam is now asking Scott about his profession and Adam is doing another lap of blowing hard as Candidate Platitude.
Gina is assisting and Scott missuses ironically in place of coincidentally.
Adam is joking about his parents meeting as zygotes and having a 140yr marriage.
Adam wraps up and says he’s going to make this country Gurgleman Great again, BB is asking him about his pandering speech and Adam has a funny cock dangling one liner.
David shares what he learned from Marco Rubio about positive affirmations regarding the use of when vs. if when it comes his possible presidency.
Adam is doing a Live Read for The Hyundai Tucson
Adam is comparing it to other vehicles, digital gauges vs. analog gauges and how to know if your car is off or in reverse edition.
David asks if Adam is going to endorse any candidate and he says it’s interesting and Ted Cruz’s campaign called asking if they would provide one.
Adam says he’s very interested in Bernie Sanders and mentions Drew’s histrionics about his possible tax policy.
Adam talks about getting votes by promising free shit and he compliments Bernie, Gina has a “that’s true” reply that BB likes.
Adam says he should have a fundraiser where he charges people with super low self-esteem to sniff his head, Gary reads the actual tax realities of Bernie’s plans.
Adam is sharing how he talked to his tax guy about the 1 million in taxes he has to cut for the government come April.
Gina says Adam is the first person she’s ever known to cut a million dollar check to uncle Sam.
Adam is telling people to suck his choad and David references the ATF rejection of the Mangria label and the rules about forbidding you from warning consumers about alcohol content and the effect.
Adam is making a great point about the hypocrisy of the laws regarding alcohol sales.
David asks Adam about the prospects of knowing a guy who might become president who you could contact and ask to change these bad laws.
Adam is telling Gina that he thinks the president can’t do that much, he talks about the battle to close Guantanamo Bay and how nothing really changes.
Adam says he feels like Sanders and Trump have a greater opportunity to make a move outside of the system and David shares his son’s love for Bernie and how it amazes him.
Adam has a funny riff about the hot doctor in movies and has a funny comment for Hillary about people only choosing Bernie because they hate her so much.
They head to break.
They’re back from break.
Adam welcomes Adam Cayton-Holland, Andrew Orvedahl and Ben Roy to the show making their ACS debuts.
Adam asks the guys about the show and their origins with standup in Denver.
Adam says Denver is a nice balance of everything and he talks about driving through the beautiful scenery and Adam asks them about shooting the series at Van Nuys High school, just grubby enough to be the setting of their series.
Adam says his claim to fame other than being famous is playing Van Nuys High and how the game they showed in the movie ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High’ was featuring players he knew.
Adam is riffing about business cards and crossed out former web addresses, Adam is mocking the guy who never had a business card on him.
Adam says he does have a business card that says “Call Mike August” and Adam tells Matt to order him some cards.
Adam is riffing with the guys about the advice from DUI attorneys and has a funny wrestle his gun away and steal his Moto Guzzi.
Adam is talking to the guys about DUI stops and one of them tells him about his mistake of refusing to take a breathalyzer.
Adam is sharing what he’s learned from Mark Geragos about buying yourself the extra 45min to sober up.
The guys are telling them about a buddy who put a shirt over his in car breathalyzer to fool it, Adam jokes with Gina about her already having pennies in her mouth.
Adam is sharing his confusion about local bars and wasting money to get drunk near your home.
Adam is now joking about the baseball diamond on the back of dartboards and how he would save the companies millions by not adding the dual side to the back of the board.
Adam is riffing about darts and they call them “hand spears” and the notion of throwing objects around booze.
The guys are telling them about a giant Jenga game and now Adam is riffing about playing real baseball over this shitty game as they all look at dark side of the dart board.
Adam is sharing how his son got a solid pitching machine and had him practice some William Tell with it, Adam put a half full water bottle on his head and his son perfectly nailed it off.
Natalia wanted to get in on it and Adam called it quits, she would hurt him.
Adam is talking about eye patches and the super cool black one over the sad beige one, you will never ask the old woman how she got the beige one, hilarious “guy pulled out, said he was aiming for the tits, didn’t have the rifling” reply from Adam.
Adam connects that to your mom’s friend who needs a “procedure” that you never dare ask about as it’s probably fallopian tubing related or some lady part thing.
Adam says his dad would’ve use duct tape over buying the patches.
Gina’s News
1st Story is on Trump’s comments about a protester he wants to punch in the face and Adam talks about the time George Bush slipped the sandal tossed at his head, Adam says as someone who taught boxing he appreciated that swift weave.
Adam talks about how much he loves holding focus pads for people and Gina suggests a comedy boxing clinic and Adam says he’s better at teaching boxing than comedy.
2nd Story is on Spike Lee’s endorsement for Bernie Sanders, Gina sets up his ad for the campaign.
Adam is now riffing about debility charity auctions and how people bid for things they’re not actually interested in buying.
Adam says that a lot of rich people are now saying they’re down with Bernie, knowing he won’t make it to then hide behind their support.
Gina plays the ad from Spike Lee, one of the guys comments on the James Adomian impression of Bernie Sanders.
Adam is now joking about Dr. King and implies that Bernie is responsible for his assassination and the lack of progress over the past 50yrs.
Adam is now riffing about Trump being authentic to his cartoon brand he came up with 20+ years ago, “he’s authentic to his inauthentic self” – Adam
Adam has a killer line about not knowing what he thinks in the shower and then jokes about waiting outside of the shower for him to warm his robe, funny!
Adam says that Ivanka Trump is one of the most impressive and poised human beings you’ll ever meet, Adam is now comparing her to Tom Cruise and his double handshake as if he’s pulling you back on to the boat after you fell off a tuna ship, hilarious!
Gina comments on a documentary about rich kids from about 20yrs ago, Adam is recalling it and Gary says it was ‘Born Rich’ and Adam jokes about his dad trying to toss him over the fence of the Trump’s so he could be in the documentary.
Adam is doing a True Car Live Read
3rd Story is on the Apple vs. FBI controversy regarding the iPhone and the various arguments and things that have happened since their spree of terrorism and violence.
Adam jokes about that just being a workplace shooting and now Gary is on mic and plugs the upcoming Reasonable Doubt that covers this very topic.
Adam shares his argument about the government assigns us all numbers so they can collect money from us until we die.
Adam says the government already gave you a number, he brings up Mark Geragos comments about the sanctity of the home and he talks about home inspectors and how they violate your rights in your home.
Adam says “upright citizen” and talks about the government being all up in your shit for everything and one of the guys confesses he got a ticket for drinking on a beach.
Adam says that when god invented beer he pictured you drinking it on the beach.
Adam is now riffing about him fleeing to Mexico and one of the guys is commenting on how he appreciates the quaint nature of this, Adam says this is tard on tard crime and explains how the FBI being unable to do this proves how ineffective they are and Apple playing into people’s narcissism regarding privacy concerns after having done this for the FBI several times in the past.
Adam says the woman in the classic Apple advertisement borrowing from the ‘1984’ aesthetic with the sledgehammer could crack into this phone.
Adam jokes about the real ending to that advertisement where they dug a mass grave and executed all of the people and buried them.
Adam wants the actresses name and she’s fairly young still, Gary has all of the details and Adam tells him to get Mike August to book her when they’re in the UK.
Adam jokes about her disciplining her kids with the sledgehammer when she breaks out the “Tasmanian Devil” move.
Adam is telling the guys about keyless chuck at Gina’s prompting and she wraps the news.
Adam is doing a Live Read for The Mangria Bar Crawl sponsored by 720Score.com
Depending on how fucked up your credit score is edition
Adam wants to know if a miniature sledgehammer is called a single jerk or not, Gary is looking it up.
Adam gives out the live dates and wraps up the show.
Gary says it’s Single Jack, not jerk.
Adam plugs the guys show ‘Those Who Can’t’ and BB plays a funny “Suck my Choad” drop from Adam to close out the show.